Category: Help for Marriage

In this post, we’re diving deep into the crucial things to discuss before marriage—and even more importantly, inside the marriage itself.

Let’s skip the generic checklists and get real about what really matters for a lasting, fulfilling partnership.

You’ve probably seen those articles with lists like “40 questions to ask your partner before marriage.“

Sure, asking questions is essential, but let’s be honest: marriage isn’t just about ticking off items on a list. It’s about meaningful, ongoing conversations that evolve as your relationship grows.

In today’s social media-saturated world, the focus seems to be all on pre-marriage discussions. But let me burst that bubble for you: you can’t fully grasp marriage until you’re in it.

However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare. Most advice out there blurs the line between preparation and unrealistic expectations. It’s like aiming at a moving target—you might hit it now, but can you sustain it for a lifetime?

Many well-meaning married folks will give advice based on their own experiences, which is valuable but often lacks the depth of professional expertise. That’s where coaching comes in—like what we do here at Prestige Marriage Academy, combining real-world insight with professional guidance.

When Akeem and Sade first met in college, they were inseparable. 

They were sharing everything from late-night study sessions to weekend getaways. They graduated, got good jobs, and decided to get married, believing their intelligence and strong connection was enough to see them through anything.

But once they were married, things started to change. Akeem became increasingly frustrated with Sade’s approach to their household finances. Sade, on the other hand, felt Akeem was too controlling and dismissive of her opinions.

Their once passionate conversations turned into heated arguments. The love and connection they once had seemed to be fading, replaced by resentment and misunderstanding. The pain was too much, their home tense and filled with silence more often than laughter.

Akeem was determined to fix things by reading all the relationship advice he could find. He made lists of questions for them to discuss, convinced that if they just talked about everything, it would solve their problems.

But instead of bringing them closer, these question sessions only led to more arguments. Sade felt interrogated and criticized, and Akeem felt unheard and unsupported. They were both trying to run from the pain of their disconnection, but their methods only deepened the divide.

Then one day, Akeem stumbled upon one of our videos where we briefly touched on open-ended questions and the importance of understanding deeper values and perspectives. It wasn’t just about ticking off boxes on a list but fostering meaningful, ongoing conversations.

Akeem realized that instead of asking Sade what she thought about their finances in a yes or no format, he could ask,

“How do you feel our financial approach reflects our goals as a couple?”

It created an initial anxiety because she was not used to this “Akeem”. But it opened a new avenue for them to explore their values and beliefs together.

Akeem used this new approach in discussions with Sade. Their conversations started to change. Sade felt comfortable enough, naturally and almost effortlessly shared her views as Akeem discovered hidden biases and deeply held beliefs that influenced her past behavior.

Effectively, he was able to influence new and better behaviors.  Effectively,  they discussed their thoughts, realizing they had different but complementary ideas that could work together.

This brought a new level of empathy and respect into their marriage. Sade no longer felt interrogated, and Akeem felt heard and valued.  The transformation wasn’t instant, but with patience and commitment, they rebuilt their connection.

Their home once again filled with laughter and warmth. They learned that the key wasn’t in having all the answers before marriage but in continuing to ask the right questions and being open to evolving together.

By shifting their focus from rigid checklists to ongoing, meaningful conversations, Akeem and Sade found their way back to each other. Their marriage became a dynamic, living partnership, rooted in leadership, understanding, love and respect. It wasn’t perfect, but it was real and deeply fulfilling.

They learned that the true essence of marriage lies not in having all the answers but in the willingness to keep learning and growing together.

Now, let’s talk about what really matters. Here are the 5 things you should not just discuss before marriage, but continually pay attention to throughout your married life:

1. Their View on the Opposite Gender 

Being able to pick up on your partner’s beliefs and attitudes towards the opposite gender can reveal a lot about their understanding of our social construct and their social intelligence; these are necessary ingredients for successful long term, healthy relationships and marriage.

It tells on their ability to navigate life and relationships without asking for a perfect life or partner; those things don’t exist.

It’s also a reflection of self-awareness and accountability with respect to relationships. When a person is a gender warrior, it’s not as simple as calling them a gender warrior; it’s an indication of deeply rooted trauma.

Moreover, this understanding of their perspective can provide insights into how they interact with others and manage conflicts. For instance, if they hold progressive views, they are likely to foster a partnership built on equity and understanding.

On the other hand, traditional or rigid views might signal potential challenges in adapting to evolving relationship dynamics.

