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The Assertive Wife (The Pro & 3 Cons)

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Is being assertive more attractive to a husband?

So my husband ended up on our sister… Aunty Bridget’s platform; Obodo Oyinbo TV.  She was discussing “Lack of Eligible Bachelors in the Diaspora.” 

Though the discussion took a whole new turn in the direction of why it’s absolutely single women’s fault in this time and age for having a hard time finding eligible and competent husbands, one of the highlights was the ladies trying to sell the idea of the assertive wife.

What really happened?

So one of the highlights of that debate was the assertive wife.  What does it mean to be assertive?  

The definition from Oxford as displayed on Google says “having or showing a confident and forceful personality.”

Those are two things.

1. Having or showing a confident personality.

2. Having or showing a forceful personality.

Can you see why dictionary meanings are a terrible guide to romantic relationships and marriage just as much as common sense is?

Yes.  They are usually full of assumptions, presumptions and often reflect only one side of reality.  

In romantic relationships and marriage, the reality is that there are at least two realities because the parties tend to experience the relationship differently.

So being assertive will always have two sides to it.

Yurp! I was listening in the background at first as they debated if being assertive is an attractive trait for a woman… especially a woman who wants to become a wife.

There was some confusion with regards to if some of these women truly want to be wives or not.  When I hear people say things like “not all women want to be married” or “I’m not desperate to marry”, it leaves me with… okayyyyyyy….. 

YES! While no one should be desperate to marry, single people also have to be careful with indirectly planning not to marry if the reality is far from what is being expressed.

What is being said by you as a quote on quote “Assertive People” can absolutely steal your chances of true joy… not just marriage but in general even if you have no bad intentions.

While certain statements can be true, I would be left to wonder why anyone who does not want to be married or feel like they don’t have to be married would be involved so passionately in conversations about marriage.

Just a question… 

NEWSFLASH:  She flirted with me… but she did not TOAST me… 

And I promise it was the sexiest thing ever because it felt like confidence.  

The worst thing ever is a low self-esteem woman, wife or wife-to-be with symptoms revealing itself as a concoction of assertiveness and just being plain rI could be wrong but I would bet that this mindset will help repel the manifestation of a husband or marriage.  Our mindset as humans has its way of becoming our reality.

Exactly! That could very much be a disadvantage of being an assertive person. 

CON #1 – The Blurry Line Between An Assertive & A Bluntly Rude & Disrespectful Wife.

Bluntly Rude & Disrespectful Wife.

There are many assertive wives with good intentions mixed with a little frustration but low levels of emotional intelligence.  

Their actions showcase more of how they feel inside more so than their words which only showcases a stronghold of an opinion… even asserting an honest opinion does not necessarily equals the absence of a disrespectful attitude.

Oftentimes, there is a disconnect between our feelings and our expressed opinions.

It’s not necessarily the intentions.  Just something to be self-aware of especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

CON #2 – The most innocent form of hypocrisy.

Innocent assertiveness doesn’t guarantee that a honest well-intent husband or husband-to-be will not receive your well-intent assertions as disrespectful; these are emotions.

innocent form of hypocrisy.

What else did they talk about?

They talked about flirting and many of the ladies were confusing flirting with coming off as easy and desperate.  

Ladies… If you want us to share some flirting tips where you don’t have to come off as desperate to a man… you can request in the comment area.

CON #3 – Assertiveness is Great Place to Conceal Low Self-Esteem

Yes! I understand assertiveness is supposedly “a healthy way of communicating and the ability to speak up for ourselves in a way that is honest and respectful.”

That’s cute.  That’s the intention part of it.  A romantic partner you care about, because of reasons beyond you, can receive it as disrespectful.

You will put yourself as a disadvantage if you argue with this.  

Sure you can say that’s their problem.  But because this is a romantic relationship and not a contest or a competition, that becomes your problem by default too.

It’s not your fault.  It’s just an emotional dynamic you are better off being aware of.

Is this insecurity on an intimidated man’s part?

Conceal Low Self-Esteem

Yes!  And that’s not a crime.  All humans have insecurity and we are never 100% secure in ourselves.  Insecurity is like our shadow.  We can’t run from it.

What we don’t want is an unhealthy level of insecurity, indications being consistent revelation in many aspects of a controlling and abusive relationship.  This is best addressed with the help of a counselor and not by running from it.

If anything, it can also be a powerful thing, a point of leverage and seduction to know that the way you move as a woman and a wife can start to make your man feel mildly insecure.

But yes… too much of it will make you feel unsafe as a woman.

True.  A lot of women tend to look at insecure men as intimidated.  It can be dangerous rhetoric and here is why.  

It means you are starting to look at the man as weak.  Most women are not attracted to weak men even if it’s ordinarily a perspective and not reality.

While you can feel like you dodge a bullet avoiding an insecure man if you are in the wife-to-be stage, you are going to end up feeling not-so-lucky when your future husband gets hit with an inevitable life crisis.

That makes a man question himself and his manhood.  A symptom of that is insecurity and it’s not always obvious it’s not about you or your fault.

