Discover simple steps on how to overcome infidelity in a marriage even if you’ve lost all hope and your spouse seems completely lost to the other side.
Question: “How do I apologize for hurting my wife?”
John Gray is in the hot seat right now and is probably hoping that this whole thing will die down but he is not helping either because he issued an apology and I think we should play the apology first before we get into anything .
Here is John Gray’s apology:
“I wanna take this moment to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the areas of my life that I left unattended. That I was apathetic about. The areas where I have treated the calling of God, the grace of God and a hand of God casually in my life. For every area of behavior that has dishonor the holiness of God, I wanna tell you I’m sorry. There have been a number of things and blogs, some of them accurate, some of it not…”
His apology maybe is the right thing to do because he is a pastor in the church.
But talking to his wife, it just feels like it will cause more embarrassment.
For me, I don’t like the loud noise.
That’s bringing so much attention to us so in the moment we should shut it down.
If you feel like the right thing for you to do is to apologize, then you are right…
Now is that going to create the result you want, that is the story that we really should be talking about.
See, if you are worried about whether it is the right thing to do or not, you are always right.
Whatever you feel is right is right.
Is that gonna create the result that you’re looking to achieve, that’s where the work is and that’s where a lot of people miss it.
With that being said, the only time it will be right for you to tender an apology to either a wife or husband or anybody is when that person is asking for it.
Why?
Because you listen, that person is asking for it.
So if the person is asking for it and you truly feel that you should apologize, and there is nothing wrong with apologizing but if you are tendering an apology as a form of reaction to being called out.
You just got called out… you did something wrong and you just want to fix it immediately for the misery to go away.
The first thing that goes to your mind is to say I’m sorry.
That I’m sorry is gonna do more hurt.
It can be considered manipulation because you are manipulating.
That apology will hurt more than it will help you create the result you are looking for.
So, How Do I APOLOGIZE for HURTING my wife?
Well, first of all the best apology is Changed Behavior.
That’s gonna take time so there’s time and patience involved.
That means they may not be willing to hear you out right now, the best thing you want to do is stay away from giving them your mouth in every way that you can think of.
You stay away from that.
Let things calm down.
Let things simmer before you give apologies.
That’s why the apology that John Gray gave is premature.
It cannot possibly be authentic because it’s a reaction form of apology…
but how do I apologize for hurting my wife?
Listen…
Changed Behavior.
Take your time.
If she asks for an apology, then you can tender that in the form of words but the best apology is not words.
Your apology in the form of words is a lot more useful when the person is asking for it.
Before we dive into more details about infidelity…
Let’s answer the question as it will help with fundamentals.
In order to survive a crisis in any type of relationships
(especially a marriage), you can’t afford to undermine the power of an overall positive attitude.
Therefore if you are dealing with a negative and/or shutdown spouse, it will take a tremendous emotional energy to maintain your cool.
As I said earlier, respect is earned.
Just as trust and submission, all these actions are driven in a marriage as effects and not a cause.
Sure you can deliberately initiate them.
But it will eventually drain you emotionally if you are not aware of the underlying attraction level that initially brought you and you spouse together.
That is to say, if you are not presently attracted to your husband, it won’t last much long if you force yourself to respect him.
So in the long run, you need to address the cause of the low attraction level.
You have to also respect and love yourself enough to attract the type of love you deserve from your spouse.
It is natural for couples to go through this over time as complacency kicks in.
So I am saying that it is natural to take each other for granted over-time.
Is your marriage a mistake?
There is no relationship that is a mistake and here is why.
Every relationship you engage in your life must be regarded as an opportunity to grow.
It’s part of the interpretations you must add to your efforts of positive attitude.
Because that energy will drive a lot more other actions that will drive your spouse to do right by you.
Subsequently, it will propagate energy that will attract the types of relationship and may be another marriage that will serve you.
Can we agree that the marriage you have right now is bad especially if infidelity is involved?
