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Is Physical Attraction Overrated in Marriage? Here’s the Real Truth

Is physical attraction in marriage overrated—or just misunderstood?

In a world of filters, gym bodies, and picture-perfect couples on Instagram, many couples enter marriage with high expectations about physical chemistry… only to find that attraction isn’t always enough to sustain the relationship.

So what happens when the spark fades? Is that the end—or just the beginning of something deeper?

In this post, we’ll explore the complex role physical attraction plays in marriage through three real-world truths (aka secrets) that every couple should understand.

If you’re struggling with the emotional or physical disconnection in your relationship, this will shift your mindset—and possibly save your marriage.

Secret #1: No, It’s Not Overrated—If Only One Person Is Asking

Let’s start with one of the most common scenarios:

“I just don’t feel attracted to them anymore.”

We hear this far more than we should. But the truth behind it isn’t what most people think. In many cases, physical attraction doesn’t just disappear because someone “let themselves go.” What’s really going on is a breakdown in emotional connection.

When only one spouse starts questioning attraction, it’s often a symptom of emotional disconnection—not just physical disinterest. We once coached a couple where the husband admitted his attraction had faded. Meanwhile, the wife had been trying everything—intimacy, compliments, even new outfits—to no avail.

The problem?
He had emotionally checked out.

And here’s the twist: she was still deeply attracted to him.

This disconnect highlights an uncomfortable truth—when emotional intimacy fades, physical desire usually follows. According to a 2022 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, emotional closeness is a far better predictor of long-term physical attraction than appearance.

The Shift:

Once this couple rebuilt emotional safety, the spark returned. He literally said, “She looks more beautiful than ever.” And yet, nothing changed physically.

This proves that real attraction grows from inside the heart, not just what’s on the surface. Emotional intimacy is the fuel that keeps physical attraction alive—not the other way around.

Secret #2: Yes, It’s Overrated—If That’s All You Have as a Bond

We all know that one couple who looks perfect online.

Flawless wedding photos. Gym-fit bodies. Daily “couple goals” selfies.

But behind the scenes, things often look very different.

One stunning couple we worked with seemed to have it all—looks, chemistry, passion. But six months into the marriage, they couldn’t even hold a conversation without arguing.

They were bonded by passion, not purpose.

They said things like:

“We’re just so attracted to one another.”

And while that sounds romantic, it doesn’t hold water long-term.

Here’s why:

Real marriage starts after the butterflies fade.
When life gets real—bills, kids, disappointments—you need more than vibes to survive.

This couple lacked emotional safety, shared values, and friendship. Their initial attraction had turned into unmet expectations, and eventually, resentment.

The Shift:

They realized that physical compatibility isn’t enough. They needed to build respect, emotional resilience, and intellectual intimacy.

They had to unlearn the myth that passion guarantees longevity and relearn that peace is the real platform for lasting love.

Now, they’re still together—still beautiful—but now they’re building with bricks, not vibes.

Check this out: Does My Wife Miss Me During Separation?

Secret #3: Maybe It’s Overrated—If You’re in an Arranged Marriage

Let’s address a different angle that’s rarely talked about—arranged marriages.

A woman we mentored was married off at 23. There were no butterflies, no late-night convos, no “aha” moment. She didn’t even know if she loved him. Attraction? Practically non-existent.

Fast-forward six years and two children, she said:

“I think I love the man he’s become with me.”

That one sentence speaks volumes.

In her case, attraction came after trust.

Physical attraction was a byproduct of emotional intimacy, not a prerequisite. And while many assumed her marriage was destined to be cold and distant, what she found was the opposite:

Attraction grew.

It grew through shared struggles, parenting, kindness, and everyday effort.

He became her “type” over time—not because of physical changes, but because of the emotional connection they cultivated.

The Shift:

When both partners commit to learning and growing together, attraction can blossom—slowly, organically, and deeply.

This reminds us that physical attraction is not always instant. For some couples, it’s a slow burn—not a spark. And that burn can be far more enduring than fleeting passion.

Let’s Recap the Real Truth About Physical Attraction in Marriage

Physical attraction isn’t bad. It’s not the enemy. But it’s not the savior of your marriage either.

It’s a signal. Not the whole story.

Here’s what we’ve learned after years of coaching couples:

  • If only one person is questioning attraction, it’s likely an emotional issue—not a physical one.
  • If attraction is the only bond, the foundation will eventually crumble.
  • In some marriages, especially arranged ones, attraction grows with shared purpose and effort over time.

