The affair will never be worth what you have already shared with your spouse
But it is important that you showcase being unbothered by anything or anyone outside of the relationship you have with him or her.
The worst thing you can do is to spend your space apart bickering about affairs; it will only expand and you will push your spouse further away.
(3) It Takes One But…
Insisting that you stay together is not going to help save your marriage as much as attracting your spouse back.
It only takes one person to create attraction but that requires a process and insisting otherwise will interrupt that process of attraction.
Instead, let go as it only takes “you” to build attraction which is the single most important thing that is missing right now.
(4) Don’t Use/Abuse Children
The marriage separation period will come with a lot of temptations
And one of them is trying to inflict emotional abuse and blackmail on your spouse.
Another one is abusing your children as a tool to accomplish that goal.
It always backfires.
The most common one, believe it or not, is not as obvious as you may think.
It happens more in the form of manipulation under the pretense of protecting the child or children.
What you want to do is stay focused on what you want and don’t want
And leave the children out of it even if that’s painful for you emotionally.
Your emotional feelings are temporary.
The only exception to this, is physical abuse of the children; in that case, it would be non-negotiable to get the children removed from harm’s way.
(5) After 3 Months, You are Free
It’s not advisable to engage in transgressions with other people during separation but we are all humans.
Technically, you are free to move on after 3 months of lack of sexual relationship when it is not medically related in my personal opinion.
But also in my personal opinion, the most profitable and worthwhile thing to work on in this period is self growth.
If you don’t, transgression and the lifestyle that comes with it can destroy everything you care about.
It can be even worse when it’s done in retaliation.
If you decide to move on, seek legal counsel to avoid exposing you and/or your children to unfavorable legal loopholes.
(6) More Actions/Less Talking
That should be pretty clear but be careful not to confuse certain inaction with emotional centered-ness.
For example, don’t abandon your children and/or your normal responsibilities in the name of less talking.
That would be irresponsible and such behavior will continue to lower your spouse’s attraction towards you.
Just keep in mind that changed behavior is the best apology.
So for the most part, verbal apology will work against you because of the expectation for instant results.
Stay away from arguments, approval seeking behaviors and focus on building your self during this period.
(7) You Allow Disrespect
If there are any type of disrespect and/or disregard from your spouse during your separation, ask yourself first,
“How did I put myself in that position?”
“How did I allow that”?
You need to take the time to extract the answer to that question as it will help with clarity as you move into the new phase of your marriage.
The bottom-line and the result of this exercise should be that no one should be taking anyone for granted again.
When you take yourself for granted, your spouse will see it as a permission to take you for granted if they are weak like most people.
(8) Never Bribe for Sex
Don’t manipulate with whatever you do for your spouse, children and family at this time as a bribe for sex.
It will work against your desire.
Do it if you find it honorable to do and you don’t have to if you don’t feel like it.
The worst thing you can do is do it and then blame them for not reciprocating.
(9) Work on Yourself
That should be self explanatory.
Use the marriage separation period to build yourself and attract the love and affection that you deserve.
It’s simple but I agree…
It’s easier said than done.
Below is a question for us to address with this lesson…
“ I really enjoy your content on IG: @LOLAandOLA and I need to ask you a question.
In April 2017, my wife said she wanted space for 2 weeks because we were not in a good place and she was distracted by an affair at the time.
Initially, I objected and wanted us to get a fresh new start.
She did not return and recently found out she is in a full blown now having sexually intimate moments with her partner on the same bed as my 6 years old daughter who told me she’s uncomfortable.
As a christian, am I totally free without guilt to remarry even though we are not officially divorced.
I’m not going to crawl and beg her.
I did all I could to fight and save the marriage. But it’s clearly not working out.
She finds joy in disrespecting me and talking to me anyhow, rudely and distastefully.
Mind you, I am financially okay and earn 8-figures per annum.
I still give her monthly up-keep, 120K per month, for my daughters, excluding fees, clothing… until 2019 January when I stopped for many reasons.”
Enjoy the video.