If you are inclined to accuse him of being intimidated, you will then make things worse for you as a couple and your marriage.

You can help destroy your marriage just like that.

True! For many of us women, there is nothing sexier than an assertive husband who can speak up for himself in a loving and respectful way.  

I don’t care how truthful and honest you are.  If it feels like evil to me, you go collect.

Wortorwotor! So a well-intent assertive wife does not come off as a respectful wife.  But it can also reflect confidence in a man and confidence is always sexy.

It’s not about the semantics of being assertive.  It’s about how your husband or husband-to-be is receiving you emotionally on the other end of the romance from a reasonable standpoint.

With that being said, some men are coming from terrible experiences and are actively looking for disrespect unintentionally so they will find the slightest confidence or assertiveness as disrespectful.

These things are to be handled case-by-case.  Avoid generalizations.  You and I would agree that a forceful personality in the name of assertiveness just doesn’t sound pleasant.

There are 21 verses that describe a wife of noble character in Proverb 31.  It’s fair that one word “assertive” has its limitations.

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Stages of Divorce Grief

What are the Stages of Divorce Grief?

The stages of divorce grief are similar to the stages of grief that occur when someone dies.

The stages are shock and disbelief, pain and sorrow, anger and resentment, bargaining and guilt, and acceptance and hope. The order in which the stages occur may vary from person to person.

Some people may skip some of the stages or move through them more quickly than others.

It is important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage and not try to rush through the process.

1. Shock and disbelief: This is often the first stage after learning that your divorce is final. You may feel numb, have difficulty processing what has happened, and experience many other emotions, including sadness, anger, fear, and relief.

2. Pain and sorrow: As the reality of your divorce sets in, you will likely experience deep feelings of loss and grief.

You may find yourself crying often, feeling depressed, and struggling to cope with the changes in your life.

3. Anger and resentment: It is common to feel a range of negative emotions during this stage, including anger, bitterness, resentment, and frustration. You may lash out at your former spouse, friends, and family members.

4. Bargaining and guilt: During this stage, you may find yourself trying to negotiate with your former spouse or hoping for a reconciliation. You may also feel guilty about the divorce and blame yourself for the situation.

5. Acceptance and hope: In this final stage, you accept that the divorce is final and begin to move on with your life.

You may still feel sad and miss your former spouse, but you are able to start rebuilding your life. You may also feel hopeful about the future and find new meaning in your life.

Tips on Coping with Separation and Divorce

1. Recognize That Your Marriage Is Over: This can be difficult to accept, but it is an important step in the grieving process. Once you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is over, you can begin to move on.

2. Be Patient — Grief Takes Time: The stages of grief do not always happen in a linear fashion. You may move back and forth between stages or even skip some altogether.

3. Surround Yourself With People Who Support You — And Let Them Help: It can be helpful to talk to friends and family members who have gone through a divorce. They can offer guidance and support.

4. Practice Excellent Self-Care: During this difficult time, it is important to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Make sure to eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly.

5. Feel Your Feelings: It is normal to feel a range of emotions after your divorce. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage.

6. Find Out What’s There Besides Anger, Sadness, And Fear: As you move through the grieving process, you may find that you have new insights about yourself and your life. Allow yourself to explore these new perspectives.

7. Timebox Your Grief: Set aside specific times each day to grieve the loss of your marriage. This can help you to avoid becoming overwhelmed by your emotions.

8. Don’t Hide Your Divorce Grief From Your Kids (But Don’t Freak Them Out, Either)

It is important, to be honest with your children about your divorce. However, you should avoid sharing too much information or putting them in the middle of the situation.

9. Write It Out, Work It Out, Or Just plain Talk It Out: Journaling, therapy, and talking to friends and family members can all be helpful ways to cope with your divorce.

10. Stop Blaming Your Ex and Start Forgiving Them (and Yourself) One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to let go of any resentment and blame you may feel. This can be difficult, but it is an essential part of healing.

11. Remember: You Will Still Be a Part of Your Kid’s Life Even After Divorce Although your family may be changing, you will still be an important part of your children’s lives. Try to maintain a positive relationship with your former spouse for the sake of your kids.

12. Consider Professional Help Many people find it helpful to seek out professional help during the divorce process. A therapist can provide support and guidance as you navigate this difficult time.

If you are facing divorce, it is important to understand the grieving process. By recognizing the stages of grief, you can better prepare yourself for the journey ahead.

Remember, every divorce is unique and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you find yourself struggling, don’t hesitate to seek out professional help. With time and patience, you will eventually reach the acceptance and hope stage.

Don’t Suppress Your Feelings While Grieving

Everyone is different and everyone can experience each one of these stages very differently. Allowing yourself the freedom to grieve during a divorce doesn’t make you weak.  In fact, it can actually make you stronger. If you try to bottle up your emotions, they may eventually come out in destructive ways. It’s okay to cry, be angry, and feel sad. These are all normal reactions to loss.

