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7 Stages of Emotional Affairs + Additional TIPS

Welcome back to LOLAandOLA.com.  Let’s talk about the 7 stages of an emotional affair; a sequel to “5 signs of an emotional affair”.  

Be sure to watch that video too. 

As usual, we are answering your question.  Feel free to continue leaving them in the comment area or send an email to [email protected]

Let’s check out this story.

“So my wife seems to be having an emotional affair with her boss. 

She locked me out of her home computer a few months back (it was shared). 

Just before that I noticed she’d been trying to find a way to stop her phone messages being saved in the cloud.

When I did see some of her messages she’s been texting with him all times of day and at weekends. 

When she went away on a trip a couple of times, he was getting pictures and texts etc. I got nothing.

He talks back with her a lot. 

She’s deleted a lot of the texts (presumably the worst ones??). 

Some of the texts seem to be suggestive but I can’t see if they lead anywhere but I don’t think anything physical has happened. 

It’s more flirting.”

Sorry about this trauma.  It’s going to take a lot of work to get out of this funk.  And I am sorry you have to go through this.  

Maybe understanding the stages of emotional affairs can help you put things in better perspective so you can move forward in the most effective way.

Let’s get into it.

Stage 1

Void

Void

In order for another person to occupy the space of intimacy in a relationship, there must be some type of void.

This is not to blame or assign fault away from the transgressor to the other partner but to highlight the fact that it is what it is.

If you caught your partner in this type of bad behavior, always remember it’s not your fault but that’s not equivalent to not assuming responsibility in the overall status of your relationship.  

Stage 2

Friendship

You’ve always had friends anyway.  For women, they often need to feel safe and secure.  

So the closest person to that when there is a void they want to fill in their present relationship or marriage are ex’s.

Ladies.  Be careful with keeping friendships with your exes.  It might seem innocent because after all there are stages.  

You probably already know that everything feels wrong but right at the same time with this inappropriate relationship.

If you are not careful, you will eventually find yourself justifying it.  Don’t wait for it because again, friendship is a seemingly innocent stage of emotional affairs.

Stage 3

Sharing

In this stage, the transgressor is getting comfortable and starting to share intimate details with the loser on the side.

Why are they losers?  It’s just the reality because you are clearly not 100% emotionally available but yet, they are hoping to build something serious usually.

There is a void as I stated in stage one but it is not the same thing as being emotionally available which is a requirement for a healthy relationship.

Not only was that lady sharing details, when she went away on a trip a couple of times, the loser was getting pictures and texts while the husband got nothing.

At this point, the marriage is in the danger zone.

Stage 4

Secrecy

Secrecy

What happens next?  The transgressor is leaving exhibits and digital footprints on SMS, text messages and WhatsApp right?

These are now secrets which in this context can be described somewhat as lies.  They have to tell more lies and create more secrets to cover up.

But there is a problem.

No matter how much they try to delete messages, it gets worse because even though… remember that story… 

“She’s deleted a lot of the worst texts ,the remaining seem to be suggestive.”

Yes he couldn’t see if they led anywhere or think anything physical had happened.  But the mind doesn’t know that.

Stage 5

Fantasy

Up till this stage, nothing has necessarily happened physically.  But the natural order of things is for the mind to engage images of going all the way through.

At this stage, the transgressor is starting to fantasize not just about physical intimacy but also about what life could be like with the side person.

The mind won’t rest or let’s flip it.  The mind may not be able to comprehend the danger in all of these until a physical act has happened.

That’s why people would call it a mistake while in reality this can only be realistically described as premeditated in reality. 

Stage 6

Dependency

At this stage, the transgressor has spent a lot of energy on this side relationship.  Yes.  they might as well call it a relationship because it’s denial.

They’ve started to fantasize about life with this person and the last thing they want you to call the interaction is an affair.

If you don’t speak to them in a day, your mind won’t rest.  It’s an unhealthy dependency because you can’t really live in truth; nonetheless a dependency.

Don’t forget that the transgressor still depends on the actual partner for something hence the difficulty in just leaving as opposed to cheating.  

