In this lesson, we are sharing 5 tips to save a marriage especially when one person is lukewarm or checked out.
Here is what Steve wrote to us.
“I’m an alcoholic and have said mean things to my wife while drunk.
I also disconnected emotionally and sexually for most of our two year marriage.
My wife has borderline personality disorder and tried very hard to save our marriage.
She then got very depressed and attempted suicide.
I found her and with cpr; after 13 days in the hospital she recovered and then left.
It’s been 3 months.
I went to rehab and quit drinking. I have been working on me and us.
She has finally come around some. She is warm and cold. Can this marriage be saved?”
So what do we have here?
This is an interesting story and as usual, we’ve extracted 5 tips that any married couple can use to rekindle attraction in their marriage.
These tips are mostly valid if you decide that saving the marriage is the best move for you as an individual.
As usual, it is easier said than done because it is highly rewarding when done right.
Today, there are many versions of the law of attraction but with respect to marriage, it is this simple; you attract the marriage that you are involved in.
Honestly, it is one of the hardest things for humans to do; stand in the mirror, learn and gain intelligence from that standpoint.
Steve also said “I also disconnected emotionally and sexually for most of our two year marriage.”
What most people do is point fingers and at best, play an all inclusive blame game when you hear things like “we were both wrong.”
When you do that, the emphasis goes on the word “wrong” from an attack standpoint and that exposes your partner to a need to become defensive.
“Wrong” as a thing then expands because in the law of attraction, what you focus on expands; positive or negative.
So does that mean one person can save the marriage?
Tip #3 – Let Go & Let God
Eventually, it takes two but it doesn’t have to start with two. In fact, it never starts with both parties; one person is usually shut off already.
But here is a tricky one.
One of the biggest delusional behaviors we take-on when we get married is to directly or indirectly try to control our spouse.
It’s actually worse when you are doing it indirectly because you are not aware; in fact, you’d argue that your behavior is not controlling but it is… precisely from an insecure place.
We’ve all done it.
From Steve’s story, it was important that he let her go when a crisis hit his marriage.
Natural instincts and common sense say you should fight which most people interpret as endless begging, manipulation, ambush, family meetings etc.
With respect to the law of attraction, the human mind runs farther away from perceived pain when you chase as opposed to pursue.
If you find yourself in this situation, you have a significantly higher chance of attracting your spouse back when you let go and learn how to pursue.
Here is the difference between chasing and pursuing.
Pursuit in the context of romance puts more energy towards preparing and waiting for the right opportunity from a place of abundance to woo a partner.
I know self-improvement may sound like a cliche but it’s not as simple as it sounds. Remember earlier when we talked about self-accountability as a difficult thing to do.
Instead of waiting just to attract your marriage, I want you to “not wait” but take advantage of this opportunity of being alone (which may never come again because you are about to become high value) to increase your market place value.
Yes. There is a market place and your estranged partner is aware directly or indirectly of (at least) perceived higher value on the other side.
The grass always seems greener on the other side right? But that’s because someone is watering it or the grass is fake… synthetic.
When Steve said… “I went to rehab and quit drinking. I have been working on me and us.”
Working on “me” is key to leveraging the law of attraction to rekindle his marriage.
And the “us” part can set him up for failure because it automatically embeds expectations of another human in the process.
It creates a sense of entitlement but not necessarily intentionally.
The key is to focus on self improvement because it will build self worth, esteem, and confidence and your dating marketplace value.
That may just be what your partner needs to see before coming back around to earn you back.
Want to discover how I used these 3 tricks (simple) to save my marriage after she had completely filed for divorce.
Did you know…
“PolitiFact estimated in 2012 that the lifelong probability of a marriage ending in divorce is 40%–50%.“
So I applaud you that you’ve joined us and I plan to give you tips and tricks that I used.
By the way, that was 2012.
Divorce rate is getting worse because of many reasons which includes people catching new ideas in the name enlightenment.
Many more people are now of the opinion that they don’t need marriage once they encounter some obstacles.
May be your spouse is one of them and the last thing she wants is to save the marriage.
We are social beings and the fact remains that we value relationships and marriage…. but we also all value commitment.
