The Assertive Wife (The Pro & 3 Cons)

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Is being assertive more attractive to a husband?

So my husband ended up on our sister… Aunty Bridget’s platform; Obodo Oyinbo TV.  She was discussing “Lack of Eligible Bachelors in the Diaspora.” 

Though the discussion took a whole new turn in the direction of why it’s absolutely single women’s fault in this time and age for having a hard time finding eligible and competent husbands, one of the highlights was the ladies trying to sell the idea of the assertive wife.

What really happened?

So one of the highlights of that debate was the assertive wife.  What does it mean to be assertive?  

The definition from Oxford as displayed on Google says “having or showing a confident and forceful personality.”

Those are two things.

1. Having or showing a confident personality.

2. Having or showing a forceful personality.

Can you see why dictionary meanings are a terrible guide to romantic relationships and marriage just as much as common sense is?

Yes.  They are usually full of assumptions, presumptions and often reflect only one side of reality.  

In romantic relationships and marriage, the reality is that there are at least two realities because the parties tend to experience the relationship differently.

So being assertive will always have two sides to it.

Yurp! I was listening in the background at first as they debated if being assertive is an attractive trait for a woman… especially a woman who wants to become a wife.

There was some confusion with regards to if some of these women truly want to be wives or not.  When I hear people say things like “not all women want to be married” or “I’m not desperate to marry”, it leaves me with… okayyyyyyy….. 

YES! While no one should be desperate to marry, single people also have to be careful with indirectly planning not to marry if the reality is far from what is being expressed.

What is being said by you as a quote on quote “Assertive People” can absolutely steal your chances of true joy… not just marriage but in general even if you have no bad intentions.

While certain statements can be true, I would be left to wonder why anyone who does not want to be married or feel like they don’t have to be married would be involved so passionately in conversations about marriage.

Just a question… 

NEWSFLASH:  She flirted with me… but she did not TOAST me… 

And I promise it was the sexiest thing ever because it felt like confidence.  

The worst thing ever is a low self-esteem woman, wife or wife-to-be with symptoms revealing itself as a concoction of assertiveness and just being plain rI could be wrong but I would bet that this mindset will help repel the manifestation of a husband or marriage.  Our mindset as humans has its way of becoming our reality.

Exactly! That could very much be a disadvantage of being an assertive person. 

CON #1 – The Blurry Line Between An Assertive & A Bluntly Rude & Disrespectful Wife.

Bluntly Rude & Disrespectful Wife.

There are many assertive wives with good intentions mixed with a little frustration but low levels of emotional intelligence.  

Their actions showcase more of how they feel inside more so than their words which only showcases a stronghold of an opinion… even asserting an honest opinion does not necessarily equals the absence of a disrespectful attitude.

Oftentimes, there is a disconnect between our feelings and our expressed opinions.

It’s not necessarily the intentions.  Just something to be self-aware of especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

CON #2 – The most innocent form of hypocrisy.

Innocent assertiveness doesn’t guarantee that a honest well-intent husband or husband-to-be will not receive your well-intent assertions as disrespectful; these are emotions.

innocent form of hypocrisy.

What else did they talk about?

They talked about flirting and many of the ladies were confusing flirting with coming off as easy and desperate.  

Ladies… If you want us to share some flirting tips where you don’t have to come off as desperate to a man… you can request in the comment area.

CON #3 – Assertiveness is Great Place to Conceal Low Self-Esteem

Yes! I understand assertiveness is supposedly “a healthy way of communicating and the ability to speak up for ourselves in a way that is honest and respectful.”

That’s cute.  That’s the intention part of it.  A romantic partner you care about, because of reasons beyond you, can receive it as disrespectful.

You will put yourself as a disadvantage if you argue with this.  

Sure you can say that’s their problem.  But because this is a romantic relationship and not a contest or a competition, that becomes your problem by default too.

It’s not your fault.  It’s just an emotional dynamic you are better off being aware of.

Is this insecurity on an intimidated man’s part?

Conceal Low Self-Esteem

Yes!  And that’s not a crime.  All humans have insecurity and we are never 100% secure in ourselves.  Insecurity is like our shadow.  We can’t run from it.

What we don’t want is an unhealthy level of insecurity, indications being consistent revelation in many aspects of a controlling and abusive relationship.  This is best addressed with the help of a counselor and not by running from it.

If anything, it can also be a powerful thing, a point of leverage and seduction to know that the way you move as a woman and a wife can start to make your man feel mildly insecure.

But yes… too much of it will make you feel unsafe as a woman.

True.  A lot of women tend to look at insecure men as intimidated.  It can be dangerous rhetoric and here is why.  

It means you are starting to look at the man as weak.  Most women are not attracted to weak men even if it’s ordinarily a perspective and not reality.

While you can feel like you dodge a bullet avoiding an insecure man if you are in the wife-to-be stage, you are going to end up feeling not-so-lucky when your future husband gets hit with an inevitable life crisis.

That makes a man question himself and his manhood.  A symptom of that is insecurity and it’s not always obvious it’s not about you or your fault.

If you are inclined to accuse him of being intimidated, you will then make things worse for you as a couple and your marriage.

You can help destroy your marriage just like that.

True! For many of us women, there is nothing sexier than an assertive husband who can speak up for himself in a loving and respectful way.  

I don’t care how truthful and honest you are.  If it feels like evil to me, you go collect.

Wortorwotor! So a well-intent assertive wife does not come off as a respectful wife.  But it can also reflect confidence in a man and confidence is always sexy.

It’s not about the semantics of being assertive.  It’s about how your husband or husband-to-be is receiving you emotionally on the other end of the romance from a reasonable standpoint.

With that being said, some men are coming from terrible experiences and are actively looking for disrespect unintentionally so they will find the slightest confidence or assertiveness as disrespectful.

These things are to be handled case-by-case.  Avoid generalizations.  You and I would agree that a forceful personality in the name of assertiveness just doesn’t sound pleasant.

There are 21 verses that describe a wife of noble character in Proverb 31.  It’s fair that one word “assertive” has its limitations.

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