Justification

Stage 7

Justification

At this stage, a transgressor is actively trying to turn a lie into a truth.  

Actually, they are probably being honest since they have been intimate with another person consistently over a period of time.  

There is an illusion of greener grass on the other side.

So even though it’s a dishonest lifestyle, it was filling a void and therefore feels like the truth and it’s just being actively justified.

At least, it might feel justified.  It is not.  That band aid must be ripped off that open and rotten wound once and for all.

Many pieces of advice on the internet will probably be conclusive and I know that you probably don’t want to end the marriage.  So it’s confusing at best.

You might not know how far the affair has gone but it really doesn’t matter.  Emotional affairs can hurt just as much if not more because of the fear of the unknown.   

Reference our last video for recovery tips if you’ve caught your partner in this bad behavior.  It’s called “5 Signs of An Emotional Affair + 5 RECOVERY TIPS”.

We share our own story inside the book “GET MY MARRIAGE BACK” which  you can download for free at www.GetMyMarriageBack.com

Please support this video by hitting the thumbs up and share with us below what you’d like us to cover on the next video.

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5 Signs of An Emotional Affair + 5 RECOVERY TIPS 

Let’s talk about the 5 signs of an emotional affair.

Welcome back to LOLAandOLA.com.  

As usual, we are answering your question.  Feel free to continue leaving them in the comment area or send an email to [email protected]

So should you separate after an emotional affair?  Check out this story… 

“I am 38 years old. I recently realized my 34 years old wife has had an emotional affair for the last four years.

The past two weeks have been hell for me. We’ve been married for 9 years and have two beautiful kids. 

I caught my wife last week chatting with someone and when I confronted her she said it was just a casual talk with a friend for stress relief and that it started a few months ago.

As I dug up more evidence she has gradually admitted that the affair started four years ago and now has finally admitted that he was her ex lover in college. 

She has apologized and said that she will end for good and that she is ashamed of having continued it for so long.

But I find myself obsessively rewinding all the things I did over the last four years. 

She had the affair through almost half of our married life, through the birth of our second child and even when I was hospitalized.

I can’t seem to move on and have a gnawing feeling of doubt mixed with anger, jealousy and sadness.”

First of all, I am very sorry for the emotional pain this has probably caused you and your family.  This is not going to be easy.

What is An Emotional Affair?  Good Question.

An emotional affair involves emotional intimacy with a person other than a partner that you are committed to even when it doesn’t involve physical intimacy.  It can hurt just as much if not more. 

As usual, we want to share the top 5 signs that you or your marriage may be suffering from an emotional affair.  And then we will add 5 tips for recovery for you.

Let’s get into it.

Sign Number 5

Absence or Fantasy

So this sign is like two-in-one because sometimes the transgressor is also wondering if their behavior is inappropriate or dangerous.

If you find yourself fantasizing over and over about another person in a romantic way, this may be a sign of an emotional affair or a brewing one at least.

On the flip side, if you notice that your partner seems absent in the relationship, there is usually no vacuum of energy. There is a reason.  

Your partner is probably intimate with another person at least emotionally.  After all, we are talking about something that’s all in the mind.

But then everything in life starts from the mind.

Recovery tip number five is that it’s not your fault.  

But then I am guessing we are talking about a person you love and want to nurture a better relationship with.

So “this”… not being your fault doesn’t mean you can’t assume responsibility in rekindling your relationship with a better foundation.

Sign Number 4

Secrecy

Secrecy

Naturally when a partner is involved in inappropriate behavior, they might start doing things in secret.

The concept of a secret lover is not a joke.  But it doesn’t necessarily start like that.  It starts long before that.

We are talking about signs right? The symptoms!  That’s why you want to make sure you watch the next video on the stages of emotional affairs.

At this stage however, it’s probably becoming obvious that your partner is actively hiding something over a period of time.

If they were planning a surprise party for you, this suspicious feeling you have… probably won’t last longer than a couple of weeks.

Recovery tip number four if it’s no longer a secret is that you should take some time and space away from the relationship.

