“Wife argues about everything” – 5 tips
Now, before I get into the tips, there’s a quick story behind why I came up with this topic.
I have a client who called me…
He called me, he is married to his wife and they’ve been going through it for a while.
A lot of arguments… a lot of resentments from the part of the wife, and they’re going through it.
So every now and then he will call me and I’ll give him some tips here and there.
Basically, I’m coaching him in a mild way.
When he called me, I could hear the wife in the background telling him that I’m a third party.
She said I’m an outsider, and he should not be sharing anything that’s going on in their family with me.
Now there’s a twist to the tips I’m going to share with you right now.
There are 5 tips…, If your “Wife argues about everything”.
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The main issue here is the argument–It’s not about her opinion of where I belong. She is, in fact, very correct that I’m a third party.
I am an outsider when it comes to that marriage.
The more important thing in that scenario is the argument and the very heated argument that’s basically going on between the both of them at that point in time,
…and how he was handling it.
That’s more of the tips that I want to share with you right now…
Tip #1 – When you engage in an argument with your wife, Countdown 30 seconds.
You can’t cheat… you can’t afford to cheat on this one.
You need to countdown 30 seconds and try to take as much deep breath as possible while you’re counting down to 30 seconds.
I want you to trust me.
Trust God that heaven is not about to fall apart because your wife disagrees with you on whatever.
Unless it has to do with safety and security, there is absolutely no need for you to be right in that conversation.
And that’s why I’m asking you, take a countdown from 30 to 0.
Tip #2 – You wanna let go of your right to be right.
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I think I just hinted that real quick.
The reason why anyone engages in an argument is that they feel the need to be right.
We’re all like that as human beings.
When we engage in a little debate, it turns out to be an argument.
Then it’s: “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
And essentially, even if you end up winning the battle of you’re right and then she’s wrong,
…you’re still wrong because unfortunately or fortunately, this is a relationship.
And if she holds any resentment against you because you managed to convince her that you won the argument, it’s just twice as bad.
Just keep that at the back of your mind.
Let go of all your right to be right–at least for now.
Because again, you’re engaged in a heated argument… no matter how right you are, the situation is wrong.
The dynamics of that relationship at that moment is wrong.
Tip #3 – Turn it to an active listening session.
Now, this is very tricky.
This is can be very hard to do because again, remember,
…truthfully, you are caught up in your feelings and you do feel like you’re right.
You do feel like you know what you’re talking about.
But again if you did Tip #1, the 30 seconds countdown, this should be easier for you.
Turn into an active listening session.
Don’t just shut up.
Don’t be dismissive.
This is something that I myself am still working on.
It’s quite easy to go into the dismissive mode, but just try to actively listen to what your spouse or your wife is trying to say to you.
They’re coming from somewhere and it’s usually not easy to detect where they’re coming from just by listening to the words.
You have to listen not just to the words, but behind the scenes of why they’re saying what they’re saying from an emotional standpoint.
Tip #4 – Repeat what you’re hearing back to her.
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So instead of you feeling the need to react to everything she’s saying,
Repeat what she said back to her.
For example,
She says, “no, he’s an outsider. He is a third party!”
“hmm interesting. So you’re saying he’s a third party. I agree with you. I actually agree with you. You’re saying … [WHATEVER SHE’S SAYING]”.
You see, it’s a little awkward because it’s not the easiest thing to do.
So why don’t just keep it simple? Repeat what she said back to her.
“He’s a third party…Okay, tell me more, babe”, just say tell me more.
Tip #5 – Ask her to tell you more.
Repeat what she said.
Ask her to tell you more.
Like, even if this creates awkwardness, she will calm down,
…try to hear what you’re trying to say and trying to probably put her words a little bit better.
Because again, when people are soaked up in their emotions, it’s also difficult for them.
It’s a good chance that they’re not expressing clearly whatever they’re trying to say.
But if you repeat what she said back to her, which is essentially tip #4,
…you now go to tip #5 and say, “Okay, so you’re saying he’s wrong? Tell me more”
Exactly.
You know, she will calm down and then probably tell you a little bit clearer.
By the way, here’s a bonus tip.
When I say conversation, let go of all your need to say your part. “Can I say something?”
Let her finish everything she has to say.
Trust me when you do that, you’re not losing.
Remember it’s not about losing, you’re actually winning because she gets to express everything she wants to say.
And this is going to require a lot of patience.
This is easier said than done but the alternative of this is that you’re gonna lose your relationship and your marriage slowly.
It’s gonna die a slow death and that’s not what we want, right?
So that’s what I have for you .
If you engage in negative and toxic energy arguments with your wife all the time,
…just follow these 5 tips and all should be well.
Practice it over and over and over, and it should get easier with time.