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Before we dive into more details about infidelity…
Let’s answer the question as it will help with fundamentals.
In order to survive a crisis in any type of relationships
(especially a marriage), you can’t afford to undermine the power of an overall positive attitude.
Therefore if you are dealing with a negative and/or shutdown spouse, it will take a tremendous emotional energy to maintain your cool.
As I said earlier, respect is earned.
Just as trust and submission, all these actions are driven in a marriage as effects and not a cause.
Sure you can deliberately initiate them.
But it will eventually drain you emotionally if you are not aware of the underlying attraction level that initially brought you and you spouse together.
That is to say, if you are not presently attracted to your husband, it won’t last much long if you force yourself to respect him.
So in the long run, you need to address the cause of the low attraction level.
You have to also respect and love yourself enough to attract the type of love you deserve from your spouse.
It is natural for couples to go through this over time as complacency kicks in.
So I am saying that it is natural to take each other for granted over-time.
Is your marriage a mistake?
There is no relationship that is a mistake and here is why.
Every relationship you engage in your life must be regarded as an opportunity to grow.
It’s part of the interpretations you must add to your efforts of positive attitude.
Because that energy will drive a lot more other actions that will drive your spouse to do right by you.
Subsequently, it will propagate energy that will attract the types of relationship and may be another marriage that will serve you.
Can we agree that the marriage you have right now is bad especially if infidelity is involved?
Therefore it’s time to build a brand-new marriage with or without the same and present spouse.
That attitude gives you your best chance of attracting your present spouse to do right by you if that’s in fact what you want.
Effectively, if you lead with the attitude that it “MUST” be the same spouse,
Your desperate energy will push him or her away further.
Sure we all need prayer.
The scripture says….
“Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.”
James 2:17 New King James Version (NKJV)
The Real Meaning of Infidelity
The truth of the matter is that infidelity is involved whenever a promise is broken in your marriage.
It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature.
Therefore, any type of promise that was made in your vows no matter how little is seems will result in infidelity.
What is the difference between infidelity and adultery?
Adultery is more specific of a way to describe sexual related betrayal in a marriage.
But it’s an effect.
In order to fix adultery as one of the many types of infidelity, we have to go deeper into causes; Root Cause Analysis.
Of course it’s easier to point the most fingers at the person who engaged sexually with another outside of the marriage.
Most of the infidelity that happens in marriages has nothing to do with sexual behaviors.
However all of the different types of infidelities create resentments and complacency over-time.
For example, if you promised to be there for richer or poorer…
But then catch attitude last week because he was broke financially, that’s a form of infidelity.
In addition, catching negative attitude in the midst of any crisis does not solve it; it expands the emotional effect of it.
So, you’d agree that marriage has probably been infected with infidelity and needs work right?
I am by no means telling you that cheating or having an affair outside of the marriage is any easier to deal with.
All I am saying is that those types tend to be the most obvious to judge people with.
It’s very important that you use that to adjust your perspective in order to attract the love and marriage that you deserve.
Judgment, guilt, and blame will harm you, your relationships and especially any children involved.
Therefore you have to rise above the obvious emotions such anger, resentments, rage that you will naturally feel…
If you are on the receiving end of an infidelity.
That’s going to take work, but it’s doable and it’s your best shot at attracting happiness again.
So should you Stay in the Marriage After Infidelity?
It depends on your particular relationship.
If it’s taking you more than 3 months to at least forgive, you probably should consider separation first.
Because it’s not helpful for any of the parties for the other to live in mystery.
Time apart may just be what you need to appreciate life, the marriage or both again.
That same time apart may help a perpetual adulterer make a decision to nurture what they value…
And have clarity of where he or she belongs (with you or someone else).
Having out in that dark spot for longer than 3 month tends to create more and more emotional damage in you, your spouse and even any children that may be involved.
But marriage is usually not easy to just throw away.
If it was easy, you probably would not have that question.
Ask yourself this question however…
Are you running from your problems obviously entangled up in infidelity right now?