Therefore it’s time to build a brand-new marriage with or without the same and present spouse.
That attitude gives you your best chance of attracting your present spouse to do right by you if that’s in fact what you want.
Effectively, if you lead with the attitude that it “MUST” be the same spouse,
Your desperate energy will push him or her away further.
Sure we all need prayer.
The scripture says….
“Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.”
James 2:17 New King James Version (NKJV)
The Real Meaning of Infidelity
The truth of the matter is that infidelity is involved whenever a promise is broken in your marriage.
It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature.
Therefore, any type of promise that was made in your vows no matter how little is seems will result in infidelity.
What is the difference between infidelity and adultery?
Adultery is more specific of a way to describe sexual related betrayal in a marriage.
But it’s an effect.
In order to fix adultery as one of the many types of infidelity, we have to go deeper into causes; Root Cause Analysis.
Of course it’s easier to point the most fingers at the person who engaged sexually with another outside of the marriage.
Most of the infidelity that happens in marriages has nothing to do with sexual behaviors.
However all of the different types of infidelities create resentments and complacency over-time.
For example, if you promised to be there for richer or poorer…
But then catch attitude last week because he was broke financially, that’s a form of infidelity.
In addition, catching negative attitude in the midst of any crisis does not solve it; it expands the emotional effect of it.
So, you’d agree that marriage has probably been infected with infidelity and needs work right?
I am by no means telling you that cheating or having an affair outside of the marriage is any easier to deal with.
All I am saying is that those types tend to be the most obvious to judge people with.
It’s very important that you use that to adjust your perspective in order to attract the love and marriage that you deserve.
Judgment, guilt, and blame will harm you, your relationships and especially any children involved.
Therefore you have to rise above the obvious emotions such anger, resentments, rage that you will naturally feel…
If you are on the receiving end of an infidelity.
That’s going to take work, but it’s doable and it’s your best shot at attracting happiness again.
So should you Stay in the Marriage After Infidelity?
It depends on your particular relationship.
If it’s taking you more than 3 months to at least forgive, you probably should consider separation first.
Because it’s not helpful for any of the parties for the other to live in mystery.
Time apart may just be what you need to appreciate life, the marriage or both again.
That same time apart may help a perpetual adulterer make a decision to nurture what they value…
And have clarity of where he or she belongs (with you or someone else).
Having out in that dark spot for longer than 3 month tends to create more and more emotional damage in you, your spouse and even any children that may be involved.
But marriage is usually not easy to just throw away.
If it was easy, you probably would not have that question.
Ask yourself this question however…
Are you running from your problems obviously entangled up in infidelity right now?
As I have said, the problem is deeper than the effects
Of which some of them are cheating, affairs and infidelity.
Minimum of 50% of this (though not your fault) is your problem.
So if your quick solution is to leave the marriage, you will effectively take 50% of the problem with you.
Hence why 76% of marriages to divorces ends in about 2 years according to many studies.
It will help you ensure that you work on yourself before concluding that leaving is the solution.
How to Practically Rebuild Trust Even After Infidelity
When you first met your spouse, it was natural to trust because attractions high.
It’s easy to be in love and trust a person that you truly don’t know.
The reality is that you couldn’t possible love them though.
That trust was fake in essence.
Now that you are dealing with the after effects and emotions from infidelity, the real work is needed.
Anything that’s worthwhile in life will take work.
It was never practical to trust another human at the level that we do in a marriage.
That’s why I always say, people that say ‘I do’ don’t know what they are doing.
It doesn’t even matter how much pre-marital counseling you have before, you simply couldn’t comprehend what you were about to do.
So I get it
Trust can be hard to rebuild once it has been breached by a spouse but it’s do able.
But, I have to tell.
Holding your marriage and specially your happiness hostage because of trust issues will not help you.
Here are some scriptures that warned you about trust and its application to infidelity recovery…
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.
Psalm 118:8 ESV
Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.
