In this lesson, we will cover a very popular question asked by women in seemingly unhappy marriages; “does he love me?”
But first which one?
There is a difference between Love & In-Love
To love someone is a deliberate value driven act while to be in-love is a feeling that comes from attraction and often a sense of newness.
It is possible for a man to love you and not necessarily be in love with you.
That is to say, the attraction level is low and unfortunately you can feel it that he is not drawn to you as evident by this question.
So if you can’t tell in his body language, he is probably not in love with you at the moment.
But keep in mind that it is probably temporary,
Especially if you have experienced the feeling of him being in love with you in the past
…depending on how far into the past it has been.
If a man still needs you in his life, he probably loves you because again…
Loving someone is a value driven deliberate action.
But in that same space, he may net be as attracted to you as he needs to be.
To love someone is a process and an on-going thing while being in love with a person is more of a state of mind; a feeling.
If he is in love with you, you will be able to tell as he shows that he can’t have enough for you.
For a man to love at that level takes a while and a process of growth.
34 years into marriage, a man can love you and it would be synonymous to being in love with you
Because that relationship has probably been tested a few times.
So the idea of not being with you is not a thing and cannot be even remotely entertained.
But it is a value driven act because it took time, a process and probably all types of tests on his character and the dynamics of your relationship with him to be in that space.
Therefore if you just met this man recently, loving you is not exactly relevant as he probably doesn’t even know himself
…with respect to your relationship enough.
However, he may be in-love with you
But you would be able to tell from his body language and other forms of expression if he is.
As an adult, the other question is if you are in love with him.
I would go out on a limb and answer for you; YES.
Wondering about a man’s feelings for you is one of the signs of high attraction and that you are in love with the idea of that person.
If this was a high school situation, no one knows themselves enough to be able to recognize real love.
How do I get out of an unhappy marriage when he is not in love with me?
If a man is not in love with you, that’s just a temporary feeling and a sign of low attraction.
So getting out of the marriage is not a solution especially if you’ve ever experienced high attraction in the marriage in the past.
Therefore if you have, the next best thing to do is to learn how to make him want you again.
It’s a nice little known skill that you probably used unknowingly when you were also in that space of giving naturally into the marriage.
The first step is to know that there is no such thing as an “unhappy marriage”; there are only 2 unhappy people in a marriage.
If you know anything about happiness, it comes from the inside and never from another person, a spouse or a partner.
Sure…. You may argue that others can influence your happiness.
But ultimately, that’s called environmental factors… kinda like the weather.
Your marriage surroundings may feel gloomy but again, that’s a feeling.
And with proper knowledge, wisdom and empowerment, you can control how you feel from the inside… and like I said…
True happiness only comes from the inside.
If you give other people and your environment the power to control how happy you feel, it will always be that much short of true joy;
A necessary ingredient for “marriage goals”.
Thirdly, you go into a relationship to give.
So leaving this marriage for any reason outside of physical abuse will not necessarily make you happy.
You have a better chance of a “happy marriage” for lack of a better term when you build yourself from the inside
So that you can have enough to give emotionally into the relationship.
Also, confidence and non-neediness is one of the most attractive features you can develop to bring into your marriage.
And you can seduce anyone you want back into a blissful relationship with you when you learn how to.
There is a good chance that you have in the beginning but we all get complacent and take things for granted in relationships;
a.k.a “I lost myself”, ever heard that before.
So your marriage is only really over if you don’t want it anymore with this weapon of attraction at your disposal.
Also, if money and finances are not right in your marriage, it will cause issues.
But again running from that problem is an oxymoron; at least 50% of that problem is your shadow and it will follow you anywhere you go.
Leaving is a last resort;
First of all, find out what value or solution you can give into this monster of a relationship that you already know; it’s your best chance at happiness.
With a will, the power of seduction and high attraction, you will survive, thrive and become relationship goals that many will envy for a long time.
Keep in mind that the grass is always greener on the other side because it is being watered somehow.
“What if I’m not in love with my husband but I can’t leave?”
Not being in love is a temporary feeling and symptom of underlying issues in your marriage.
Leaving the marriage because of the symptoms will not fix your problem; in fact, it will potentially make life more miserable for you.
But you are the one in the marriage and you probably have deeper and clearer context.
If it’s just as simple and temporary as “not being in love”,
Look inside objectively and ask yourself if you have value or can build value to bring into this relationship.