This awareness allows you to anticipate and address potential areas of friction early on.

Additionally, recognizing these beliefs can show how they value your input and contributions, ensuring that both partners feel appreciated and heard. This knowledge also aids in recognizing their capacity for empathy and compassion, which are critical for resolving disputes and maintaining harmony.

Ultimately, this deeper comprehension of your partner’s views on the opposite gender equips you with the knowledge to foster a more balanced, respectful, and enriching relationship, where both partners grow and thrive together.

2. Their View on Modern vs. Traditional Marriage 

Are they more inclined towards modern interpretations of marriage, or do they value traditional roles and structures? Understanding this can reveal how they perceive equity (not equality) and partnership. If they favor traditional roles, it might indicate a preference for clearly defined duties, which is not outright bad but could limit flexibility and adaptability in the relationship. Conversely, a more modern view may suggest a willingness to be open minded, listen, share insights, and adapt to changing circumstances.

Do they feel like marriages of the past were better?

This could be a red flag.

A preference for past ideals might signal resistance to change and an inclination to blame others for the natural progression and evolution of life. This mindset can create friction, especially when facing new challenges or shifting dynamics. It also reveals how they handle change and growth within the relationship.

Exploring these views can help you understand their expectations and how they might respond to evolving ideals, tradition, culture, roles and responsibilities. Are they open to negotiating and redefining roles as needed, or do they cling to fixed ideas? This knowledge can guide you in navigating conflicts and fostering a more cooperative and adaptive partnership.

Additionally, their perspective on modern versus traditional marriage can highlight their approach to decision-making and problem-solving. Are they collaborative and open to new ideas, or do they prefer established methods? Recognizing these tendencies allows you to better manage expectations and work towards a harmonious and balanced relationship, where both partners feel valued and understood.

Speaking of value, if this is making sense so far, hit the like button, share and subscribe for more. And by the way, show this video to your coach to help you implement it.  That’s the difficult part; implementation.

If you don’t have a coach, consider us here at Prestige Marriage Academy.  Just click this link.

3. Their View on the Purpose of Marriage 

For some, marriage is primarily about companionship and emotional support, while for others, it’s about building a family or achieving personal and mutual growth. Aligning on this foundational aspect is crucial for long-term harmony.

In certain societies, marriage is seen as a means to an end, such as financial security for women and adherence to tradition for men. If the purpose doesn’t extend to embrace a broader vision, it can limit the relationship’s potential.

Consider the seven purposes of marriage: romance, companionship, family and legacy, multiplying and nation-building, legal life hacks, significance and recognition, and personal growth.

If a partner’s view on marriage doesn’t touch on these areas, it’s important to pause and engage in thoughtful discussion, possibly seeking guidance from a coach.

Understanding their perspective on the purpose of marriage can provide insight into their deeper motivations and values.

For instance, if they prioritize personal growth and mutual development, they are likely to support and encourage your individual pursuits as well as shared goals. This can create a nurturing environment where both partners flourish.

Moreover, recognizing how they view the role of marriage in achieving significance and recognition can shed light on their aspirations and how they envision your partnership contributing to a larger narrative.

Are they looking to build a legacy, or is their focus more inward, centered on the intimate aspects of the relationship?

If you find yourself repeatedly attracting partners with a narrow or limiting view of marriage, it might be a signal to reassess your own expectations and approach. Engaging with a coach can help you understand these patterns and develop strategies to attract partners whose vision aligns more closely with your own.

Exploring your partner’s view on the purpose of marriage helps ensure that your relationship is built on a shared foundation, capable of supporting a fulfilling and dynamic partnership that evolves over time.

4. Their Personal Life Mission and Purpose 

Beyond the relationship, what are their individual goals and aspirations? Knowing each other’s personal missions helps in supporting and encouraging growth both individually and as a couple. When a partner is disconnected from a purpose that’s bigger than any individual’s life, they may become preoccupied with trivial and petty concerns.

As the saying goes, the idle mind is the devil’s playground.

Understanding your partner’s broader ambitions provides insight into their drive and determination. It allows you to see how they plan to contribute to the world and what legacy they hope to leave.

This understanding can foster a deeper connection, as you both work towards not just personal fulfillment but a shared vision that transcends the everyday challenges of life.

Moreover, when both partners are aligned with a larger mission, it creates a sense of shared purpose and direction. This alignment can help navigate the complexities of life, providing a steady compass that guides decisions and actions.