So marriages in general as a practice is not going anywhere.
The smart ones like you might as well figure it out, save the marriage if it’s on the rock.
Did or does you husband or wife:
Disconnect?
Shut down?
Take you for granted?
Refuse to forgive you?
Emotionally and/or verbally abuse you?
Show no affections?
Engages in toxic argument?
Show narcissistic behaviors?
Ask for separation?
Already separated?
Asked for divorce?
Already divorced?
What ever it is, I got you.
This lesson may be all you need to fight for your marriage and to attract the one you love back;
We will cover these 3 tricks and why… it’s not personal, too much talking, it takes 2 or 1 of the tricks really.
As a bonus, I will dive deeper into the art of emotions and feelings with tips to get through the hard times.
Trust me; it’s sweet on the other side of these troubled waters one you save the marriage.
Below is one of the questions that I get once I started sharing the story and how I used these trick to save my marriage…
“ I’m lost… I don’t know what to do.
My wife just declared that she doesn’t love me anymore.
My concern is that we don’t talk anymore.
We don’t even see eye to eye.
We are still staying at the same house, but she always wants to opt out.
She doesn’t want to stay.
She even dared me not to talk to her and she just wants to be gone for good.
But we have 2 children.
I want to save our marriage but she is really hard to handle.
Please help.”
Before I break down the question, here are the 3 simple tricks,
(keep in mind that simple is not same as easy.)
Trick #1 – Be emotionally unavailable to save your marriage
When you are dealing with a marriage on the rocks, it’s also a sign that your spouse has probably already checked out on you.
So what I want to share with you will not be easy but it works.
There is a good chance that you overly emotionally invested evident by the fact that you want to save the marriage.
There is nothing wrong with that but you have to learn how to control and channel the emotions.
Which also means you have made yourself too available emotionally for other people which include your spouse to take you for granted.
Trick #2 – Identify and Occupy your Role
With the new millennial ideologies, you have to be careful about the gender roles allocation in your marriage.
I know that’s probably a buzz trigger word-phrase for many people.
But the truth is the testosterone is real.
I am not a human biologist by any stretch but masculinity and femininity are real and they are also real factor in attraction.
Find out which of those roles you occupy in your particular relationship and learn how to play it well.
Trick #3 – Show up 100% to your 50%
The present status of your relationship is 50% your responsibility.
You need to show up 100% for your part without playing the tit for tat game with your spouse.
Many couple waste so much money on marriage counseling session because they go there to argue.
It usually starts with “but you did that too.”
2 wrongs never makes a right.
So because I cared to save my marriage, I took my focus off the things she was clearly doing wrong.
Emotional matters is not about right and wrong.
Blame or guilt (self blame) will only make your marriage worsen because it drives negative feelings and makes it expand.
Law of attraction; what you focus on expands; be it negative or positive.
6 months after my marriage shut down, I figured this out and it saved my marriage.
She started acting completely strange and at the time,
I did not understand what could make a person flip from one simple and single argument.
Eventually, I accepted that I am okay with the marriage being over but from that very moment…
I Saved my Marriage.
But it wasn’t that simple.
I had bad habits that reared its ugly head from time to time and it would take about 9 months or so to top relapses into argument etc.
You will experience the same but you are ahead of most people by just being aware.
I focused on doing my part from and emotional standpoint right; I couldn’t afford to continue to show up 75% because “SHE MADE ME.”
That became a bad excuse.
Removing yourself as a method is a simple demand and supply rule; basic economics.
“If there is a decrease in supply of goods and services while demand remains the same, prices tend to rise to a higher equilibrium price and a lower quantity of goods and services”
What’s the price of access to your emotions and the good marriage you had at this point for your spouse?
If your spouse has ever being in love with you, you can completely reverse engineer the attraction back and make them want you.
With this analogy, we know that the demand from your spouse for a loving marriage with you is lower. (a.k.a lower attraction.)
The last thing you want to be doing right now is trying to force that demand to grow by demanding your spouse to save the marriage.
Attraction doesn’t work like that; it’s either one is attracted or not.
Basically, there are underlying emotions that lines up to made spouse fall in love in the first place.
