So there are 5 tips I want to share with you to determine the answer to that question,
But before I get into that, there is a quick story that I wanna tell you.
I came across a video on YouTube by a gentleman called Kevin Samuels and apparently,
…he basically advised young ladies, single ladies, and people in general about relationships…and that’s cool.
I think we still need more people helping people like that.
We see more of negative videos with regards to relationships that people find more entertaining
Which actually ends up hurting their relationships.
I’m talking about reality TV shows and things like that.
So any time I see somebody helping people with learning how relationships work, I like it ultimately.
But I encountered the viral video from him where he was seemingly bashing this lady heavily.
He was very rude.
A lot of time people engage in the blunt language,
… talmbout’, they speak blunt.
As a matter of fact, I was on the new social media platform in the past few days, called Clubhouse,
…and I heard quite a few people who were thinking that the way to a healthy relationship is communication.
I’m not disputing that it’s communication, but what most people consider communication is just talking and being blunt,
or “setting the expectation” or “setting the intentions” and boundaries.
These are things that kill attraction if you have overdose of expressing them… extreme ideologies has a way of killing attraction.
So with that being said, Are You verbally abusive to your wife?
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There’s a good chance that you are feeling like you’ve been communicating,
…and in fact,
You’ve been killing the vibe and the relationship with your wife by being the “communicator”; basically the talkative of the relationship.
Believe me when I tell you this, I am the one that’s considered the communicator or the talkative in our relationship and marriage.
I don’t think so, but at least my wife considers to be true.
What I find is that it really doesn’t matter if I feel like I’m not the talkative.
What matters is…
Tip #1- It’s her opinion.
If she feels like you’re verbally abusive, that’s as valid as it gets.
The feelings have to be validated by paying attention to it and see how you can adjust things in a positive direction,
Because the feelings are powerful enough to determine the direction of your relationship with your wife.
So Tip#1 – It’s her opinion.
You have to listen to it, pay attention to it and see what she’s trying to say even if you disagree with it.
See what kind of action you have been taking that makes her feel like you’re talking too much or verbally abusive.
If you do that, it doesn’t mean you are agreeing that you are verbally abusive.
It just means you’re paying attention to whatever she is interpreting as “verbal abuse” and then you can fix that.
You can adjust or pivot accordingly because at the end of the day you care about the relationship.
That’s why you are asking if you are verbally abusive to you wife.
Tip #2 – You need a full tank of patience.
Towards the end of that Kevin Samuels’ viral video, he actually lost his cool and hung up on the lady.
And I know this is not his wife.
But in my opinion, if you are going to win in your relationship with your wife, you have to treat ladies in general with a certain level of respect and patience.
Much more importantly, the patience.
You can’t lose your cool, if you lose your cool,
…you can at least say
“If you don’t mind, let me take care of some business and we’ll come back to this conversation later“
You have to be polite with the way you dismiss the situation if you have to dismiss the situation.
Sometimes it’s true that you have to dismiss the conversation because you feel like it’s just not getting anywhere.
But you wanna be polite about it.
Particularly, you don’t want them to feel like you dismiss them.
This is something I’m personally still working on.
Sometimes, I just don’t want the toxic argument and I come off as dismissive.
It’s an art, it’s not an exact science.
Somethings… you have to learn with respect to the particular person you’re dealing with and their personality.
Tip #2 – You wanna make sure you engage these conversations with a full tank of patience; Infinite patience.
You can’t lose your cool.
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Tip #3 – Engage active listening.
If your lady accuses you of being verbally abusive, the first quick step to really nibbling that in the bud is to stop talking.
Stop talking so much even if your intentions is to correct.
There’s a lot of people that just have good intentions in wanting to correct something, and it comes off as verbal abuse and controlling behavior.
Remember tip #1, if it comes off as abusive, controlling and manipulative, then it is what it is…
Because it’s a relationship…
And just 50% is all you need to make that a full blown opinion that would control the dynamics and the direction of your relationship.
So instead of talking so much, don’t just shut up because that would be dismissive,
Engage active listening.
And I would say, repeat what she’s saying back to her and ask her to tell you more.
Tip #4 – Abuse is very likely unintentional.
There’s a lot of abuse going on in relationships and marriages.
And many times, they’re just unintentional…
Nobody (most people don’t) come(s) into a marriage with the intention of being abusive.
But sometimes when we lose our cool or the way we conduct ourselves in the middle of a crisis,
…we’ll come off as abusive to the other person
But keep in mind, there’s a crisis going on.
What you will find in a lot of relationships and marriages is that people are basically in the middle of normal engagement with a partner when they tend to end up with a crisis,
When everybody has lost their cool and there’s an active argument, fighting and bickering going on, then clearly nothing is intentional.
Everything is reactive and that’s not what you wanna do.
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Tip #5 – Reverse engineer corrections into her idea.
Like I said earlier, a lot of times the intention is to correct something that you feel maybe wrong.
But your intentions are overrated. In fact, your action is being received as verbally abusive.
And if it’s been received by 50% of the relationship as verbally abusive, unfortunately, I have to tell you that it is probably verbal abuse.
At least for now, it’s the feeling that counts. If your partner feels like it is verbally abusive, it is verbally abusive.
So instead of trying to correct and engaging in blunt languages to correct your partner as it comes, find ways to reverse engineer your corrections into her idea.
So how do you do that?
You need to learn how to ask quality questions.
There are questions that you will ask and you think they’re quality but they’re actually coming off as manipulative and condescending.
You want to avoid those types of questions and really master the skills of asking quality questions.
So things like…
“So are you saying that I come off a little bit abusive?”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I didn’t mean to be abusive”.
“Can you tell me what that looks like when I’m abusive because there’s a good chance I’m not aware that I’m being abusive?”
See, if you talk in that calm manner repeatedly…not just one time…
She will start feeling safer around you.
And then she will also give you a lot more passes even when you’re upset because you’re still a human being.
But right now, the work is gonna be on your part in order to reverse all that “verbally abusive” negative energy.
You want to reverse that, put in some work and be consistent until she starts feeling safer with you again,
…but I’m telling you right now, there’s a good chance that you were just being blunt.
That’s why Blunt is a terrible way of communicating in a relationship.
Listening is the best route to effective communication.
Less talking can sometime be the best way to communicate, especially if you’re a man trying to communicate with your wife.