So is physical attraction overrated?

Sometimes.
But the better question is—what’s underneath it?

If you’re relying on looks to sustain your love, you’ll be in for a rude awakening when life starts lifing. But if you prioritize building connection, safety, and emotional closeness, attraction can not only return—but deepen in ways you never imagined.

The Takeaway: Physical Attraction Is Just a Piece of the Puzzle

You don’t need to have six-pack abs or glowing skin 24/7 to be attractive to your partner.

What you need is:

  • Emotional safety
  • Mutual respect
  • Consistent effort
  • Shared laughter
  • Deep, honest conversations

When those are present, physical attraction becomes more than skin deep—it becomes a natural extension of your emotional intimacy.

Check this out: How to Keep Attraction in Marriage Without Losing Yourself

Ready to Rekindle Connection and Attraction in Your Marriage?

If your marriage feels distant…

If you’ve lost the spark…

If you’re wondering whether the love is still there…

We’ve been there. We know what it’s like to feel like roommates with rings.

That’s why we wrote Get My Marriage Back—a guide that breaks down the tools, mindset shifts, and strategies we used to rebuild our connection from the ground up.

🎯 Download it for FREE here: www.GetMyMarriageBack.com

It’s 100% free because we believe no marriage should die from assumptions.

Final Thought

Attraction matters. But how you define it—and how you fuel it—matters more.

What does “attraction” mean to you in marriage?

Is it physical, emotional, spiritual—or all of the above?

Let’s talk about it. Drop your thoughts in the comments. Share this with someone who needs it.

And remember…

Peace, not passion, is the real foundation.

You Will Like These Too…

FAQ: How to Maintain Physical Attraction in Marriage

Is it normal to lose physical attraction to your partner?

Yes, it’s common for physical attraction to fade over time, especially when emotional connection weakens.

Why am I no longer physically attracted to my husband?

Loss of attraction is often rooted in emotional disconnection, not physical changes alone.

Can a marriage work without physical attraction?

A marriage can survive temporarily without physical attraction, but long-term success usually requires rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy.

Can a relationship last if there is no physical attraction?

While some relationships can last without strong initial attraction, lasting bonds typically grow when emotional safety and mutual effort are present.

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3 Hidden Marriage Killers 💔 You NEVER Knew Were Blocking Reconciliation

Marriage is rarely broken by one massive moment of betrayal. More often, it’s eroded by smaller, hidden forces—quiet emotional leaks that slowly drain trust, love, and hope.

Click below to watch the video

reconcile marriage after separation

Click above to watch the video

Whether you’re currently navigating a trial separation, attempting to reconcile a marriage after separation, or seeking effective separation reconciliation tips, understanding these hidden marriage killers could be your breakthrough moment.

Let’s uncover the three subtle yet deadly issues that silently sabotage your efforts—and what you can do to heal, rebuild, and reconcile.

Hidden Killer #1: Resentment – The Silent Saboteur

Imagine this scenario: A couple tries to repair their relationship after betrayal. They start spending more time together, maybe even go on a few date nights. But somehow, arguments erupt out of nowhere.

Beneath the surface?

Resentment.

This emotion is sneaky. It hides behind politeness, fake smiles, and phrases like “I’m fine.” But internally, it festers like an untreated wound. And that untreated pain blocks real reconciliation.

Why Resentment Destroys Reconciliation Efforts

  • It creates emotional distance: Even when you’re physically close, the unspoken pain builds a wall.
  • It leads to unpredictable blowups: Trivial things become triggers, causing confusion for both partners.
  • It delays healing: Because the hurt never gets processed, it simmers under the surface.

Letting go doesn’t mean saying, “It’s okay.” It means saying, “I’m hurt, but I choose to heal.”

How to Release Resentment

  • Acknowledge it openly (even to yourself).
  • Don’t wait for the other person to apologize “perfectly.”
  • Seek internal peace, not external control over what happened.

Resentment punishes the person holding it. To reconcile marriage after separation, releasing resentment is step one.

Hidden Killer #2: Lack of Accountability – The Trust Destroyer

One of the most overlooked aspects of reconciliation is personal responsibility.

When both partners expect simultaneous healing or shared blame every step of the way, progress stalls.

