what is my husband thinking during separation Archives

Quick story. So my husband was on Aunty B’s platform, Obodo Oyinbo TV, in the past few days oh my God… he ended up becoming an overnight detective.

A man had called him before he called into a show making wild claims about women in Nigeria and as usual, it was obvious to him that this man was speaking from personal experience.

The truth is that we have both men and women who perpetuate this terrible behavior once they have had traumatic experiences in marriage or relationships.

And nothing good comes out of it.

So we want to share 5 “do’s & don’ts” if you happen to be in a separation from your marriage at this moment.

We know you will be tempted to destroy your future relationship if you don’t know these things so please, pay attention.

Thing Number 5

Don’t Focus on Whose Fault; It’s Irrelevant

After about 30,000 views, what I always knew was confirmed. He was projecting from his personal experiences.

He is presently separated from his wife who he had met in Nigeria while visiting. So the wife had recently asked for divorce.

So he decided he wanted to help others who may be captured by the evil women who are poor and live in Nigeria; according to him.

After getting dragged on that platform so many times, there was one thing that really stood out to me and this is it.

He was obsessed with who was at fault for the demise of the marriage. Not just that, we are talking about a need to spell out every fault at every stop since he met the lady.

If you are in separation and you want the outcome of the process to be positive, you have two choices.

Decide that no one is at fault or…

The 2nd choice, which is “both of you are at fault”; unless of course, someone had a gun to their head during the decision to engage in a romantic way.

Thing Number 4

Don’t Attempt Saving Others Before Healing

So we get it. You’ve just gone through a very traumatic situation and experience. Your experience is valid but you need to believe that.

Naturally, if you consider yourself “nice” or “good”, you might want to jump out there and save everyone else from people like your ex-partner who is now a bad person I guess…

Don’t do it. You will end up re-creating your own version of your experience in others and they will effectively project it further into our society…

…when it is in-fact, not necessarily their experience.

It’s a fact that your ex-partner had their own experience. This is why those who don’t know any better end up calling each other liars; making things worse.

Stay away from trying to help others until you make sure you’ve gone through healing.

And have peace with the idea that it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.

Thing Number 3

Let Go In Every Sense

Generally speaking, letting go is one of the hardest things for humans to do. People would yell out things like “I don’t care” with such anger.

You would be left to wonder…”Do you believe that you don’t care or you need to convince yourself even more?”

It’s confusing at best. Sure you should be able to tell your story. But you should only do it within a controlled context and environment.

Letting go, self control and awareness is key but hard. Have you noticed that you enjoy talking so much about your ex-partner particularly in a bad light?

Thing Number 2

Engage a Wise Counsel

There is a good chance you are not able to smell your own breath. You can barely see your own nose. Maybe if you calm down, you can at least see a blurry version of it.

The point I am making is this. Separation from a marriage is tough on a human heart. Take some time off and engage wise counsel.

We all have a blind spot by default. So how much more when everything you believed when it comes to romance is being questioned.

Thing Number 1

Don’t Generalize! It’s a sign of a weak person…

Let me ask that question I asked previously again. Have you noticed that you enjoy talking so much about your ex-partner particularly in a bad light?

Or maybe this time, you’ve managed to camouflage it as a generalized story that you have become an evangelist for.

You find yourself saying things like “American women are not good wives.” You’ve perfected the art of saying “All Nigerian men are cheaters.”

I’m just gonna be straight up with you. There is no better way to tell us that you need counseling and possibly therapy than showcasing a habit of generalizing.

It’s a red flag. You shouldn’t be advising or trying to save anyone.

It’s projection at best. There is no way that you know enough people to be capable of generalizing in the name of helping someone.

You will end up making more people toxic than you help if at all..

We are speaking from experience. We share our own story inside the book “GET MY MARRIAGE BACK” which you can download for free at www.GetMyMarriageBack.com

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Quick story. About 7 months ago, she decided to go for trial separation but things have basically been in a limbo since then.

At the time, she was 8 months pregnant and taking care of 2 kids at the same time with no help whatsoever from the husband.

She would complain but he would just apologize and promise to work on it; then repeat the same cycle over again.