Jeremiah 17:5 ESV
You are not even supposed to trust yourself; much less another person.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
Proverbs 28:26 ESV
Listen…
It’s natural for you to feel hurt and wallow in the mystery of it for a while.
But it’s time for you to realize that you deserve happiness and take the bulls by the horn.
How?
Leave all your trust issues in the hands of God and start living.
That’s easier said than done but hearing it or reading it from me might as well be the first step in the right direction.
Is an adulterer always an adulterer?
You’ve heard the saying, “once a cheater always a cheater.”
That’s absolutely an impossible lie.
It’s a lie that can hold you hostage even long after your spouse has repented due to…
A larger purpose than the seduction and excitement they may have derived from their past transgression.
Here is a quick 2 step-solution to that.
Do the work that will attract him or her to re-commit back into a brand-new marriage with you.
Let go and forgive yourself for attracting the old marriage.
Enjoy your new marriage one day at a time.
As you can see, none of the step has anything to do with putting the focus on fixing your spouse.
The work must be done from the inside to attract what you want on the outside.
What is the main reason for infidelity?
Of course in the long term, loyalty will benefit and create joy as opposed to short-term excitement.
But People cheat mainly for a lack of a larger purpose than the pleasure and excitement of secrecy.
It’s a choice but it’s also a choice that most humans are never too holy to make.
Most people just need the right circumstances to align to find themselves choosing pleasure over loyalty in the short term.
10+ Causes of Infidelity
Circumstances can include but not limited to:
Not receiving enough attention from the significant other,
Inappropriate engagement with friendly acquaintances,
Low self esteem
Immaturity
Background and childhood trauma
Belief system
Low attraction
Unmatched libido level
Retaliation for past transgression
(10) 12…Principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Ephesians 6:12, King James Version
But it’s never your fault when your significant other makes a choice to have an affair.
However you may have helped create one of the circumstances that align the opportunity for short-term human excitement.
They could have also chosen to rise above.
But judgment, blame, and guilt or self-guilt won’t help.
It’s time to understand “WHY” at a deeper level and attract an infidelity free brand new marriage.
The best chances of a lifetime joy is with a repented spouse because you are now both equipped with knowledge
Which becomes power when you both apply to a daily loving marriage for the rest of your lives.
Treat it on a daily basis…
Because obsession with the past and tomorrow will drown your relationships and especially your marriage.
If friendship with an opposite sex that you are personally friends with, an ex or a blast from the past is involved,
Respect yourself by allowing your spouse to go and sort that out before starting your brand-new marriage with them.
No one with healthily give you what you can’t give yourself.
Therefore if you can’t love and respect yourself, your spouse can’t love and respect you.
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What is infidelity?
In a marriage, it is generally referred to as infidelity when one party engages in intimate relationships with a person outside of the marriage.
What is the difference between infidelity and adultery?
Adultery is more specific of a way to describe sexual related betrayal in a marriage.
What is considered infidelity?
The truth of the matter is that infidelity is involved whenever a promise is broken in your marriage.
What is the main reason for infidelity?
People cheat mainly for a lack of a larger purpose than the pleasure and excitement of secrecy.
How common is infidelity?
Here are some statistics that I found…. • 20% of men reported that they cheated sexually • 13% of women reported that they cheated sexually • 16% of ALL ADULTS reported that they cheated sexually But under age 30, the numbers are different. • 10% of men under 30 reported that they cheated sexually • 11% of women under 30 reported that they cheated sexually
QUESTION ⁉️ “I caught my wife twice being unfaithful.
I asked her how come she is like this. She said because I don’t give her attention.
So I said, when I don’t give you the attention you need, I should worry about you flirting with other men behind my back?
Now she feels insulted because I don’t trust her.”
Saving your marriage after infidelity and lies is absolutely possible; not easy but simple. It takes a high level of personal emotional intelligence and strength.
The fact that it is not easy is what makes it extremely rewarding as you will discover in this video.