Common Phrases That Signal Lack of Accountability

  • “Yeah, but they…”
  • “I already apologized. What more do they want?”
  • “They need to meet me halfway.”

These are signs of deflection—not healing.

Why Accountability is Critical in Rebuilding Trust

  • It rebuilds credibility: Words mean little without the actions to back them up.
  • It creates safety: Your partner needs to feel that you’re aware of the pain caused.
  • It sets a healing tone: Owning your part allows the other person space to reflect on theirs.

In a trial separation reconciliation phase, timing is everything. One partner often has to go first in taking ownership.

How to Practice True Accountability

  • Drop the defensiveness: It may feel like weakness, but it’s powerful.
  • Speak in “I could have…” statements, not “You should have…” accusations.
  • Apologize with empathy, not obligation.

Humility is magnetic. It opens doors that force never could.

Hidden Killer #3: Rebuilding on the Same Broken Foundation

Many couples think reconciliation means “going back to how things were.”

But if the old relationship broke down, why rebuild it?

The Danger of “Rewind” Thinking

  • “Let’s just move on and forget the past.”
  • “We’ve been together too long to start over.”
  • “We’re doing what we used to—why isn’t it working?”

These mindsets ignore the core truth: you need a new foundation, not a polished version of the old one.

Why the Old Blueprint Doesn’t Work

  • It’s built on unresolved pain.
  • It lacks updated boundaries and expectations.
  • It creates a fear-based atmosphere—tiptoeing around landmines.

What a New Foundation Looks Like

  • Open conversations about what each person needs now.
  • New boundaries based on growth and clarity, not punishment.
  • A shared vision for the future, not just regret about the past.

Reconciliation isn’t rewind—it’s reset. That’s what turns trial separation into triumph.

The Path to Lasting Reconciliation

Reconciling a marriage after separation is one of the most emotionally taxing journeys you’ll ever take. But it’s also one of the most rewarding.

To make it successful, you must:

  • Identify and uproot resentment before it poisons the process.
  • Embrace accountability, not blame-shifting or pride.
  • Rebuild something new, not settle for a faulty repeat.

This isn’t about begging. It’s about becoming a safe space again—someone your partner wants to reconnect with.

Key Takeaways: How to Reconcile a Marriage After Separation

Action StepWhy It Matters
Let go of resentmentCreates emotional space for change
Take individual accountabilityRebuilds trust without conditions
Create a new relationship blueprintPrevents cycles of the same arguments
Communicate openly and clearlyAvoids assumptions and misalignment
Be consistent in your growthHelps your partner feel safe to retur

Final Thoughts: Your Love Story Isn’t Over

Even if resentment has taken root.

Even if you’ve both made mistakes.

Even if the foundation feels shattered.

You can reconcile. You can rewrite your love story. And you can do it without losing yourself.

💡 Start by downloading your free copy of Get My Marriage Back—a guide that’s helped thousands of couples rediscover peace, clarity, and real connection.

👉 Click here to download your free book now

Because reconciliation isn’t about fixing the past…

It’s about building something new—together.

You Will Like This Too…

3 Signs My SEPARATED WIFE Wants to RECONCILE

Disrespectful Wife Signs: Here’s What’s Really Going On (And What You Can Do About It)

FAQ: Marriage Reconciliation After Separation

How long after separation do couples reconcile?

Most couples who reconcile do so within 6 months to 2 years, depending on personal growth, emotional healing, and communication.

What percentage of marriages reconcile after separation?

Studies suggest that about 10% to 15% of separated couples eventually reconcile and remain together.

Do married couples get back together after separation?

Yes, many married couples do reunite after separation, especially when they address unresolved issues like resentment, lack of accountability, and poor communication.

Can a marriage be restored after separation?

Absolutely—marriages can be restored after separation when both partners commit to emotional honesty, rebuilding trust, and starting fresh rather than repeating old patterns.

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How to Save Your Marriage When Your Spouse Wants Out – Saving a Marriage in Crisis

You ever been in one of those situations where you walk into a room, and you can immediately tell something’s off?

Click the image below to Watch the Video

Click the image below to Watch the Video

Like… the air is just thick with tension.

You say “Hey, babe,” and all you get back is a grunt. Or worse—absolute silence.

Now, if you’re like me, you probably start running through a mental checklist: “Did I forget the anniversary? Did I leave the toilet seat up? Did I—Oh wait… it’s worse than that.”

And then… BOOM.

