Question: “Am I VERBALLY ABUSIVE To My Wife” – 5 Tips
There are 5 tips I want to share with you to determine the answer to that question,
But before I get into that, there is a quick story that I wanna tell you.
I came across a video on YouTube by a gentleman called Kevin Samuels and apparently,
…he basically advised young ladies, single ladies, people about relationships and stuff like that and that’s cool.
I think we still need more people, helping people like that.
We see much more of negative videos with regards to relationships that people find more entertaining that actually ends up hurting their relationships.
I’m talking about reality TV shows and things like that.
So any time I see somebody helping people with learning how relationships work, that’s fine.
But I encountered the viral video from him where he was literally going in and bashing this lady heavily.
He was very rude.
A lot of time people engage in the blunt language, they talk about or they speak blunt.
As a matter of fact, I was on a social media platform in the past few days, called Clubhouse,
…and I heard quite a few people who were thinking that the way to have a healthy relationship is communication.
I’m not disputing that it’s communication, but what most people consider communication is just talking and being blunt,
or “setting the expectation” or “setting the intentions”.
These are things that kill attraction if you have overdosed of those things.
So with that being said, Am I verbally abusive to my wife?
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There’s a good chance that you are feeling like you’ve been communicating,
…and in fact, you’ve been killing the vibe, killing the relationship with your wife by being the “communicator”, basically the talkative of the relationship.
Believe me when I tell you this, I am the one that’s considered.
I don’t think so, but I’m the one that’s considered, at least by my wife to be the one that talks the most in our relationship, in my marriage.
What I find is that it really doesn’t matter if I feel like I’m not the talkative.
If it doesn’t matter if I feel like I am not the talker, what matters is…
Tip #1- It’s her opinion.
If she feels like you’re verbally abusive, that’s as valid as it gets.
The feelings have to be validated.
You have to validate those feelings by paying attention to it and see how you can adjust things,
Because the feelings are powerful enough to determine the direction of your relationship with your wife.
so Tip#1 – It’s her opinion.
You have to listen to it even if you disagree with it, you have to pay attention to it and see what she’s trying to say.
See what kind of action you have been taking that makes her feel like you’re talking too much or verbally abusive.
If you do that, it doesn’t mean you are agreeing that you are verbally abusive,
…it just means you’re paying attention to whatever she is interpreting as verbal abuse and then you can fix that.
You can adjust a pivot, if you will accordingly because at the end of the day you care about the relationship.
That’s why you are asking, Am I verbally abusive to my wife?
She must have been saying it.
Tip #2 – You need a full tank of patience.
I was talking about Kevin Samuels earlier, towards the end of that viral video, he actually lost his cool and hung up on the lady.
And I know this is not his wife, but in my opinion, if you are going to win in your relationship with your wife, you have to treat ladies in general with a certain level of respect and patience.
Much more importantly, the patience.
You can’t lose your cool, if you lose your cool,
…you can at least say “if you don’t mind, let me take care of some business and we’ll come back to this conversation later“.
You have to be polite with the way you dismiss the situation, even if you have to dismiss the situation.
Sometimes it’s true that you have to dismiss the conversation because it’s just not getting anywhere.
But you wanna be polite, you don’t wanna be dismissive about it.
Particularly you don’t want them to feel like you dismiss them.
This is something I’m personally still working on.
Sometimes I just don’t want the toxic argument and I come off as dismissive.
It’s an art, it’s not an exact science.
Something you have to learn with respect to the particular person you’re dealing with and their personality.
Tip #2 – You wanna make sure you engage these conversations with a full tank of patience.
You can’t lose your cool.
Tip #3 – Engage active listening.
If she says you’re verbally abusive,
Well, the first quick step to really, really leaving that in the but is, stop talking.
Stop talking so much even if it’s, you are correcting.
There’s a lot of people that just have good intentions, they just want to correct something.
And it comes off as verbally abusive and controlling.
Remember tip #1, if it comes off as abusive, controlling and manipulative,
then it is what it is because it’s a relationship, and just 50% is all you need to make that a full blown opinion that would control the dynamics and the direction of your relationship.
So instead of talking so much, don’t just shut up because that would be dismissive,
Engage active listening.
And I would say, repeat what she’s saying back to her and ask her to tell you more.
Tip #4 – Abuse is very likely unintentional.
There’s a lot of abuse going on in relationships and marriages, and they’re just unintentional, like nobody comes into a marriage to want to be abusive.
But sometimes when we lose our cool or the way we conduct ourselves in the middle of a crisis,
…we’ll come off as abusive to the other person but keep in mind, there’s a crisis going on.
What you will find in a lot of relationships and marriages out here is that people are basically engaging.
How do I say this?
People are engaging their wife and then they end up with a crisis,
When you call it a crisis and everybody has lost their cool or there’s an active argument and fighting.
Bickering going on, then clearly nothing is intentional.
Everything is reactive and that’s not what you wanna do.
Tip #5 – Reverse engineer corrections into her idea.
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Like I said earlier, a lot of times the intention is to correct something that you feel like maybe wrong.
But your intentions are overrated.
Your intentions, in fact your action is being received as verbally abusive.
And if it’s been received by 50% of the relationship as verbally abusive,
…it is, in fact, unfortunately I have to tell you, that’s verbal abuse.
At least for now because remember it’s the feeling that counts if they feel like it is verbally abusive, it is verbally abusive.
So instead of trying to correct, instead of engaging in,
I just gotta be blunt and correct you as it comes.
Instead of doing that,why don’t you….
This is a marriage, this is a relationship.
You need to find ways to reverse engineer your corrections into her idea.
So how do you do that?
This is a very big topic.
You need to learn how to ask quality questions.
There are questions that you will ask and you think they’re quality.
I’m guilty of this,and they’re actually coming off as manipulative and they’re coming off as condescending.
You want to avoid those types of questions you want to really master the skills of asking quality questions.
So things like “So you’re saying”,
“So are you saying that I come off a little bit abusive?”
“I’m sorry to hear that”.
“I didn’t mean to be abusive”.
“Can you tell me what that looks like when I’m abusive because there’s a good chance I’m not aware that I’m being abusive”.
See, if you talk in that calm manner, if you do that repeatedly, not just one time.
If you start doing it consistently, she will start feeling safer around you.
And then she will also give you a lot more passes even when you’re upset because you’re still a human being.
But right now, the work is gonna be on your part in order to reverse all that verbally abusive negative energy.
You want to reverse that, you have to put in some work and you have to be consistent until she starts feeling safer again,
…but I’m telling you right now, there’s a good chance that you were just being blunt.
That’s why Blunt is a terrible way of communicating in a relationship.
You listening is the best way to communicate.
Less talking is the best way to communicate in the relationship, especially if you’re a man trying to communicate with your wife.