There is no good decision that can be made when you are hurting emotionally.

Sign Number 3

Greener Grass

If you are on the receiving side of this bad behavior, you are probably starting to hear your spouse compare you to random others.

You’ve been noticing that nothing you do is good enough.  But also, there is an unfair comparison with your partner’s friends, siblings or randoms.

As a transgressor, you should simply know that the grass is probably greener on the other side because someone is watering it or it’s flat-out synthetic.

It’s FAKE!

Our recovery tip number three is that you should engage wise counsel.  Better yet if you can afford it, engage a therapist.

Don’t attempt to get out of this funk with common sense tactics, advice or by your own self.  It’s much more complicated than right and wrong.

Sign Number 2

Emotional Tampon


Emotional Tampon

Ideally, your partner should be spending their gist and relaxation time with you because we are all busy with life right?

You can’t wait to come back to a partner you are in love with.

So when a partner seems like they’d rather spend hours on the phone with some other BFF who acts as their emotional tampon, it might be a sign of concern.

Likewise if you’ve noticed that you enjoy time with some old friend, especially an ex, that’s the danger zone and the end is probably not going to be good. 

Recovery tip number two – If you catch your partner already, like the story I shared earlier, determine if they still want the marriage.

It’s not the determining factor if you should leave the marriage or not but it’s a condition because you can’t afford to negotiate “desire” in a romantic relationship.

Sign Number 1

Consistency

So none of these signs are valid unless it’s consistent over a period of time.  There is no one event that can dictate the fate of your relationship.

Consistency

You must have noticed emotional absence, secrecy tendencies, unfair comparisons, inappropriate engagements with friends… all of these signs over a period of time.

As for recovery tip number one, do you still want the marriage?  Rember that you can’t want the marriage more than your partner in this type of situation.

This is the first of a two-part sequel.  

So make sure you are subscribed with all notifications turned on in order to get notified when part 2 “The Stages of Emotional Affairs” is released.

We share our own story inside the book “GET MY MARRIAGE BACK” which  you can download for free at www.GetMyMarriageBack.com

Please support this video by hitting the thumbs up and share with us below what you’d like us to cover on the next video.

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5 KEYS TO REKINDLING ATTRACTION DURING SEPARATION (How To Make Your Husband Want You All The Time)

We are enjoying having this conversation with you in the comment area.  Leave a question in the comment and we will address it.  If it’s more comfortable, you can also send us an email to [email protected]

In this video, we are adding some context to an answer we gave to Queen some few weeks back.  Be sure to check out that video.  

It’s called “Unwanted Separation? Use THESE 5 Tips!” It was also a response to an original video called “Ignoring Your Spouse During Separation 💔”

Here is her response to that video.

“Thank you Lola and Ola. I am grateful for you guys. You have opened a new perspective to me. I believe I should work on myself now moving forward. The period of sorrow and grief is coming to an end. 

About the question if I am a selfish person, the answer is no. I have always given people my time, love and affection. I’d rather love others first. 

I don’t know how to only focus on me. It’s not healthy. I’d rather give to those who need me. I never put myself first but look for the good of those around me. 

Hence I helped hubby become who he is today. Now that he’s left I don’t understand what I did wrong to be honest. 

We spoke a few days ago and he wanted to know what I have been up to. I don’t know why he suddenly is interested to know about my whereabouts but he will not disclose what he’s doing or how he feels. Which I find strange that he’s obsessed with knowing what I am about. 

I think I need to be more attractive and work on myself more like you mentioned. I will revive my passions and allow time to heal like they say. 

For now I will focus on what makes me happy and keep me focused. I believe he’s still my husband. I am also going to download your free book now.” ~ Queen

So here we go.  To add some context to Queen’s comment, we have created 5 keys to rekindling attraction from a seduction standpoint during a separation.

Let’s get into it.

Key Number 5

The Art of Obsession

The Art of Obsession

As always, this is easier said than done.  But it’s a simple concept.  What makes it complex is the complex human mind.

When you experience rejection at any level,  it breeds obsession and anxiety.  