Your spouse hits you with the words no one ever wants to hear:

“I don’t think this is working. I think we should separate.”

Listen, if you’ve ever been in this situation or you’re in it right now, I need you to do one thing for me. Breathe. Seriously. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Because this isn’t the end of your marriage—yet. And even if it feels like it, I promise, there’s still a way forward.

I’m Ola, one half of a partnership with my wife, Lola. After 11+ years of friendship and 8+ years of marriage, we almost gave up on each other.

The pain, the distance, the constant fights—it felt like there was no way forward.

But through heartbreak, trial, and relentless effort, we discovered something powerful.

That journey led us to create the Get My Marriage Back system, launch this website in 2018, and co-author the book Get My Marriage Back.

Since then, we’ve helped countless individuals and couples get their marriage back and make it even better.

At press time, we’ve celebrate 17+ years of marriage and 20+ years of friendship.

And today, we’re going to talk about how to save your marriage when your spouse wants out.

And no, before you ask, the answer isn’t to beg, plead, or suddenly become the most romantic version of yourself that ever existed. Trust me, we’ve seen it all, and that’s not how this works.

So, let’s talk about it.

Tip #1 of 5—It’s Not About Whose Fault It Is

I know, I know. The first thing we all want to do when a relationship is falling apart is figure out who’s to blame.

“If she would just listen to me!” “If he would stop ignoring my feelings!” “If they weren’t always on their phone!” Sound familiar?

One of our clients—let’s call him Jason—came to us convinced his wife was the problem. She had become distant, she stopped laughing at his jokes, and worst of all… she stopped complaining about his bad habits. And if you’re married, you know: when they stop complaining, that’s when you should worry.

Jason was stuck in the blame game, and the more he tried to prove his innocence, the worse things got. He’d say, “But I do everything for you!” and she’d respond with, “I never asked you to.” Ouch.

Look, if your spouse wants out, the goal isn’t to prove you’re right. The goal is to understand what’s happening. And that leads me to the next point…

Tip #2 of 5—Accept and Understand It

Here’s the thing—you can’t fix what you refuse to accept. If your spouse says they want out, that’s their reality right now. Telling them they’re wrong or acting like it’s just a phase isn’t going to help.

Think about it like this: If someone is drowning and they’re flailing their arms, you don’t say, “You’re not actually drowning. Just stop panicking.” No! You acknowledge the panic, then you help them in a way that doesn’t make it worse.

When Jason finally accepted that his wife felt disconnected, instead of fighting it, he started to see things differently. He realized she wasn’t just being cold—she was hurting. And when you recognize that your spouse is hurting, you stop trying to “win” the argument and start focusing on the real problem.

By the way, if this is hitting home for you, go ahead and hit that like button. And while you’re at it, subscribe, follow, and turn on notifications because we’ve got more coming that’ll help you get your marriage back on track.

Alright, let’s keep going.

Tip #3 of 5—Be Accountable

(And No, Accountability Is Not the Same as Fault)

Jason had to learn this the hard way. See, he thought being accountable meant admitting everything was his fault. But that’s not what we’re talking about.

Accountability means asking, “What’s my role in this?” without turning it into self-blame or self-pity. It’s about seeing where you can improve—not so you can take all the blame, but so you can take control of what you can change.

Jason realized he had stopped being emotionally present years ago. His wife didn’t wake up one day and say, “I’m done.” It was a slow fade. And when he finally took accountability for his own emotional unavailability, that’s when things started to shift.

Tip #4 of 5—Let Go

I know. This one is tough. But listen—the more you try to control the outcome, the worse things get.

Jason spent months trying to convince his wife to stay. He wrote long text messages. He over-explained every little thing. He even made one of those dramatic “I can’t live without you” speeches in the rain. Okay, maybe not in the rain, but you get the idea.

And guess what? None of it worked.

But the moment he stopped trying to force her to stay… the moment he stopped clinging to control… she noticed.

Because here’s the truth: Desperation pushes people away. Confidence and self-assurance bring them closer.

Which leads us to the last and most important tip…

Tip #5—Engage in Self-Development

If you take nothing else from this video, take this: The best way to save your marriage is to become the best version of yourself—not for your spouse, but for you.

Jason stopped focusing on “fixing” his wife and started working on himself. He rediscovered hobbies. He started learning about emotional intelligence. He even started listening instead of just waiting for his turn to talk.

And you know what happened?

His wife started noticing.

