Tag: malice keeping

Before we dive into today’s topic, I want to share a powerful testimonial from one of our viewers, Toun82, who perfectly captures the essence of what we’ll be discussing today:

Toun82 says,

“The pursuit of fairness is the beginning of failure in a relationship’ – so profound! This is very true. Someone I was previously in a relationship with was the typical ‘nice guy’. There is a saying about nice guys seeing women as slot machines. They put in some goodness and automatically expect a positive outcome all the time. When we had arguments he would always say how it wasn’t fair and ‘after all I’ve done for you’. He would proceed to list all the things he did for me. He was seriously keeping tabs!! He also did the silent treatment and admittedly, I did too, because I realized he was always coming in with a combative attitude when it came to resolving issues. He wanted to be right above actually listening and trying to find a resolution. So, I would shut down as well. But whenever I did the silent treatment in return, he would bring it up and the actual reason we got into the issue would be lost and the focus would be on me not talking to him (deflection). It was such a vicious cycle 😅”

Thank you, Toun82, for sharing your experience. It highlights the destructive nature of keeping score in a relationship and how it leads to a cycle of silence and conflict. Now, let’s dive into our topic for today: the silent treatment, also known as stonewalling or keeping malice.

First, let’s clarify: we’re not talking about temporary shutdowns or withdrawals that happen within 24 hours to de-escalate arguments. In this video coaching session, we’re focusing on stonewalling that extends beyond 24 hours and occurs repeatedly.

Trigger warning for the victim-shaming detectives: If you are a victim of silent treatment for 24 hours or longer multiple times over the course of your relationship, you have either participated in and/or enabled the behavior. You might have felt like you had no other choice because you are dealing with a coconut head (egotistical maniac). Not so easy; that’s your partner.

The victim or perpetrator of these manipulative behaviors are just as affected; they both suffer. If children are involved, they, unfortunately, suffer too. So, this is not really the time to engage in blaming and shaming your partner. That’s what most people do, and it will directly affect and condemn you just as much. It doesn’t help.

We’ll break down five steps to save your marriage from the harmful effects of silence and malice, and along the way, we’ll share some real-life stories to illustrate these points. So, let’s get started!

Step 1: Assess The Part and the Role You Played

When Sarah and Tom were first married, they communicated well. But over the years, things changed. Sarah noticed that whenever there was a disagreement, Tom would shut down and give her the silent treatment. She felt like she was walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering his silence.

Then Sarah stumbled upon a simple concept that emphasized understanding each other’s communication styles. It was difficult to set her own feelings aside, but she learned to assess her role in their conflicts. Sarah realized that her approach often made Tom feel attacked, causing him to shut down. She managed to get him involved, and they worked on healthier communication strategies, temporarily saving their marriage from the brink of divorce.

However, Tom’s habit of using the silent treatment had a much greater impact than the isolated issues they discussed. Eventually, it consumed their relationship and led to the end of their marriage.

While Sarah made significant strides by assessing her role and trying to change her approach, there were deeper issues that needed to be addressed. To truly save their marriage, Sarah also needed to understand the underlying reasons for Tom’s tendency to shut down and give the silent treatment. This could involve exploring past traumas, communication styles, and emotional triggers with the help of a professional. But now, we are almost asking Sarah to become Tom’s therapist. It’s not sustainable. But this is, after all, only the first step.

They would both need to establish a safe space where they could express their feelings without fear of retribution. Sarah needed to ensure that Tom felt heard and understood. This is easier said than done as she has been on the receiving end of emotional abuse. Also, Tom needed to work on articulating his emotions rather than resorting to silence.

By not addressing these deeper issues and not seeking professional help sooner to get through all the steps, they missed the opportunity to build a stronger foundation for their marriage.

It’s easy to point fingers when things go wrong in a relationship. But the first step to resolving conflict is self-reflection. Ask yourself, “What role did I play in this situation?” This isn’t about blaming yourself but understanding how your actions might have contributed to the problem.

Step 2: Do Not Create Excuses for Your Partner

Back in college, Lisa dated someone who always justified his silence by saying he needed time to think. Whenever there was an issue, he would disappear for days, leaving Lisa anxious and confused. After listening to random advice, she would make excuses for him, thinking he just needed space.

One day, Lisa discovered one of our videos discussing emotional manipulation and realized that his silent treatment was a form of control. Instead of making excuses, Lisa confronted the issue head-on in her next relationship. A relationship was clearly destroyed due to the lack of effective communication, and we will never know whose loss it was.