But when you are able to garner some self-control and back off just a little bit, you can successfully transfer that obsession and anxiety to the other party.

It also depends on how much damage may have occurred during the break down of the relationship.  

If your separated spouse is not the exception minority with no emotional blood flowing in their vein, this works 100% of the time.

So it’s pretty normal for the obsession to flip to the other side when you take time to back off and allow nature to take its course.

If your partner needs space, things are bad already and you probably need more space than you realize.

Key Number 4

Don’t Fake The Flip

So, I want you to allow the obsession and the anxiety to flip from you to your partner naturally and organically.  There are gurus out there teaching people to fake it.

You can’t afford to fake this stuff because that would be a lie and that would typically mean you have to keep lying to cover up lies.  It’s not worth it because it’s too much energy trying to keep up with it.


It needs to be organic and this awareness right here will make it a little hard.  

But the way to mitigate that is to really take this rare advantage of time apart to build yourself in every way you can think of; physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Leave very little room to sit around and allow your mind to wander around about things you can’t control such as sorrow and grief.

If you can do it, that’s obviously time spent away from obsessing over your estranged partner and that much time for them to start wondering about what you are up to.

That’s literally a form of attraction.

It’s organic and natural and proof that you can potentially rekindle attraction in a healthy way so that you can embrace it when you are ready.

Key Number 3

Don’t Run An Empty Cup

Don't Run An Empty Cup

As “Queen” just acknowledged, you can’t afford to pour love into others from an empty cup; it will only drain your energy.  

Yes we advocate for focusing on “giving” in a healthy relationship and not the falsehood of the “give and take” ideology that a bunch of selfish people are running around with on social media.

But please, do not take us out of context.  You simply cannot give what you don’t already have.  

We get this question all the time… “You are telling us to just GIVE but what if we are giving so much that the other person is not reciprocating?”

Good question.  

But there is no better way to tell me that you are not giving anything to yourself.  You are emptying out yourself to your partner.

That’s the only way you can have time to notice that they don’t reciprocate but you are not necessarily wrong; just a thought to consider.

And worse, you are setting them up with false metrics of expectations that are based purely on your disappointed emotions. 

You can’t win together like that. You might win alone and effectively destroy the relationship.  But let’s be guided.

When you can demonstrate the ability to take care of yourself, there is almost nothing sexier than that when it comes to rekindling attraction again.

And of course, they naturally can’t wait to get on your good side.

Key Number 2

Be Indifferent

Once you’ve managed to organically flip that obsession and anxiety over to the other side, do not prematurely engage.

Sure it’s attractive but it needs to be tested with time and persistence which must be demonstrated on all sides.

Don’t play games with this if you haven’t gone through an outright rejection from your spouse.  That will make it fake, manipulative and it can backfire badly.

But in the case of what “Queen” described, she needs to disconnect as much as possible from wondering what she did wrong and why he is suddenly obsessed.

The bottom line is that he is obsessed because that’s attraction at play but more importantly, how she responds to it needs to showcase indifference.

What that means is that how you feel is neither here nor there.  You are okay with whatever the outcome is and you will take your time because you are busy learning how to take care of yourself.

It might drive one or both of you wild.


But the attraction needs to be tested for strength because there is a real reason why a separation became reality in the first place.

It doesn’t matter if you are “the man” or “the woman”.  The same attraction principle is applicable if you are feeling the emotions of rejection.

You can re-engage your seduction power and redirect the course.

Key Number 1

Self Love Is Still key

Self Love Is Still key

What if you lost your partner forever?  Yea.  What if?  If you can’t handle that reality in your mind right now, it’s probably showing as needy behavior on the surface.

That’s not sexy.

It’s like no wonder they are running away from that.

The moment they can see that you are capable of loving yourself adequately, they will always regret a decision of not working on your relationship.

That self-love will attract a better companionship to you with or without your spouse; it’s non-negotiable. 

And again, we are not talking to selfish people.  Self-love as a religious talking point and ideology can also destroy you and everything you care about.

We are speaking from experience.  

