And the good thing with that is, now you have time to back it over with your behavior.
Right?
Especially if your behavior has actually reflected that.
Though we don’t support you asking for forgiveness over and over again.
You have to do it one time.
Maybe once or twice and it’s done.
The rest has to be your changed behavior.
That’s what really matters.
But some people are just asking for forgiveness like “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” every small thing they’d say I’m sorry.
No…
You are making things worse and you are being annoying.
You need to know when you are being annoying.
So you have to give them time to process things.
Some people may have a hard time to forgive because it’s very hard for an average human being to forgive.
Once you hurt a person, it’s a trust issue.
It will be hard for him to open up again because you’ve built a wall in the future.
So for them to open up again you need time.
If you had a good time with this person in the past or anything like that, they will remember.
They will start reflecting if you stay out of their face.
But if you keep pushing to fix everything now… that will work against you.
Asking over and over again… let’s put into logic a little bit, if you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result, that’s called insanity.
The same thing, like don’t think your apology is all suddenly going to fix things.
Forgiveness will require a lot of follow ups… even cheating, because even the follow ups are not apologizing.
Question: “How do I apologize for hurting my wife?”
John Gray is in the hot seat right now and is probably hoping that this whole thing will die down but he is not helping either because he issued an apology and I think we should play the apology first before we get into anything .
Here is John Gray’s apology:
“I wanna take this moment to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the areas of my life that I left unattended. That I was apathetic about. The areas where I have treated the calling of God, the grace of God and a hand of God casually in my life. For every area of behavior that has dishonor the holiness of God, I wanna tell you I’m sorry. There have been a number of things and blogs, some of them accurate, some of it not…”
His apology maybe is the right thing to do because he is a pastor in the church.
But talking to his wife, it just feels like it will cause more embarrassment.
For me, I don’t like the loud noise.
That’s bringing so much attention to us so in the moment we should shut it down.
If you feel like the right thing for you to do is to apologize, then you are right…
Now is that going to create the result you want, that is the story that we really should be talking about.
See, if you are worried about whether it is the right thing to do or not, you are always right.
Whatever you feel is right is right.
Is that gonna create the result that you’re looking to achieve, that’s where the work is and that’s where a lot of people miss it.
With that being said, the only time it will be right for you to tender an apology to either a wife or husband or anybody is when that person is asking for it.
Why?
Because you listen, that person is asking for it.
So if the person is asking for it and you truly feel that you should apologize, and there is nothing wrong with apologizing but if you are tendering an apology as a form of reaction to being called out.
You just got called out… you did something wrong and you just want to fix it immediately for the misery to go away.
The first thing that goes to your mind is to say I’m sorry.
That I’m sorry is gonna do more hurt.
It can be considered manipulation because you are manipulating.
That apology will hurt more than it will help you create the result you are looking for.
So, How Do I APOLOGIZE for HURTING my wife?
Well, first of all the best apology is Changed Behavior.
That’s gonna take time so there’s time and patience involved.
That means they may not be willing to hear you out right now, the best thing you want to do is stay away from giving them your mouth in every way that you can think of.
You stay away from that.
Let things calm down.
Let things simmer before you give apologies.
That’s why the apology that John Gray gave is premature.
It cannot possibly be authentic because it’s a reaction form of apology…
but how do I apologize for hurting my wife?
Listen…
Changed Behavior.
Take your time.
If she asks for an apology, then you can tender that in the form of words but the best apology is not words.
Your apology in the form of words is a lot more useful when the person is asking for it.
In fact, I would argue that you also need that space to regain back your emotional control and escape potential emotional abuse.
Remember.. No one can abuse you emotionally unless you allow it.
Focusing on giving has a direct correlation with fixing your marriage successfully but it must accompany a generous level of patience.
How much you give has a lagging and not a leading indication in your marriage.
(3) Avoid Predictable Reactions
You are responsible for your actions and your reactions are your actions.
Essentially, you don’t get to say “he or she made me do it.”
You are an adult and…
Therefore you are responsible for your actions even when you are not willing to take responsibility.
But you are in a better position of control when you take responsibility without confusing it with guilt and/or self-blame.
When a spouse shuts down, it tends to create triggers for overreaction in many aspects.
So one of the tricks you can use to fix your marriage is to identify scenarios where you would normally overreact and simply do the opposite.
This trick is not a one size fits all.
If you are normally dormant in reacting, then you should gain courage and speak up using words.
But say what you want to say once and leave it there. Arguments will create an undesirable effect.
The idea of this trick is to not be predictable; being predictable kill attraction.
If you can successfully make your spouse wonder why you act the way you act, it will build attraction and with patience, you will fix the marriage.
(4) Detach from Feelings
You are probably feeling like your spouse is no longer in love with you right?
Well first of all, know that feelings are temporary in nature and tend to exaggerate the reality of what’s going on.
So start with how you feel… you are probably exaggerating naturally.
And if you are not exaggerating, your spouse has probably expressed that feeling in words. “I am not in love.”
The in-love is a feeling and it reflects hurt; that’s okay because that can be fixed.
In-love is not love… that’s just butterflies.
And you can probably figure why he or she feels that way at the moment; it’s temporary if you use trick #3… RELAX.
It is better to not get attached to how you feel and your spouses’ expression of how they feel.
Instead, focus on creating a new alternate experience and be patient because it will create a lagging indication and not a leading indication.
That means you will see moments that feel like your effort is not reflecting but that’s a feeling; focus on giving.
But don’t forget to give to yourself too.
(5) Avoid Approval Seeking Behaviors
Some are very quick to apologize but there is a problem with that.
There is blurry line between:
Apologies
Seeking Approval and
Manipulation
These, including apology itself, are not attractive behaviors and it is better in a marriage and relationships to focus on changed behavior.
Changed behavior is the best apology and it’s also attractive as it makes you less predictable in the eyes of your spouse.
You should only apologize once if you feel you should and only if your spouse specifically asks for it.
Think about it, if you have to apologize over and over, you are probably not going to get a different result that you desire with doing the same thing over and over.
In general, avoid approval seeking behavior as it indicates lack confidence and that’s very unattractive at subconscious levels.
BONUS TRICK: Patience
You are not meeting your spouse for the first time so fixing your marriage will be a process.
But it’s worth it because of the level of personal growth that comes with giving over and over when it seems like you won’t receive.
It’s worth the process and your marriage will last that much longer.
Below is a question for us to address with this lesson…
“I need help.
I have a wife and she doesn’t talk to me near her mom and dad.
She says she is shy but sometimes she talks to me and sometimes she doesn’t.
Only sometimes she doesn’t talk to other guys but I don’t know if she loves me.
She says she does but I don’t believe it.”
Enjoy the video.
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QUESTION ⁉️ “My wife was a military veteran for 15 years and was divorced twice. She then spent 20years unattached.
I met her and we got married after a short courtship. Several of my friends said that she and I weren’t suited. I disagreed but it seemed they were right.
We argue all the time; almost daily. I tried the time-out method. She just follows me and continues chopping in my ears.
We are in counseling but don’t seem to work. I am at my wit end. How do I make this relationship work?”