This is easier said than done but it’s your best shot at a happy and blissful marriage again.
But keep in mind that leaving your marriage or divorce is not a crime as much as it may not be the solution.
If it’s a physical abuse situation, leave physically immediately and seek professional help.
Toxic arguments is one of the top signs of communication breakdown in a marriage;
It feels like a high that you know it’s bad for you but you can’t stop it until it destroys;
Shutting down on your spouse dismissively can be just as toxic.
So if you can still have a healthy loving conversation with your spouse, that’s a great place to start and build from.
If you have kids, don’t abuse them as a manipulation tool to leave or stay in the marriage.
The best thing you can do for kids is to be an example of what a healthy relationship and marriage looks like as they learn more from behavior.
I know we make it sound simple but nothing here is easy; it is simple but not easy… it’s easier said than done.
But it’s worth every effort you apply.
However, it is absolutely okay to draw emotional strength to want to give into and work on your marriage from your kids.
In a situation of emotional abuse and just flat bad behavior like alcohol and drug abuse, a higher level of patience is required.
But fundamentally, you can use the power of seduction and reverse psychology to get your spouse to start behaving right.
There is a reason why he or she is still in the marriage.
If they are the one solely benefiting from that reason, they may never change if they don’t show what it feels like to take that benefit away.
For example. I hear other counselors all the time insinuating that sex should not be used to punish the spouse.
I believe differently.
It’s impossible for a person who wants sex to use it to punish another;
It seems that way because they are clearly no attracted to the idea of having sex with the spouse.
In this context, sex would be the benefit that you should not be giving when you know that you are not attracted due to bad and abusive behaviors.
Sex is not a duty, it’s to be enjoyed together.
But having it less than twice a week outside of medical reasons is a sign and symptom of underlying issues.
So in conclusion…
You should be focused on “giving” into your marriage and use that as the first step in solving all problems and dealing with crisis.
Sure… much patience would be required as everything is a process before you eventually start receiving.
However, keep in mind that all forms of abuse will probably not stop unless there are real consequences.
It’s as simple as demanding that abusers seek help out of respect for yourself, sometimes asking for temporary space and time does help,
But ultimately using that to work on building yourself so that you can have enough to give and attract the love you deserve and desire.
Below is a question for us to address with this lesson…
“I think I am between struggle and miserable.
34 years and 6 kids.
He’s always been a drinker. It’s getting worse.
He smokes pot everyday… has no job, not being very helpful unless I get angry and nag.
I am done but I can’t see that I have allowed him to become what he is.
No job, no prospect, no reliability to support himself.
I don’t know how to get out.”
Enjoy the video.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Is divorce better than an unhappy marriage?
Divorce and leaving you marriage is not a crime but be sure to assess your feelings against reality because leaving is often not the solution to lack of happiness.
In reality, there is no such thing as an “unhappy marriage”; there are only 2 unhappy people in a marriage
Is it normal to be unhappy in marriage?
It is not normal to be in an unhappy marriage just as much as it is not normal to deliberately stay in a low quality lifestyle.
What are the signs of a unhappy marriage?
Happiness is an individual feeling that doesn’t come from the marriage but personal responsibility of the parties in the marriage.
I guess you can then call it an unhappy marriage when at least one of the parties in the marriage shows sign of happiness.
A break down in communication and consistent argument is a sign of at least one unhappy person in a marriage.
How do I get out of an unhappy marriage?
There is no such thing as an “unhappy marriage”; there are only 2 unhappy people in a marriage.
Therefore the only way is honorably and respectfully communicate your intentions with your spouse; the same action that create seemingly happy marriage.
How do you know when your marriage is really over?
You marriage is over when at least one of the parties says it is over. It takes 2 to be in a marriage.
However, they may express this in action. For example,a marriage might as well be over when there is no intimacy for 3 months straight without medical issues.
Ultimately, it depends on the full context.
How do you know when to leave a marriage?
If your spouse has left you in a marriage, then you should consider leaving the marriage out of self respect.
It takes a minimum of 2 people to be in a marriage.
If you are feeling unhappy inside the marriage, leaving your marriage will not necessarily make you happy.
Getting into a new relationship with another person will still involve at least 50% of the cause of your unhappiness.
Consider assessing the real reason or underlying issues behind your unhappiness and working on yourself before leaving.