We share our own story inside the book “GET MY MARRIAGE BACK” which  you can download for free at www.GetMyMarriageBack.com

Please support this video by hitting the thumbs up and share with us below what you’d like us to cover on the next video.

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5 Signs Your Marriage is Over (My Wife Has Been GONE for a Few Months)

We love addressing you directly via the comment area.  

So please continue to leave your thoughts and questions for us to review.  We do these videos for you.

In this video, we are responding to 2 comments with the 5 signs that a marriage is over based on how a man responds to a crisis.

Here is the first comment.

“My wife has been gone for a few months. 10 years together and she’s just pulled the plug on all emotions she had for me. She talks and looks at me differently now. She never sees our one year old son. Wtf has happened. God I miss her 😢” ~ by Slaven Yatic

And here is the 2nd comment.

“Truth is she doesn’t. Folks, separation is not a good thing period. 5% of separation works and they end up back together but 80% of separation ends up in a divorce. If your partner wants a separation it means they have someone else in mind.” ~ Comment by Triple A Triple a

So here we go.

Sign Number 5

You Feel Damages Happen Overnight

Believe it or not; most men that go through this type of trauma always feel that the woman just changed overnight.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

Some call it “the walk away wife syndrome.”  It’s basically unhappy wives who leave their husbands… emphasis on “UNHAPPY”.  

There is not one single event that can destroy your marriage.  And if you can’t comprehend that, comprehend this.  

Not realizing that damages never happen overnight is a sign that your marriage is over and potentially forever.  In fact, your marriage ended a long time ago.  

So clearly, it’s even worse that you haven’t been able to pay enough attention to detect this for potentially so long.

She didn’t just pull the plug on emotions she had for you.  Rather, she had been disconnected from you emotionally long before you realized.

Maybe she was trying to protect your feelings and then finally realized that it is a non-sustainable effort.  Many women try this and it always fails eventually.

You Feel Damages Happen Overnight

Sign Number 4

You Use Children to Manipulate

Naturally, a separation from family, wife or husband will create trauma for your children and that’s simply part of life.

But let’s be honest, overreacting to this is obviously an indication that… you have probably overreacted to many other events in the past.

The default is that your children will get dragged through the mud that you and your ex-partner-to-be have created.  It’s just the reality.

And if you have a hard time facing reality, it is little-to-no-wonder that you will attempt to use your children’s trauma to manipulate the direction of things.  Is that what you mean by “She never sees our one year old son?”

That, precisely, is a sign that your marriage is over.  It doesn’t have to be over, if you are willing to indulge in the possibility of a new understanding.

Your focus needs to go into working on the evaporated attraction in your romantic relationship because it is the root cause.  It is your only point of leverage and there are any further chances.

You Use Children to Manipulate

Sign Number 3

You Think Separation is Bad

If you think separation is bad, your marriage is probably over.  Saying that is just another manipulative measure to get a person who doesn’t want you to stay with you.

There is no better way to tell me that you are negotiating “desire”.  It doesn’t work.  In fact, it will work against your marriage.

In addition, pushing against separation is not a way to save your marriage.  If at least one of the parties is asking for separation, that marriage is over anyway.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t build a new foundation from scratch with or without the same person.

As long as you are obsessed with the idea of sustaining the present terrible state of your marriage, how can you build another foundation?

Remember the emphasis on “happy”?  How can you create happiness in a marriage where one person is not happy?

I know what you are thinking.  Everyone is responsible for their own happiness?  You are half-wrong because how we feel is a function of our environment. 

So as long as you are a part of your spouses’ environment, you are a factor.  You are part of the variables that determine her emotional state.

But also vice versa.

Do wives ever come back after separation?  The answer is “YES”.  But how likely is that to happen to you?

Sign Number 2

You Project Stats & Data on Relationships

Your marriage is over if you project improperly interpreted stats and data on your relationship as facts.  Your wife will not come back after separation.

So even if we have to take “Triple A Triple a”’s comment, which is the fact that only 5% of separation works, I guarantee that your personal case will be in the 80% that end up in divorce if you project the “stat” on your relationship.