Because when you work on yourself, the energy shifts. Your confidence grows. You stop being the person who’s begging for love and start being the person who naturally attracts it.

And here’s the crazy part—Jason’s wife eventually started engaging in conversations again. Not because he convinced her to, but because she felt the difference.

So if your spouse wants out, the best thing you can do isn’t to chase them—it’s to work on you.

And if you need help with that, consider working with us for personal coaching.

Just go to Click Here or Go to ww.GetMyMarriageBack.com

Alright, now before we go, don’t forget to hit like, subscribe, and turn on notifications so you don’t miss the next video.

And here’s a question for you: Do you think love alone is enough to save a marriage, or is something else more important? Drop your thoughts in the comments, and let’s talk about it.

Here is part 2 of the “Saving a Marriage in Crisis” series; 7 Signs Your Marriage Can Still Be Saved.

FAQ: Saving Your Marriage

What is the No. 1 rule for saving your marriage?

The most important step is to focus on your own self-development rather than trying to control your spouse or the outcome.

How can I save my broken marriage?

You can begin to save your marriage by accepting your spouse’s feelings and understanding their perspective.

What are the hard years of marriage?

The “hard years” of marriage often occur in the first few years as couples adjust and between years 5 and 8 when deeper issues may surface.

At what year do most marriages fail?

While statistics vary, research suggests that most marriages tend to fail either in the first few years (1-2) as couples adjust, or between years 5 and 8.

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Trying To Save Marriage Wife Said It’s Too Late? ❤️ Try this 3 “UNUSUAL” Tricks

In this lesson, you will discover the 3 SECRET tricks that I used when I was trying to save my marriage when my wife said it was too late.

By the way, you can master the full methods by downloading our free book at www.GetMyMarriageBack.com or get it on Amazon

QUESTION ⁉️ “It all sounds great but this evil will not help me with my wife; when she says she’s done, it means she’s done.”

The first sign we notice in this message is the fact that a husband is throwing hands up in the air claiming there is no way for his wife to behave.

When you approach saving your marriage with that energy, you will attract more of it.

What if you accept that you are confused and it’s just time to learn something new about making your wife open for you to penetrate mentally and physically?”

ENJOY THE VIDEO.

Trying To Save Marriage Wife Said It’s Too Late

IMG - trying to save marriage, wife said it's too late

TRICK #1 – Stop Confusing Words with Action

If you are like most people, you’ve caught feeling and you are feeling rejected because your wife says she’s done.

Never mind what she says; what about her actions?

Is she still living in the same house with you?  

If she is still connected to you in one way or the other, even if it’s because of the kids, I would stop panicking.

It’s common mistake in relationships especially marriage to confuse her words with her actions.

Relax and follow her actions.

Regardless of what the action may be, relax; you are the king.

TRICK #2 – Admit that the Marriage May Be Too Late to Save

Once you relax, she will become curious again and want to initiate engagement.

Use that opportunity to show case you new relaxed man who is sure of himself and require no validation from anyone in order to be happy.

This is more of a demeanor and energy than what you say out.

It’s also okay at this stage to admit that the marriage is bad

… and that’s not equivalent to admitting that it’s all your fault.

It will only showcase you as a king who knows how to listen and communicate effectively with his queen.

This new behavior will shock your wife and will start to consider changing her mind…

If she was ever serious about saving your marriage being too late.

TRICK #3 – Give Her What She Wants; Gift of Missing You

This process will take time but you can leverage this opportunity to give yourself a gift.

When she insinuated that it’s too late to save the marriage, she’s was saying she needed space.

There is no one single event that can shut a marriage off.

Give her what she wants; the gift of missing you–space.  

You need space too as it’s an opportunity to showcase your ability of infinite patience.

BONUS TRICK – Learn the Art of Attraction – Read the Book 10-15 times

In that time period, it can be extremely difficult to just sit tight and not express yourself.

You may even feel unheard; but that’s needy behavior.

Download the book for free and read it 10-15 times so that you can teach the material unprepared.

It makes patience easier.

That time ans space will increase attraction between the two of you and…

You will equipped with material and ingredients to catalyze further growth of the attraction that you now have.

We all know that relationships have their ups and downs, and sometimes, those downs can feel pretty darn low.

So, you might be wondering…

When exactly is it too late to save a marriage? And is all that effort really worth it to mend a broken marriage?

First things first, let’s address the timing.