It’s normal to want to protect your partner if you love them, but making excuses for their behavior can prevent both of you from addressing the root cause of the problem. Excusing silent treatment can perpetuate the cycle of miscommunication and unresolved conflict.

When Sophie and her partner, Alex, moved in together, Alex would often retreat into silence after arguments. Sophie, wanting to keep the peace, would excuse his behavior, thinking he just needed space. This went on until Sophie realized that by making excuses, she was enabling Alex’s avoidance.

As a second step, it’s important for a victim of the silent treatment to acknowledge their feelings and not make excuses for their partner’s behavior. That doesn’t make the partner automatically guilty.

Is My Husband a Narcissist? (Take The Quiz)

Step 3: Let the Silent Treatment and Malice-Keeping Cycle Run

When James was a kid, he witnessed his parents’ toxic cycle of silent treatments that would last for weeks. As an adult, James found himself repeating this pattern in his own marriage. Whenever he was upset, he would shut down, hoping his wife would realize she was wrong and apologize.

During a rough patch, another three-week silent treatment cycle began. James’ wife suggested they see a marriage coach, which he rejected for the fifth time. Sometimes his rejections were outright, while other times they both got lost in the midst of his stonewalling. She chose to engage the help of a coach personally. The coach advised her to let the silent treatment cycle run its course while working on herself. It was difficult, but it was worth it.

By not forcing an immediate resolution and focusing on self-improvement, James’ wife started a process that eventually broke the cycle. They learned to address conflicts more constructively, rebuilding their relationship from the ground up. Don’t let anyone convince you with “once a narcissist, always a narcissist.” We all have a little narcissism in us.

Completing the cycle means allowing the stonewaller to calm down and become open to easing back into small talks. Often, allowing the silent treatment to complete a cycle is a first step. The other person, usually uncomfortable with malice-keeping, might have “pre-ejaculated” an insincere apology, which continues to enable the behavior. Letting the cycle complete injects a level of newness into the relationship. However, this is difficult without Step 4. Without Step 4, it becomes manipulation and creates more frustration in the relationship.

Sometimes, trying to force a resolution can backfire. It’s important to allow the cycle of silence to run its course. This doesn’t mean accepting the silent treatment because that will never work. It’s not sustainable to try to live with it.

If you don’t have a coach yet to help and support you through these 5 crucial steps, visit www.PrestigeMarriageAcademy.com where you can also download two free books: “Get My Marriage Back” and “#1 Red Flag.”

After an intense argument, Lisa and John would go days without speaking because Lisa would shut down. Usually, John would crawl back and apologize, feeling trapped in a never-ending cycle. A coach suggested letting the cycle run its course. Initially, John wondered, “For how long?” It created additional anxiety for him. But that’s where Step 4 comes in.

Step 4: Simultaneously Engage in Self-Improvement

Emma had always been the peacemaker in her family, avoiding conflicts at all costs. When her husband started giving her the silent treatment, Emma felt lost and didn’t know how to handle the situation without causing more tension.

Emma began reading self-help books and attending workshops on personal growth and communication. As she grew more confident and self-aware, she started addressing issues directly but calmly. Her husband noticed the change and began to open up more. Their marriage improved significantly as they both worked on themselves and their communication.

While it’s tempting to focus solely on fixing the relationship or your partner, working on yourself can have a profound impact. Self-improvement can help you manage your emotions better when triggered, communicate more effectively, and set a positive example for your partner.

Michael always felt helpless during his wife’s silent treatment episodes. It seemed like no matter what he did, nothing improved their communication. After watching one of our videos on seduction, Michael decided to change his approach. Instead of reacting to his wife’s silence with frustration, he started showing appreciation for the little things she did. Slowly, she began to respond positively, and they rebuilt their relationship on a stronger foundation.

When you work on yourself, you join the top 5% who are actively making things happen. Most people are passive, feeling like victims of circumstance. By engaging your power to seduce and influence, you can inspire the change you desire.

Step 5: Seduce Your Partner into Building a Better Foundation

After a rough patch, Emma decided to surprise her husband, Dave, with a weekend getaway. She also started leaving little notes of appreciation around the house. These small gestures made Dave feel valued and loved, encouraging him to reciprocate. They began to rebuild their foundation, focusing on the positive aspects of their relationship.

Rekindling the romance and building a better foundation takes effort and creativity. Show your partner that you’re committed to improving yourself and creating opportunities for connection.

Remember, dealing with silent treatment and malice-keeping isn’t about winning or losing; it’s about understanding, growing, and finding healthier ways to communicate.

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