It’s simple.  In the human experience, what you focus on expands.  That principle is undefeated just like the fact that she wants separation.

Data and stat are mostly useful in a class and scholar activities.  

If you are personally going through a crisis in your relationship, focus on learning what it takes to create attraction in your particular situation.  

You can’t do that trying to smother a person who wants to leave with numbers and stats.

Tip Number 1

You Believe She Has Someone Else in Mind

You Believe She Has Someone Else in Mind

In fact, it’s true that many women are right now trying to figure out how to leave their husbands for a different life all together; not just someone else.

She wants to leave.  The attempt to make yourself feel better by accusing her of having someone else in mind is just another useless effort to save the marriage.

Let’s be honest.  You will only feel worse even if it isn’t true.  Also, you are spreading unnecessary toxic energy.

But again, I know what you are thinking.

What if it’s true that she has someone else?

Let me ask you the same question.  What if?

Is that a good excuse to drag yourself further through the mud?  Is that a reality you can’t deal with without throwing your whole life away?

If the answer is yes, have you considered it… as a good reason to obsessively smother the relationship to death? 

We are speaking from experience.  

We share our own story inside the book “GET MY MARRIAGE BACK” which  you can download for free at www.GetMyMarriageBack.com

Please support this video by hitting the thumbs up and share with us below what you’d like us to cover on the next video.

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WILL SMITH – 5 Tips for an Effective Apology (ft. CHRIS ROCK)

“Chris, I apologize to you.  My behavior was unacceptable and I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuSPcgygiNg

So superstar $35 million Hollywood actor Will Smith finally apologized to Chris Rock on the Oscar slap and as to be expected, the whole online community is dragging him again.

On March 27th, 2022 at the 2022 Oscars, Chris Rock cracked a joke around Jada Pinkett-Smith’s bald head comparing her to Demi Moore’s character in the movie G.I. Jane.

Then her husband,Will Smith, laughed and in a split second, walked up to the stage and slapped the shit out of Chris Rock.

We all thought it was a joke.  We all thought it was staged.  We all thought it was acting. But it was real

From the beginning, I have made it clear that there are only 3 things that Will Smith has done wrong publicly and I’m sorry…

It’s not marrying Jada Pinkett-Smith  It is…

1. Supporting the terrible idea of bringing her personal family issues to the red table talk and to the public.

2. Assaulting a fellow man for “disrespect” in front of the public; 17.7 million to be precise according to the New York Post.

3. Overdose on that “woke” lifestyle over-shalaye mansplaining nonsense.

The public is wrong about everything as usual including every attempt to involve Jada Pinkett-Smith in the Oscar slap which clearly did not involve her.

I know you all want to bring in Tupac, her daughter’s 7 years old letter to Tupac, AUG, the Jada vs Will social media banter video… lames… but nah.  That’s weak.

I can’t front.  Involving and blaming her for her husband’s mistakes seems to make videos go super viral.  But over here, we are not going to do that.  That’s weak and toxic.

We will do it the right way by helping me hit that like button, sharing and commenting your personal opinions about this apology below this video.  

As a thanks for doing that, here is a picture of Jada crying.

I have to keep applauding Chris Rock on his conduct throughout the whole ordeal.  

In fact, he addressed it for the first time only a few days earlier on stage saying… “Anyone who says “words hurt” has never been punched in the face”.

Anyway, Will Smith released the apology video on Friday, July 29th, 2022 and I think it’s an opportunity for us to review and extract some lessons around effective apology.

I have extracted 5 tips from the 5 minutes and 44 seconds apology.  So let’s get to it.

Tip Number 5 – Take Your Time

So the slap happened on March 27th, 2022 and the apology came out on July 29th, 2022 which is about 4 months later.  I think that’s more than enough time for proper introspection.

One thing that’s wrong about most apologies is the fact that they are often reflex action designed to push issues under the rug as fast as possible; it’s avoidance at best.

At this point, it’s obvious that Will Smith is not trying to run from his mistake. Kudos for that.

Tip Number 4 – Make it Short & Sweet (If it has to be public.)