It wasn’t exactly a choice.
That’s why they call it “charm.”
The first thing you need to do immediately is to reduce “supply” of the goods.
If it was ever good, it’s still good but it doesn’t mean that the buyer (your spouse) still value the goods.
If you try to force-change demand for the marriage you once had with your wife, that would be interpreted as control and manipulation.
Effectively, you will continue to push your spouse further away.
Instead, the only thing you can do to increase the perceived value or price of your marriage is to reduce the supply of your emotions.
But this is a form of negotiation.
That’s means you have to mean it… it’s easier said than done.
“The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. “
Corey Wayne
However that doesn’t mean to threaten you spouse about walking away even they do same.
It’s more of a behavior; a vibe and certain type of energy that you are okay with or without the marriage.
If you say it in words verbatim, it will destroy the purpose.
WARNING! You will experience a form of withdrawal because you are probably addicted to your spouse at this point.
It’s little to no wonder why his or hers behavior reflects wanting to run from your marriage.
Pull back, it’s time to do something different.
There is a way that a typical man behave in a relationship or marriage.
Also, there is a way that, not just the society, but your spouse expects you to show up with respect to roles, gender and/or gender identity.
These roles are not necessary stronger or weaker than the other.
But there must be a general leader.
Leadership roles can also vary from one aspect of the marriage to the other.
For example, you can have the wife lead when it comes to matters of finances while the husband leads in execution.
Still, there must be someone who leads.
With traditional heterosexual marriages, the man is usually the leader; high valued men are generally leaders.
A typical woman (not all) would not be able to maintain attraction with a man who is not a leader even if they started a marriage together.
Many woman find themselves in a marriage before realizing that the husband can’t lead.
Usually, they don’t really know what it is, they just find that they can’t respect him.
If a woman can’t respect you, she cannot love you & you cannot save your marriage.
The same thing happens when a high valued man find that they are already married to a woman who have a hard time being feminine.
It causes chaos that usually show symptoms such as low attraction, toxic arguments and divorce threats.
Most of the emotional troubles and abuse that marriages encounter are caused by low attraction at its core.
It’s simple.
A person who is attracted to you is too busy trying to stay with you and not the other way around.
With that being said, there are unknown bad habits that society seems to make okay.
For example,newly married couples often find a little fun in a little argument; they call it “harmless argument.”
The problem with that is the fact that all arguments add just a little more toxicity in your relationship.
You just never know how much toxic it is for your partner.
There are many school of thoughts that teaches “how to argue with your spouse.”
This is very dangerous.
While you may not feel that arguments are bad for your relationship, keep in mind that you are not in relationship with yourself.
A man who understand a woman never argues with a woman.
Arguments are NOT synonymous to disagreements.
They can start as a debate or discussion or completely from a petty conversation.
But they tend to escalate into a very toxic conversation.
I find that many men are naive about the toxic effects of arguments on their marriage in the long run.
There is no one thing that kills a marriage; the things that kills marriage usually happen in series and sequence over time.
We are humans.
So I know that you will be lured into a little debate here and there.
But this awareness will help you to know when to stop; even if that means a little awkward dismissal energy.
Women don’t like arguments from their man but they don’t necessarily know to put it in words to stop.
Arguments makes a woman lose respect for a man, relationship and/or marriage to him over time.
The man is usually is usually talking about the subject topic in present time while the woman is always connecting the big picture.
She doesn’t forget a thing.
That argument will become your problem long after the conversation is over.
This dynamic is a little different in ever marriage.
Therefore you need to study your particular relationship for the masculine to feminine dynamics.
You will hear it if you listen patiently without prejudice.
Now let’s break down that question as it represents some of the emotions you may be going through in your marriage right now.
“ I’m lost… I don’t know what to do.” ~ This Energy is Destroying Your Marriage
This is a terrible place for a man to be in emotionally and I have to be hard a little bit.
If you are the man in a marriage and you are supposed to be the leader and masculine figure of the marriage,
You cannot be the one who is not sure of yourself.
This is especially true in a situation where your marriage is already heading in a terminal direction of divorce.
Masculine energy is sure of itself.