The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this.

Every relationship is unique, just like the people in it. Some couples manage to find their way back even from the darkest of times, while others might reach a point where the pain and damage become irreparable.

It’s crucial to remember that it’s not just about the timeline, but also about the willingness and effort both partners are willing to put in.

Now, let’s talk about whether it’s worth fixing a broken marriage.

This is a tough one, no doubt about it. The decision to fix a broken marriage is deeply personal and can be influenced by a multitude of factors. Here are a few things to consider:

Communication:

One of the pillars of a strong relationship is open and honest communication. If both partners are willing to sit down and talk about their feelings, concerns, and what led them to this point, it’s a positive sign that there’s a chance for healing.

It might be necessary for at least one willing partner to use seduction skills to attract the other partner into that space first.

Love and Commitment:

Remember why you fell in love in the first place?

Those feelings might still be buried under the rubble of issues, but they could be worth uncovering. If there’s still love and commitment, it’s definitely worth exploring if the marriage can be saved.

Can Menopause Cause a Sexless Marriage And Not Wanting To Be Touched?

Professional Help and Support:

Seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor or therapist can work wonders.

These experts can provide fresh perspectives, communication tools, and strategies to navigate the choppy waters of a struggling marriage.

Self-Reflection:

Take a moment to look within.

Are you both willing to acknowledge your own shortcomings and work on them? Self-awareness and personal growth can play a huge role in reviving a marriage.

Children and Family:

If there are children involved, their well-being should be a priority.

Sometimes, parents choose to work on their marriage for the sake of their kids, and that can be a strong motivator.

However, it’s also important to recognize when it might be time to let go (it doesn’t have to be a permanent decision):

Toxic Dynamics:

If the relationship has become toxic, filled with emotional or even physical abuse, it’s crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being over trying to fix something that might be beyond repair.

Unresolved Issues:

If past issues keep resurfacing and there’s a lack of genuine effort to address them, it might be a sign that the foundation of the relationship is too shaky.

Loss of Trust:

Trust is like a delicate glass vase – once it’s shattered, it’s hard to piece it back together perfectly. If trust has been broken beyond repair, it might be time to reevaluate.

Personal Growth:

Sometimes, individuals grow in different directions.

If you find yourselves with different goals, values, or aspirations that can’t be reconciled, it might be healthier to part ways.

In the end, the question of whether a broken marriage is worth fixing boils down to the efforts, emotions, and circumstances of the people involved.

It’s not an easy road, but with open hearts, dedication, and perhaps some professional guidance, it’s incredible what two people can achieve together.

Just remember, whether you choose to fight for your marriage or part ways, the most important thing is your happiness and your overall well-being.

You deserve a life filled with love, respect, and joy.

So there you have it. Marriage can be a wild ride, full of twists and turns.

It’s never too late to try, but it’s also okay to walk away when the time is right.

Whatever path you choose, remember that you’re not alone – there’s a whole world of support out there cheering you on.

Stay strong, stay kind, and most importantly, stay true to yourself. Until next time!

How do you know it’s too late to save a marriage?

It might be too late to save a marriage when both partners have lost emotional connection and willingness to work on the relationship.

Is it worth fixing a broken marriage?

Whether a broken marriage is worth fixing depends on the individuals involved and their commitment to making positive changes. With the right support, all it takes is one person for a fair chance.

At what point do you stop trying to save your marriage?

You might consider stopping efforts to save a marriage when there’s consistent toxicity, lack of trust, and minimal effort from both partners to improve the situation.

Can a dying marriage be saved?

While challenging, a dying marriage can potentially be saved if at least once person is willing to engage the necessary education on seduction to get both partners into a space where they are open to seeking professional help, communication, and making necessary changes.

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7 Stages of Emotional Affairs + Additional TIPS

Welcome back to LOLAandOLA.com.  Let’s talk about the 7 stages of an emotional affair; a sequel to “5 signs of an emotional affair”.  

Be sure to watch that video too. 

As usual, we are answering your question.  Feel free to continue leaving them in the comment area or send an email to [email protected]

Let’s check out this story.

“So my wife seems to be having an emotional affair with her boss. 

She locked me out of her home computer a few months back (it was shared). 

Just before that I noticed she’d been trying to find a way to stop her phone messages being saved in the cloud.

When I did see some of her messages she’s been texting with him all times of day and at weekends. 