As I have said, the problem is deeper than the effects
Of which some of them are cheating, affairs and infidelity.
Minimum of 50% of this (though not your fault) is your problem.
So if your quick solution is to leave the marriage, you will effectively take 50% of the problem with you.
Hence why 76% of marriages to divorces ends in about 2 years according to many studies.
It will help you ensure that you work on yourself before concluding that leaving is the solution.
How to Practically Rebuild Trust Even After Infidelity
When you first met your spouse, it was natural to trust because attractions high.
It’s easy to be in love and trust a person that you truly don’t know.
The reality is that you couldn’t possible love them though.
That trust was fake in essence.
Now that you are dealing with the after effects and emotions from infidelity, the real work is needed.
Anything that’s worthwhile in life will take work.
It was never practical to trust another human at the level that we do in a marriage.
That’s why I always say, people that say ‘I do’ don’t know what they are doing.
It doesn’t even matter how much pre-marital counseling you have before, you simply couldn’t comprehend what you were about to do.
So I get it
Trust can be hard to rebuild once it has been breached by a spouse but it’s do able.
But, I have to tell.
Holding your marriage and specially your happiness hostage because of trust issues will not help you.
Here are some scriptures that warned you about trust and its application to infidelity recovery…
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.
Psalm 118:8 ESV
Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.
Jeremiah 17:5 ESV
You are not even supposed to trust yourself; much less another person.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
Proverbs 28:26 ESV
Listen…
It’s natural for you to feel hurt and wallow in the mystery of it for a while.
But it’s time for you to realize that you deserve happiness and take the bulls by the horn.
How?
Leave all your trust issues in the hands of God and start living.
That’s easier said than done but hearing it or reading it from me might as well be the first step in the right direction.
Is an adulterer always an adulterer?
You’ve heard the saying, “once a cheater always a cheater.”
That’s absolutely an impossible lie.
It’s a lie that can hold you hostage even long after your spouse has repented due to…
A larger purpose than the seduction and excitement they may have derived from their past transgression.
Here is a quick 2 step-solution to that.
Do the work that will attract him or her to re-commit back into a brand-new marriage with you.
Let go and forgive yourself for attracting the old marriage.
Enjoy your new marriage one day at a time.
As you can see, none of the step has anything to do with putting the focus on fixing your spouse.
The work must be done from the inside to attract what you want on the outside.
What is the main reason for infidelity?
Of course in the long term, loyalty will benefit and create joy as opposed to short-term excitement.
But People cheat mainly for a lack of a larger purpose than the pleasure and excitement of secrecy.
It’s a choice but it’s also a choice that most humans are never too holy to make.
Most people just need the right circumstances to align to find themselves choosing pleasure over loyalty in the short term.
10+ Causes of Infidelity
Circumstances can include but not limited to:
Not receiving enough attention from the significant other,
Inappropriate engagement with friendly acquaintances,
Low self esteem
Immaturity
Background and childhood trauma
Belief system
Low attraction
Unmatched libido level
Retaliation for past transgression
(10) 12…Principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Ephesians 6:12, King James Version
But it’s never your fault when your significant other makes a choice to have an affair.
However you may have helped create one of the circumstances that align the opportunity for short-term human excitement.
They could have also chosen to rise above.
But judgment, blame, and guilt or self-guilt won’t help.
It’s time to understand “WHY” at a deeper level and attract an infidelity free brand new marriage.
The best chances of a lifetime joy is with a repented spouse because you are now both equipped with knowledge
Which becomes power when you both apply to a daily loving marriage for the rest of your lives.
Treat it on a daily basis…
Because obsession with the past and tomorrow will drown your relationships and especially your marriage.
If friendship with an opposite sex that you are personally friends with, an ex or a blast from the past is involved,
Respect yourself by allowing your spouse to go and sort that out before starting your brand-new marriage with them.
No one with healthily give you what you can’t give yourself.
Therefore if you can’t love and respect yourself, your spouse can’t love and respect you.
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Frequently asked Question on How to Save a Failing Marriage…
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