If your wife shut down on you, it’s means that she doesn’t value marriage with you any longer.
To be fair, it’s pretty normal for you to panic and want to fix her back to where she used to be.
But she is not the one that needs to be fixed; her attraction towards you needs to be fixed.
Not knowing what to do is an emotion that you need to rise above at this time in order to reverse attraction back into your marriage.
You don’t need validation from her to do that.
What you need first is knowledge and lots of practice to snap of the bad habit of seeking validation from your wife.
It will initiate your best chances of attracting her back into loving…
the idea of saving your marriage.
It needs to feel like her idea in order for anything else to work.
Anything short of that is manipulation and it will back fire and push her further away.
It’s natural for you to be frustrated during this tough time but that’s exactly what you need to rise above.
If you are the wife and you are not sure of what to do, I understand especially if your man has shut down.
You need to figure what he values with you still being in his life and remove it.
I am not talking about his children because that will become manipulation and just wrong.
Remember that 2 wrongs don’t make a right.
If he is still coming to you for sex that you also want, own the fact that you still want that.
But there is a good chance you don’t want to be intimate with him when he is being nasty to you.
Don’t be.
But don’t just shut off intimacy in your marriage indefinitely…
Be deliberate and intentional by asking him to work together in saving your marriage.
Ask him to work with a counselor or a coach if he wants to continue to enjoy whatever he values with you.
The first step is to still give him the gift of missing whatever he still wants with you.
That may just be emotional availability for him.
“My wife just declared that she doesn’t love me anymore.”
Most people panic when they hear this phrase as expected.
But you should know this.
If a person has to say that out in words, then you should isolate that feeling into the present.
You can completely reverse that by acknowledging it without emotional reaction.
Simply “I understand.”
That alone will transfer a little anxiety back into your because he or she would wonder what you are thinking.
That automatically increases attraction level.
“My concern is that we don’t talk anymore.”
If you are this much concerned, your conversation probably lead to back and forth arguments whenever you have a little chance.
You see…
There are some predictable behaviors that you are both probably propagating right now killing the chances of saving your marriage.
In general, predictability leads into lower attraction and complacent energy in a marriage.
It’s time to switch things up.
Concern usually means fear and fear is 100% destructive when not managed.
This is especially true during a marriage crisis.
So if you are not talking right now, you should take it as an opportunity to work on your emotional self control.
You will need to get ready for an opportunity that will inevitably come to save your marriage once and for all.
An opportunity will present itself to talk.
At that point, you will do ONE of 2 things;
you will make ONE of 2 choices and only one will save your marriage.
(1) You will show same old predictable behavior and effectively decrease attraction levels.
It will confirm to your spouse that they are moving in the direction which is away from your marriage.
(2) Showcase a brand new person who is growing emotional control.
Effectively, it will temporarily confuse your spouse and make him or her wonder.
That’s the equivalent of increasing attraction to save your marriage.
You simply have to get good at doing this over and over.
Before you know it, your spouse and marriage is being led in a different direction.
So in your particular relationship and marriage, you simply need to identify what these predictable behaviors are and switch.
For example, if your predictable behavior to allow your spouse to disrespect you with harsh words, tell him or her….
“I don’t appreciate you talking to be in that tone.”
Say it and leave it at that.
The only way to mess that up is to allow it to lead into an argument which means you need your spouse to validate that demand.
That’s neediness.
Neediness is 100% of the time unattractive when a marriage is in crisis.
On the flip side, if you are a person, who had low tolerance whenever your spouse offends you,
Look out for the opportunity to switch that while working on your emotional self control.
When the opportunity present itself, your spouse will offend you as expected.
Instead of going crazy on him or her, allow an awkward silence and subsequently ask “what do you mean?”
The idea is to switch the vibe in your interaction and marriage on them and make them wonder.
When he or she wonders, curiosity and attraction grows effectively.
Keep in mind that it’s a process to save your marriage.
Patience is required.
You cannot afford to get frustrated because your spouse is not reciprocating fast enough for you.
You will feel like it sometimes.
But then you have to remind yourself, “I want to save my marriage.”
You have to exercise infinite patience and the only exception is physical abuse.