When she went away on a trip a couple of times, he was getting pictures and texts etc. I got nothing.

He talks back with her a lot. 

She’s deleted a lot of the texts (presumably the worst ones??). 

Some of the texts seem to be suggestive but I can’t see if they lead anywhere but I don’t think anything physical has happened. 

It’s more flirting.”

Sorry about this trauma.  It’s going to take a lot of work to get out of this funk.  And I am sorry you have to go through this.  

Maybe understanding the stages of emotional affairs can help you put things in better perspective so you can move forward in the most effective way.

Let’s get into it.

Stage 1

Void

Void

In order for another person to occupy the space of intimacy in a relationship, there must be some type of void.

This is not to blame or assign fault away from the transgressor to the other partner but to highlight the fact that it is what it is.

If you caught your partner in this type of bad behavior, always remember it’s not your fault but that’s not equivalent to not assuming responsibility in the overall status of your relationship.  

Stage 2

Friendship

You’ve always had friends anyway.  For women, they often need to feel safe and secure.  

So the closest person to that when there is a void they want to fill in their present relationship or marriage are ex’s.

Ladies.  Be careful with keeping friendships with your exes.  It might seem innocent because after all there are stages.  

You probably already know that everything feels wrong but right at the same time with this inappropriate relationship.

If you are not careful, you will eventually find yourself justifying it.  Don’t wait for it because again, friendship is a seemingly innocent stage of emotional affairs.

Stage 3

Sharing

In this stage, the transgressor is getting comfortable and starting to share intimate details with the loser on the side.

Why are they losers?  It’s just the reality because you are clearly not 100% emotionally available but yet, they are hoping to build something serious usually.

There is a void as I stated in stage one but it is not the same thing as being emotionally available which is a requirement for a healthy relationship.

Not only was that lady sharing details, when she went away on a trip a couple of times, the loser was getting pictures and texts while the husband got nothing.

At this point, the marriage is in the danger zone.

Stage 4

Secrecy

Secrecy

What happens next?  The transgressor is leaving exhibits and digital footprints on SMS, text messages and WhatsApp right?

These are now secrets which in this context can be described somewhat as lies.  They have to tell more lies and create more secrets to cover up.

But there is a problem.

No matter how much they try to delete messages, it gets worse because even though… remember that story… 

“She’s deleted a lot of the worst texts ,the remaining seem to be suggestive.”

Yes he couldn’t see if they led anywhere or think anything physical had happened.  But the mind doesn’t know that.

Stage 5

Fantasy

Up till this stage, nothing has necessarily happened physically.  But the natural order of things is for the mind to engage images of going all the way through.

At this stage, the transgressor is starting to fantasize not just about physical intimacy but also about what life could be like with the side person.

The mind won’t rest or let’s flip it.  The mind may not be able to comprehend the danger in all of these until a physical act has happened.

That’s why people would call it a mistake while in reality this can only be realistically described as premeditated in reality. 

Stage 6

Dependency

At this stage, the transgressor has spent a lot of energy on this side relationship.  Yes.  they might as well call it a relationship because it’s denial.

They’ve started to fantasize about life with this person and the last thing they want you to call the interaction is an affair.

If you don’t speak to them in a day, your mind won’t rest.  It’s an unhealthy dependency because you can’t really live in truth; nonetheless a dependency.

Don’t forget that the transgressor still depends on the actual partner for something hence the difficulty in just leaving as opposed to cheating.  

Justification

Stage 7

Justification

At this stage, a transgressor is actively trying to turn a lie into a truth.  

Actually, they are probably being honest since they have been intimate with another person consistently over a period of time.  

There is an illusion of greener grass on the other side.

So even though it’s a dishonest lifestyle, it was filling a void and therefore feels like the truth and it’s just being actively justified.

At least, it might feel justified.  It is not.  That band aid must be ripped off that open and rotten wound once and for all.

Many pieces of advice on the internet will probably be conclusive and I know that you probably don’t want to end the marriage.  So it’s confusing at best.

You might not know how far the affair has gone but it really doesn’t matter.  Emotional affairs can hurt just as much if not more because of the fear of the unknown.   

Reference our last video for recovery tips if you’ve caught your partner in this bad behavior.  It’s called “5 Signs of An Emotional Affair + 5 RECOVERY TIPS”.

We share our own story inside the book “GET MY MARRIAGE BACK” which  you can download for free at www.GetMyMarriageBack.com

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