It encourages mutual support and admiration, as each partner sees the other striving towards meaningful goals.

In a relationship where both individuals are connected to their higher purpose, there is less room for petty disagreements and more focus on growth and achievement.

This perspective also enhances how you engage with each other, promoting a dynamic where both partners uplift and inspire one another. Recognizing and supporting each other’s missions fosters resilience and a deeper bond, helping the relationship to thrive in the long term.

Understanding your partner’s personal life mission and purpose is vital for building a relationship that is not only supportive and encouraging but also resilient and focused on greater goals. This connection strengthens the bond between partners, making the relationship more fulfilling and capable of weathering life’s challenges.

5. Their View of an Ex-Partner if Any 

How they talk about their past relationships can give insights into their emotional maturity and ability to handle complex emotions. Ideally, they shouldn’t be bringing their ex up unless it’s about life or death. Life in terms of sharing children with them and utterances around typical responsibility.

It’s the worst thing ever to be entangled with someone who has a tendency to talk bad about their ex; even if it’s the truth. That person will have a hard time being emotionally available to build a healthy relationship.

They are dwelling on the past and that’s a bad sign.

Of course, they should integrate past lessons and experiences into their present and future.

Their discussions about an ex can reveal a lot about their capacity for forgiveness and understanding. If they speak with resentment or negativity, it may indicate unresolved issues that could affect your relationship.

This tendency to focus on past grievances can prevent them from fully committing to and investing in the present relationship. It might also suggest an inability to move forward and let go of past hurts, which can hinder the development of a healthy, forward-looking partnership.

Conversely, if they can discuss their ex-partner with a sense of closure and respect, it shows they have processed their emotions and learned from their experiences. This maturity is crucial for building a relationship based on trust and emotional availability.

It demonstrates their readiness to engage with you without the baggage of past relationships weighing them down.

Furthermore, understanding their view of an ex-partner can help you gauge their overall attitude towards relationships and conflict resolution. Do they take responsibility for their part in the breakup, or do they place all the blame on their ex?

This insight can inform you about their accountability and growth mindset, which are essential for a thriving relationship.

How a person talks about their past relationships is a window into their emotional depth and readiness for a new, healthy connection. It’s important to observe whether they are stuck in the past or have grown from their experiences, as this will significantly impact the quality and stability of your relationship.

When discussing these topics, it’s not just about asking questions—it’s about fostering open-ended, meaningful conversations. 

What’s an open-ended question? 

An open-ended question invites discussion rather than a simple yes or no. It’s even better when you can mix it in with some closed-ended questions so you don’t sound like a sales robot.

For example, start with a simple, “Did you go to college here?” Wait for the ‘yes’ or ‘no’, then follow up with, “What was that like?” This type of question encourages a thoughtful response and deeper exploration.

Using open-ended questions helps create a natural and engaging flow in conversation. It allows you to uncover more about the person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

For instance, asking “How did that experience shape your career choices?” may seem to be in the same category and potentially lead to insights about their motivations and aspirations.  But it’s too formal. 

Making them simple will give you a better understanding of their character and values with the answers. I would change “How did that experience shape your career choices?” to “I went to University in Nigeria, did I miss anything?” 

You will get more truth because their guards will be down.  It also showcases your seductive powers.

By encouraging them to share stories and elaborate on their experiences, you can assess their depth of thought and emotional clarity. It fosters a more meaningful connection, as you both delve into topics that reveal more about each other’s personalities and life journeys.

Moreover, incorporating open-ended questions can subtly influence the dynamic of your interaction. It shows that you are genuinely interested in their perspective, which can make them feel valued and understood.

This can enhance their comfort level, encouraging them to open up further and engage more deeply in the conversation.

By blending open-ended questions with closed-ended ones, you can maintain a balanced and dynamic dialogue. It keeps the conversation lively and varied, preventing it from feeling like an interview.

Open-ended questions are powerful tools for fostering meaningful and engaging conversations. They invite your partner to share more about themselves, helping you build a deeper and more authentic connection.

Remember, marriage isn’t static—it’s a journey of growth, adaptation, and continuous learning. So, while these discussions are crucial before tying the knot, they’re equally important throughout your marriage. Keep the lines of communication open, be willing to listen and evolve together.

Seek the help of your coach in mastering these skills.  If you don’t have a coach, consider us here at Prestige Marriage Academy.  We’re here to help you navigate these conversations and build a strong foundation for the rest of your life, relationships and marriage.  Just click this link.

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