So she got tired of the empty promises and went for the trial separation. She thinks she is seeing some changes now but not too sure if he’s faking it or he’s actually doing the work.

There have been times in the past that she thought things were better even up to a year ago, forgave… but now… she wouldn’t even allow him to touch her.

She claims the sex was horrible because of how she felt towards him at the initiation of the trial separation.

Though she took full responsibility for her portion of the decline in the marriage, he refused to see any issues which left her with no choice but to let him figure himself out.

Hence the separation that started 7 months ago.

Now, she is feeling much better but wants to know if there are any positive signs to look out for during this separation to determine if it’s working in the favor of the marriage or if it’s a lost cause.

So we want to share just five signs with you to look out for to determine if a good and healthy reunion is in sight.

Sign Number 5

Becoming Friends

Sadly in these modern times, most people trying to fight for their marriage end up in big English grammatical echo chambers where all they will learn is how to diagnose their partners psychologically.

You will hear diagnoses such as narcissism, controlling, insecure etc… to the point where they don’t know how to recognize normal interaction any longer.

The sad part is that people, even when they are not professionals or have any experience, will make blanket bold statements such as once a… (fill in the blank)… always a (fill in the blank.)

So it becomes extremely hard to see a simple positive sign in separation such as becoming friends again.

This one thing is priceless and you can’t buy it with money. Believe it or not, you can buy a wife, a husband, a girl or boyfriend. But you can’t buy a friend.

So if you are in the middle of separation and you are noticing that friendship is finding its way back, that is a strong foundation to build upon if you are willing.

Sign Number 4

Sharing Space

Well, the whole point of separation also involves physical distance. But we are humans and distance, they say, makes the heart fonder.

This is especially true if there was some type of friendship before things went completely left. If that was the case, friends who are also lovers tend to find their way back into the same space.

Maybe not necessarily living under the same roof, but you find that you are able to share space together even if it’s with other mutual friends.

That, my friend, is a great foundation to start working on your marriage together.

Many separated couples do not have that luxury and it’s worth appreciating and leveraging as a positive sign during your separation.

Again… simple but powerful.

Sign Number 3

Share Entertainment

Every separation comes with some damages that can creep back as resentments and try to destroy your marriage even after reconciliation and reuniting back together.

With the right tools, you can and will sustain such forces.

You are in a team together so you ultimately have a better leverage against any outside forces if you are aware of your power as a team.

Quick story.

For us… even after creating some damage, we would end up sitting and watching TV shows together, sharing links of memes, funny and viral videos back and forth.

If you are blessed with this type of scenario, that is a positive sign during separation.

Sign Number 2

Acceptance

Naturally you are observing your partner.

I say that because you may be using the “no contact rule” as a tool to boost attraction but hopefully-primarily to take time to boost your self confidence and self esteem.

But naturally you are observing your partner… at least occasionally.

We are talking about your spouse here… in the middle of probably the painful experience of separation on both sides.

So you are observing if we are being honest.

In that observation, are you noticing more acceptance of the reality of the possibility of the marriage ending for good?

I know this may be counter-intuitive.

But if you are noticing this, that’s what you need because it’s a sign of wholesomeness on your partner’s part. It means the quality of being beneficial and generally good for you.

When you are self-sustainable as individuals, you dramatically increase the chance that your marriage will be self-sustainable and not drain life out of one or both of you.

Let me ask you a question…

Can you personally and confidently survive and thrive if you have to do that without your husband?

Please answer in the comment space below.

Sign Number 1

Sex

Listen. You are humans like the rest of us here. If you mistakenly broke your own rule and have sex with your partner during separation, that’s could be a positive sign.

Sex can also be a negative sign. You may just be addicted to a terrible sex-based relationship.

If you are D or P whipped, when you clearly feel terrible emotionally after the session, that’s a negative sign.

But if you lined up the other signs from sign number five to two that we previously shared with you, this is definitely a positive sign that you can turn into a foundation.

Speaking of foundation…

Don’t attempt reconciliation or getting back together without engaging in good counsel, coaching or therapy. Healing is necessary in order to not create the same bad cycle all over again.