If the offense happened publicly, the apology should also be public in addition to a private discussion.  

So I can appreciate this public apology except for the fact that it wasn’t a written statement. Will Smith seems to be overthinking everything and then making it worse subsequently.  

At this point, the public rhetoric is actively trying to tear his marriage apart due to over-exposure.  It’s sad to watch… people would rather listen to and over pedestalize divorcees than those trying to make it work.  It is what it is,

Anyway, anything more than a well crafted PR statement can potentially destroy his private life.  It’s just not necessary and it’s aligning too much with approval and validation seeking behavior.

“Speaking from the heart” for a  large superstar like Will Smith is overrated and not necessary. 

Before you know it, you will be referencing yourself way too much and that can make your apology come off as disingenuous.

So statements such as “disappointing people is my central trauma” is not necessary as it starts to sound like it’s about what he wants.

“It hurts me psychologically and emotionally to know I didn’t live up to people’s image and impression of me.”  This is that  “woke” lifestyle over-shalaye mansplaining nonsense.

Apologizing to these people in the public and everything he said after that are definitely major problems.  

More than enough of these weirdos on the internet are rooting and waiting for the entertainment of Jada and Will divorce. 

In fact, there was a rumor like that and it almost set social media on fire.

Tip Number 3 – Don’t Manipulate for Forgiveness 

“Chris, I apologize to you.  My behavior was unacceptable and I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”  

I think that part was clean especially with the addition of… and I quote.

“I want to apologize to Chris’s mother.”

Too many people offer apology only because they are looking for an instant exchange for forgiveness.  That would make it a terrible apology instantly.

Now it’s actually one thing to explicitly and expressly ask for forgiveness in words, but I think it’s worse when your actions reflect it and especially contradicts your words.

So if you say “I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk”, then you need to say less than necessary and let the chips fall where they may.  

Just trust that a few words and time is more than enough for adequate healing. 

Especially as men, we need to know that nothing is guaranteed in life even if you are a good person.

When I hear a lot of men talk about this issue, all I hear is unrealistic expectations of a good woman just for being a good Mr-Nice Guy.

That’s weak.  Life doesn’t always work like that.

So when Will Smith said “This is probably irreparable.” It was perfect.  

Ladies and gentlemen… “no guarantees” attitude puts you at advantage of making the most out of what’s left of your life and simultaneously increasing the chances of an apology being accepted dramatically.

Tip Number 2 – Ensure Reception

While I appreciate Will Smith’s apology to his wife (fuck what everyone else thinks), 

“I made a choice on my own, from my own experiences, from my history with Chris.  Jada had nothing to do with it.  I’m sorry babe.”

I think there was too much stress on apologies to the general public.

The public is not receptive to it.  From all the public rhetoric and opinions I am seeing, it seems divorcing Jada will be more entertaining at this point.  They are hungry for blood.

From my assessment, the public is ready to forgive Will Smith as soon as he forgives himself and gets back to what he does best; and that is not the red table talk.

Ensuring reception of an apology is part of the reason why you should take your time which was the first tip I shared with you in this countdown.

Tip Number 1 – Differentiate Remorse & Shame

Contrary to popular conservative opinion, shame is absolutely destructive; so is self guilt. 

Nothing authentic, wholesome and productive comes from anyone suffering from shame either from self or external force.

He said… and I quote “I am deeply remorseful and I’m typing to be remorseful without being ashamed of myself.” “I’m trying not to think of myself as a piece of shit.”

I can appreciate him truly believing that statement but it’s absolutely not necessary to say that out loud.  Saying it out loud almost defeats the purpose.

So many people confuse remorse with shame. 

Remorse is regret and maybe purposeful guilt while shame is just baseless guilt… maybe based on being overly concerned with optics.  

Misguided shame, insult, guilt, judgment, blame, condemnation are all destructive.  

Ultimately, this is all semantics.  What I am suggesting is to make sure you are not creating a new problem with your solution.  

You can call it whatever you want as long as the apology doesn’t create further negative outcomes for yourself.

“If you hang on, I promise we’ll be able to be friends again.”

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