Category: Save Your Marriage

Accountability Vs Blame In Relationships & Marriage

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In my last video before part 1 on Will Smith’s apology video, I talked about blame as a function of baseless guilt and shaming.

Accountability on the flip side is a function of a solid foundation and set of values that all involved parties have subscribed to.

When you hold people accountable, you should be holding them to account for agreed standards within the right frame of mind.  But when you mix that up with blame, shame, insults, there will be distortion of what the standards are… naturally.

I personally have to continually work on this when I hold men accountable.  It’s hard when I can clearly see the wrong to not use certain languages to express my frustrations.

I tend to say things like lame, incel, weak etc.

Shaming, blaming, insults, condemnations simply cannot be in the same space as accountability in relationships, marriage and any type or romantic context.

I do have to keep my foot on your neck.  Gentlemen, we have to figure this out.

5 Signs of Lack of Accountability In Relationships & Marriage

Sign Number 5 – When you tend to use shaming, blaming, insults, condemnations and judgmental tactics, it’s a sign that your woman is having a hard time holding herself accountable to you.

Sign Number 4 – The use of the words “always” and “never”.  Here is an example, “you never listen to me.”  Such statements are lies by default and definitely signs of lack of self-accountability which “always: (no pun intended) turns to overall lack of accountability.

Sign Number 3 – Confusing lack of desire and lack of accountability is a sign of lack of self accountability and self-respect… and it’s worse.

Sign Number 2 – When you are confused between protecting her feelings vs making sure she feels protected while “holding her accountable” that’s a sign that will defeat accountability.

Sign Number 1 – Last but not least, active competition in any form between couples is a sign of lack of accountability on at least whoever is claiming to be the leader of the union.

When men talk about holding women accountable, there is usually a piece of information that I find missing.

“Exactly what are you holding her accountable to?”  

At this point, the rambling usually starts for three minutes and then maybe ends at “women never apologize.”

Remember what I said earlier about the use of the words “always” and “never”.  It’s a sign of lack of self-accountability and ignorance.

I do believe you should be able to at least hold yourself accountable for not being able to leave a terrible relationship.  That in itself is an undefeatable strategy to holding women accountable.

But when I see stuff like.. 

“Hold women accountable by leaving them alone with their kids and cats,” I am forced to look at you sideways and ask. Why do you feel the need for the insults?

Is the truth not good enough?  Is that a testament to why you are having a hard time holding your woman accountable?  

Is this why you keep asking women to allow you to lead?  Just questions…

Your truth is not good enough for women to be accountable to?

A lot of people having these conversations are real time case studies of the lack of accountability epidemics.  It’s contagious.

Because of their conduct evident by women being afraid to come on the panel for the discussions, it’s obvious to me why women will simply not listen to them.

And if they did, they tend to call them out on emotions in attempts to lead and hold them accountable… Clearly, it’s not working but then it’s supposed to be the woman’s fault.

I hear things like “I was respectful and she hits me with disrespect.”  

Again, continuing to engage such a person (not just a woman) tells me you lack self respect. This will be a good moment to practice self-accountability.

Women are not just going to submit to you just for being a man.  That’s being delusional and that’s not the reality of life in any society.

You get the basic bare minimum respect first and it’s easy to lose that with the mindset that all women should submit regardless.

Delusional people tend to use the word “should” a whole lot.

Having an opinion on strangers and the general public is not the same as holding them accountable.  What could you possibly be holding them accountable to other than your own delusions?

If a person is already disagreeing with you in a debate, you can’t just move the goal post and switch it to an attempt to hold them accountable.  That’s why you are failing.

By default, they are not agreeable because you are equally in debate with them.

Here are some real life questions and weird answers around holding women accountable

Question: What do I do if my girlfriend never accepts her mistakes?

A Stupid Answer: “My suggestion is to just run from this toxic person….even I had a girlfriend who never used to accept her mistake…and she was trying to ruin my life…50 percent damage was already done by her to me so in order to save my future…I stopped contacting her…I am happy now… RUN…SAVE YOURSELF…”

The Right Answer: This answer is projection at best.  If she never accepts her mistakes, the first step is to set a good tone and the second step is to have a conversation about it.

Frankly, I need to know her mistakes before I can help because you used the word “never.”  That makes your accusations a lie by default until proven otherwise.

Question: Why doesn’t my girlfriend take responsibility for her wrong doings in our relationship and why do I apologize in the end?

A Stupid Answer: Why, indeed? Never falsely apologize. That’s a lie. Worse, you lie to yourself. This person you refer to as your girlfriend is a drama queen. She hears nothing other than her own voice. Selfish as they come. I don’t care how cute she appears on the outside, she’s dark and ugly on the inside. You will continue to be treated badly if you don’t put a stop to this. Next time you apologize let it be for your mistake of putting up with her.

The Right Answer: This started off as an okay answer but at the end it was laced with shaming, blaming and insults.  

As much as the answer was, I guess, designed to make the asker of the question feel good, he probably felt worse because of the past choices and the focus becomes that.

Blame is 100% destructive at a psychological level.  It ignores all the processes that go into the choices that we make.  Stop confusing it with accountability.  

Relationship Accountability Spectrum

So there is a spectrum here that I stole nicely from a Dr Perel called the relationship accountability spectrum. It was used to categorize ghosting in dating to icing, passive, simmering, power parting and active cold ghosting.

WIth the same idea, think of holding a woman accountable as four different methods on a spectrum.

1. Holding just yourself accountable, a typical good woman will follow your lead anyway. 

2. Mostly holding yourself accountable, a typical good woman will give you enough grace even when you are weak and still follow your lead anyway. 

3. Mostly holding her accountable, a typical good woman will give you enough grace, try to follow your lead but may get tired of the bullshit.  

4. Focus all your energy on holding just her alone accountable by barking at her from time to time, a typical good woman will give you enough grace, try to follow your lead but will get tired of the bullshit las las.

Where do you fall on that spectrum?

A bad woman?  Hold yourself accountable and leave. Easier said than done… right?