Divorce is a process, not an event. Just as there is no one right way to grieve the death of a loved one, there is no one right way to grieve the loss of a marriage. Allow yourself the time and space to experience all the emotions that come with this major life change. Seek out support from friends and family members, or consider professional help if you need it. With time and patience, you will eventually reach the acceptance and hope stage.

Coping With the Hard Feelings

Coping with grief during a divorce is exceedingly difficult. Feeling all the emotions mentioned in each stage during the process of divorce is common and necessary for moving forward. It is important to surround yourself with people that love you and support you to help you through this painful time. If you are feeling lost, consider professional counseling to help you regain a sense of self and hope for the future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Signs That Your Husband is Cheating

Ladies, few things in life feel worse than the nagging suspicion that your husband is cheating on you………other than to find out that’s actually the case.

There are a ton of little telltale signs that you may be able to spot that will start your womanly radar ticking.

Some of your man’s actions may end up being innocent enough, but at other times, where there’s smoke, there could be infidelity fire.

Cheating can be in the mind only, purely emotional, or physical, or a combination of all three.

Just like every marriage is different, so too is every case of cheating.

We won’t quote statistics, but studies show that a lot of men (and women for that matter) do contemplate cheating in some way at some point. It’s one way to explain why the nation’s divorce rate currently hovers at around 50 percent.

So, no matter what your degree of suspicion is when it comes to your husband and what’s in his mind, there are a number of things to keep an eye out for.

Don’t take them as gospel by themselves that cheating is going on, but if you see a lot of what follows in your marriage, it may be time for the “we need to talk” intervention.

Frustration in the marriage is one common trigger; the cheater may make several attempts to solve problems to no avail.

Maybe they had second thoughts about getting married or they were jealous over the attention given to a new baby and neither had the skill set to communicate these feelings.

Perhaps the straying spouse has childhood baggage — neglect, abuse, or a parent who cheated — that interferes with his or her ability to maintain a committed relationship.

Less often, the cheater doesn’t value monogamy, lacks empathy, or simply doesn’t care about the consequences.

We will take a look at a number of risk factors and causes for cheating, but it’s important to point out upfront that a partner doesn’t cause their spouse to cheat. Whether it was a cry for help, an exit strategy, or a means to get revenge after being cheated on themselves, the cheater alone is responsible for cheating.

1. He’s suddenly very interested in his appearance.

If your husband was previously indifferent to his appearance and is now spending more time than usual on his hair and clothes, it could be a sign that he’s trying to impress someone else.

He may also be working out more, or paying more attention to his grooming habits in general.

2. He’s working longer hours or taking more business trips.

If your husband’s work schedule has suddenly changed and he’s spending more time at the office or going on more business trips, it could be a sign that he’s cheating.

He may be using work as an excuse to meet someone else or to spend time away from home.

3. He’s become more distant and withdrawn.

If your husband is suddenly acting distant and withdrawn, it could be a sign that he’s cheating.

He may be less interested in talking to you or spending time with you. He may also seem preoccupied and distracted when you are together.

he’s cheating. He may be buying gifts for someone else, or he may be paying for activities that he wouldn’t normally spend money on.

4. He’s being secretive and evasive.

If your husband is being secretive and evasive, it could be a sign that he’s cheating.

He may be hiding his phone or computer from you, or deleting texts and emails without reading them.

He may also be reluctant to share information about his whereabouts or who he’s been spending time with.

5. He’s got a new group of friends.

If your husband has suddenly started hanging out with a new group of friends, it could be a sign that he’s cheating.

He may be spending more time with them than with you, or he may be secretive about who they are and what they do together.

6. He’s acting differently around you.

If your husband is acting differently around you, it could be a sign that he’s cheating.

He may be more critical of you, or he may be more distant and withdrawn.

He may also seem more interested in sex, or he may be less interested in sex.

7. He’s spending more money than usual.

If your husband is spending more money than usual, it could be a sign that he’s cheating.

He may be buying gifts for someone else, or he may be paying for activities that he wouldn’t normally spend money on.

8. What are those charges on the credit card?

If you monitor your monthly credit card statements and you start to see things pop up that you don’t recognize, they may be harmless, or they could be signs of monkey business that’s afoot.

If you can’t match up the expense with the story, that’s a problem. Also, if he’s now paying in cash for things that used to be charged, that’s a money monkey business concern as well.

9. He wants you to stop doing nice things for him.

Sometimes known as the Catholic guilt syndrome. If you’re being kind and considerate, as relationships should be, it could be revving up the conflict in him if he’s thinking about cheating or already doing so.

10. Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me.

A spouse who has cheated in the past and gotten caught is more likely to think they can get away by doing a better job of cheating the second time around. If your spouse has a history of cheating, and you suspect cheating is happening again, it may be time to make that spouse a part of your history instead.

Why Do Husbands Cheat?

There are a lot of reasons that husbands cheat on their wives. Sometimes it has to do with the husband’s own insecurities or feeling like he isn’t good enough for his wife.

Sometimes cheating is a way to get revenge after an argument or disagreement. And sometimes, husbands cheat simply because they’re curious or they want to experience something new.

2 FREE Books Download - $197

2 FREE Books