If you are the man and or the one who brings the masculine energy into the marriage, let her talk.
Let go of your need to talk and be right.
Trust me; you don’t need it and a health masculine energy is not needy.
If you feel like you need to talk, explain yourself and need her to “see your point”, that EXACTLY is what is pushing her away.
That’s a feminine energy and won’t know how to tell you; unless you want her to tell you “you are acting like a b%^TCH.”
As a typical feminine woman, you need to learn and master what makes a man tick and want to protect you.
When there is a marriage crisis, men tend to turn on overdose of feminine energy.
He would start caring about a validation from you without realizing that it removes him from is essence.
Look out for him and tell him how sexy he looks when he lets you win the argument…
…switch it like this alone can save your marriage
Don’t tell him how un-sexy arguments makes him look;
Especially if he is one of those types that will get butt hurt and all up in his feelings.
There is a good chance that you as a woman don’t even care about the topic and you are enjoying the temporary high of it.
A typical man can’t see as far as a woman emotions; men don’t see BIG PICTURES during arguments.
He won’t realize he is painting crazy pictures in your mind; he thinks he is in a political debate with a buddy.
This is a art more than it is a science; you can’t force it just like you didn’t force getting together earlier in your relationship.
“We are still staying at the same house, but she always wants to opt out. She doesn’t want to stay.”
This is yet another sign that your conversation always lead to toxic energy;
…that’s what she is running away from… But you can save the marriage.
There are many books in the market on how to save your marriage but none of them matches up to our methods.
In fact, there is a book by Lee Baucom on how to do it 3 steps… here is some of the reviews….
“It is okay. Same as other books I have read. Good communication, mutual respect and admiration. Make time even when you don’t feel like it. Marriage relationship must priority above all else, over career, children ect.“
“I think the publication is a little short of complete, The concepts and advise seem sound and certainly it will influence my thinking and actions i the future. I was left with the sense that there was a lot of pushing the authors “system” and that one wouldn’t really derive the full value until one actually embark on the “system”. Still a worthwhile read and something i’ll probably recommend.”
Over all, people are saying it okay because its same ‘ol “love yourselves, respect yourselves, communication communication communication….
Same ‘ol.
Get Marriage Back is our story with actionable things you can do without being manipulative… from psychological and emotional stand point.
Your spouse knows the right thing to do but he or she doesn’t feel like it….
That’s emotions.
Let’s continue… Save Your Marriage
“She even dared me not to talk to her and she just wants to be gone for good. But we have 2 children.”
At this stage, she is still helping you because of the blessing that children truly are.
“I want to save our marriage but she is really hard to handle.”
She is not the one that you need to fix or handled.
If there is any human that can be fixed, it’s the self adult in the marriage.
To build attraction back into your marriage, you cannot afford to shape your mouth to say you want handle another adult like a child.
Evidently, it doesn’t work.
What worked and can still work is the fact that your spouse was once attracted to you that a whole marriage happened.
Along the way, both of you have probably gotten complacent and taken each other for granted.
This is normal behavior.
It’s also normal for 40% – 50% of marriages to end up in divorce just like that.
Therefore its a courageous thing for you to lead the path to save your marriage.
If you can pull it off, it will be a brand new marriage that is 1000% better than whatever you had because you would be both experienced.
Good marriages comes from work and not from compatibility that many claim lack thereof is their issue at the divorce court.
It takes two to tango but it takes one to lead the dance.
You should be proud of yourself.
It comes down to attraction.
(1) Remove the overdose of your emotional energy.
Arguments and emotionally charged conversations kill relationships and marriages.
(2) Find and Own your Role; neither is less than the other.
If you are a typical man, showing up with feminine energy will make your lady lose respect for you.
Likewise, if you are a typical woman, competing with your man to lead will create overdose of masculine energy.
If he is like most men, it will make him feel emasculated and effectively, you will whatever is it that you fear;
…A man who will make you feel unsafe in the marriage.
(3) Don’t compete in the blame game, guilt and shaming each other.
It may feel like you are right and winning in the moment but the end result is exactly the vibes you are trying to avoid in your marriage.
BONUS – Master emotional self control.
Enjoy the video…
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