Hello this is LOLA coming to you live from LOLAandOLA.com
…. and this is OLA
In today’s lesson, we are sharing 10 lessons we’ve extracted from Latoya Forever’s marriage and divorce.
We are tapping into Latoya’s life with her estranged husband, Adam Ali, so we can all learn some pitfalls to avoid.
After watching her 2 parts video interview that she released on her channel and channel with the new boyfriend (where it seemed that she wrote the questions…)
And watching the interview that her ex-husband did with blogger UnwinewithTashaK,
We have extracted these 10 lessons that we believe regular people like us can learn from, protect our relationship with our spouse and subsequently protect our marriages.
Without any further ado, let’s dive right in…
So what would you say is the number one implied lesson Latoya is trying to teach us with all these tell-all interviews?
Lesson #1 – Marriage is not for Children
Quite a bit of the communications within romantic relationships during and after is done through body languages regardless of how much you claim conversations to be the key.
Fun Tip: Conversation is not the same as communication.
The first interview we saw was the interview that unwinewithtashaK did with the ex-husband Adam Ali.
As soon as the interview started, I could read his body language and I picked up lots of immature signals.
One may say I was prejudging him without knowing him but we all prejudge.
Also, it is important to note that prejudging is different from judging.
Our prejudice is a function of our experiences
And what we do have are personal experiences and that of clients.
Most people go into marriage as amateurs without intending to but that’s exactly what it is… so nothing special there.
With what we saw in Latoya’s conduct on the reality TV show, THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA, her childish attitude to life was displayed quite a bit.
So you can imagine, how immature they were as far back as 2011 when they first got together.
The lesson here is to try as much as possible to understand basic adulting
….and knowing as much as possible about self before getting in the serious business of marriage.
What second lesson did you get from watching Adam Ali being interviewed on TaskaK’s platform?
Lesson #2 – Don’t Keep Scores with your Spouse or Partner
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Many people are stuck on the give and take formula when in fact, the only way for relationships to thrive is to go there and focus on giving.
This is especially true if you are the man who is always complaining about how your wife is not keeping her own end of the bargain.
Relationships especially within the context of Marriage is not a bargain game and you will always lose when you actively keep scores with each other.
Healthy relationships are as simple as out-giving each other. It’s a game of choosing a partner that you love enough to want to just give to without expectations.
Adam Ali referenced this so many times by saying Latoya… as the face of their brand seemed to always fall off her responsibilities.
Was she right or wrong?
That’s irrelevant in healthy relationships.
Knowing what we know, it sounds like Adam was quite adamant about getting things done when they are supposed to get done
….even if that creates division between the two of them.
With his good intentions, he found himself in place of conflict with his wife often all in the name of business.
They both blame it on the business but this is simply a case of a man who confuses his lady with a business partner.
At the end of the day, it’s their own emotions that played the tricks on them and not the business.
A simple root cause analysis will reveal that.
So what would you say about the many events they’ve had over the years?
Like for example, Adam allegedly cursed Latoya out for trapping him with the conception of their 2nd baby?
Lesson #3 – Don’t Sweep Problems Under the Rug
As you said, there were many events over the years that were, not necessarily signals for divorce, but signals to seek professional help.
One of the main problems is that some take it as an attack when the partner suggests counseling, therapy or coaching.
In fact, I was that guy.
It’s best to receive it as an opportunity to analyze the marriage and adjust for best chances of good love and longevity.
They missed so many opportunities like most people and swept those problems under the rug; we almost lost our marriage doing the same thing.
Do you think it’s different for celebrities or couples who do business together?
Lesson #4 – We are the Problem; Not the Business
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Humans have the same basic needs and the only difference is our individual stories; that is to be considered when navigating life and love.
Latoya and Adam allowed division from what we considered to be natural environmental factors such as their occupation and status.
They could have also learned how to orchestrate unity by leveraging what they loved about each other; they went the other route instead.
Do you think unwanted pregnancy played a role in the fate of their marriage?
Lesson #5 – Pregnancy is Not an Automatic Marriage
Their first unplanned pregnancy played a role only because unfit people weaponize everything against themselves.
But it is worth noting that it can be problematic to make pregnancy into an automatic marriage.
We also know people who have succeeded in building a meaningful marriage from that type of scenario.
It simply took taking the marriage seriously enough to not keep winging things along but commit to the process of learning.
They both allegedly made a choice to cheat on each other.
Did that guarantee the divorce?
Lesson #6 – Cheating is a Symptom; Not an Excuse; Still, a Choice.
The answer to that question is “no”, but it was an added-layer to the amount of work it would take to bring that marriage back.
The betrayal of physical or emotional infidelity cuts deeply and coming back from that is like waking up an 800 years old dead body.
But with God, all things are possible.
All it takes is the same choice but much emotional work to fix the underlying issues because cheating is a symptom at the end of the day.
Were they compatible?
Lesson #7, Being Equally-Yoked tends to be irrelevant when you are in love.
Compatibility for the most part tends to become a question when people don’t want to take responsibility in nurturing the relationship or marriage they committed to.
In these types of cases, people are very quick to judge them on not making sure of compatibility before they married but it’s complete high-horse nonsense.
Even if you asked the question of compatibility before you married…
There is an extremely good chance that you won’t have the proper context to assess that because you have not been tested.
In fact, you are in love. If you feel differently, be patient. Just wait for it.
You will be tested from a blind spot… it’s inevitable and that’s why ultimately, marriage is a step of faith.
Two unique human beings coming together to play life is not a joke.
Regardless of religion, creed or culture, humans have PTSD from different types of trauma level.
Romantic relationships, especially within the context of marriage, will test everyone involved at levels they’ve never experienced before.
So premarital counseling will only help if it involves learning conflict and crisis handling because these things are inevitable no matter how strong your equally-yoked compatibility formula is.
Don’t get it twisted because of what they said; Latoya and Adam were in and out of love multiple times like the rest of us.
But aren’t these things common sense?
Lesson #8, Common sense is a terrible guide to a successful marriage.
We’ve learned together that everyone has common sense and that’s why it’s common.
Here is common sense.
The idea that we love doing the same thing professionally so we must be compatible romantically.
Latoya and Adam are great examples of how that plays out when it comes to marriages.
Not so well right?
Who do you think is at fault here?
Lesson #9 – Hurt people hurt people
This question creates the same problem that keeping scores with a spouse or partner creates. It creates division and eliminates unity.
It’s never a matter of fault.
It is more so a function of so many variables to be unpacked in the experience of marriage preferably with a professional.
Everyone has been hurt and experienced disappointment at one level or the other.
So it’s only natural to pull up guards at any sight of feeling unsafe and insecure.
Hurt people hurt people so Latoya and Adam simply experienced a vicious cycle that would take a tremendous level of humility, time, patience and most likely professional to break.
Do you think the outside world who are always in their comments and on blogs played a role?
Lesson #10, Opinions are like a** holes; everyone has one…
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When you understand how life and love works, you will also understand that it’s okay for people to have opinions about your relationship.
But as public figures, you would have also understood that you are both humans and there is only so much you can handle emotionally.
That means therapy, counseling and coaching would be on stand-by if you have to be in a position to process millions of terrible opinions about your life everyday.
At a basic level, we all have to manage others’ opinions in our marriage.
Inside the book GET MY MARRIAGE BACK, we tell our story and how we were able to come back from a filed divorce.
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