How do you deal with unrealistic expectations in a relationship?
Expectations are only as real as the existence of this conversation; no more and no less.
Frankly, they don’t have to be any more significant than…
- Your ability to manage your expectations
- And your ability to interpret expressions of your partner’s expectations.
It is problematic 100% of the time when you receive expressions of expectations from your partner as an attack.
Naturally, you will feel a need to defend yourself and that’s what creates a vicious cycle of toxic relationships.
Instead, why not consider the expression of expectations as a gift and an opportunity to give into the relationship.
Are Women’s Standards & Expectations too High?
That’s a tricky question.
On one hand, I personally am not attracted to a woman with low standards and I also found that…
Most of the men that I know are not attracted to that also.
But on the other hand, this question comes from a valid place because frankly, there are blurry or fine lines between standard and expectations.
The way I look at it is that a woman needs to feel safe enough to express our expectations without feeling like it will be received as an attack.
What About Some Unrealistic Expectations Examples?
It starts for a lot of people in the dating phase with the idea of revelation of everything on a first date.
As human beings, we tend to put up a front naturally when we are getting to know a person of interest.
But to add onto that, the expectation of another human remaining the same throughout the course of a relationship is unrealistic.
This expectation usually shows up in the form of vibe, energy, action and most importantly, outlook.
Are Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage Leading to Divorce?
Yes they are… but that’s not always an obvious thing.
It usually happens as a slow but sure death over time.
When you observe healthy relationships and marriage goals from a far,
The amount of grace and investment that goes into that is not often the most obvious to see.
By the time most people get to the stage of divorce, they have usually lost sight of where it all started…
What they can usually see are the resentments.
There are many other reasons why a marriage may lead divorce of course,
But I guarantee that somewhere in-there, 93+% of the time, there was a display of unrealistic expectation on one another.
“My Husband Has too High & Unrealistic Expectations of Me”
If you feel like you are going through this with your husband, it’s time to learn something new.
There is a good chance that you also have expectations of your husband to know how to better set his expectations in your relationship.
I guess he failed and you probably feel that your expectations are realistic but then… I agree with you.
As you know, I don’t have context of your particular situation
But you should know that your knowledge of his expectations can be a powerful seduction tool in your marriage
…without hurting yourself in the process.
Granted…
He may be terrible in communicating his “terrible expectations” to you but I would just start asking yourself,
“What can I do with that information?”
OR… you can do what most people do which is to receive it as an attack, get defensive and trash the relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations in Dating
Exact scientific formulas are simply not enough when vetting for dating because all it does is create a massive emotional blind spot.
There are systems but they have to be internalized.
The most popular UNREALISTIC expectations in dating is wrapped around money and beauty;
Just superficial things and currencies that depreciate in value moment by moment.
While it is cool to be attracted to certain looks, social or economic class, these are not basic human needs that stand the test of time.
In just a few years…
Not only will money and beauty fade, your focus in particular, on these superficial things will fade.
Unfortunately, it might be too late for you to start prioritizing other qualities that matter in your partner.
You can give yourself money and beauty.
Women’s Unrealistic Expectations about Marriage Tend to Stem from…
…Past hurtful experiences.
To be frank, that’s applicable to both women and men alike.
Naturally, what we all want is love and/or connection.
All we want to do is give a special person some love.
But that seems to change when people go through hurtful experiences in relationships.
Then they naturally start to learn ideologies precisely designed to be defense mechanisms.
And that, in its very self, works against the essence of a healthy relationship or marriage.
Unrealistic Expectations of Love
The expectations that most people have of love is not so much unrealistic but nonetheless, damaging to committed relationships and marriage.
People, in general, start relationships on love as a feeling rather than as a choice that requires investing in.
I think that’s fair because that almost seems to be the point if we are being honest; it’s love and connection without being forced right?
But with time, it’s only natural for feelings to fade.
And we all take anything that’s readily available for granted after the newness fades.
Most people expect the initial “in-love” experience to continue the way it started and that’s an unrealistic expectation of love from human beings.
That’s When it Becomes Unrealistic Expectations of Others
This gets worse when people say things like
“He/she doesn’t make me happy much longer.”
The reality in most cases is that happiness comes from the inside.
But in the beginning, it is camouflaged as coming from others because you don’t truly know them enough.
You are new to, and fascinated with each other.
Over time, it’s in your best interest and that of the relationship for you to find out deeper reasons why you were attracted to each other outside of momentary feelings.
Then you have to be deliberate and intentional in nurturing it or else, it, also, will fade like every other feelings you will have in life.
Yes. Expectations have to be managed but that’s by all of us.
Self awareness is key in navigating the toxic energy of expectations in relationships and marriages.
What I would say from my experience is that there is room for improvement in more listening when it comes to communication.
To create a healthy relationship and effectively a healthy marriage, don’t take the expectations of your partner too seriously
…beyond useful insights for a better and healthier relationship.
In fact, ultimately you want them to feel free to continue to express those expectations if you want to enjoy your relationships without resentments.
But we all need to manage our expectations when it comes to relationships.
Keep in mind that love only thrives when we love with respect to freedom.
The truth is that everyone comes into relationships with emotional trauma (camouflaged as expectations often times).
So I feel there is probably better value in learning the systems in handling the inevitable crisis in relationships.
There are 100’s and 1,000’s of signals that create what you’ve got today in your relationship…
Blame, guilt and condemnation absolutely won’t work because…
The only thing that you can control is your self-development efforts.
The real enemy of relationships are extreme ideologies which doesn’t allow you to see where you can extend grace when necessary.
I believe that when we start looking at relationships as an opportunity to give as opposed to give and take,
We will create more leadership that will effectively create the love-dance that we all want, admire and desire in marriage-goals.
We all need to work on emotional intelligence.
The brilliance in emotional intelligence is that blame, guilt and condemnation works against it 100% of the time.
We all need to lead by listening…
But personally I believe that if all fails, the person complaining needs to lead.
If that fails, men need to lead simply because of the patriarchal society that most of us still live in.
That’s what I personally believe.
We all have the same 6 basic human needs as copied from Tony Robbins…
- Certainty
- Significance
- Variety
- Love/Connection
- Growth
- Contribution
But our history as individuals and groups will absolutely skew how we navigate from the same problems to the same solutions.
Sometimes, the traumas have to be unpacked.
One of the issues with expectations in a relationship is quickness to be defensive often camouflaged as response.
In a relationship, be encouraged to continue to put your focus on recognizing opportunities to give (sometimes educate)...
…rather than the opportunity to take an offense from triggers and trauma.
If you are quick to take things as an attack from your partner, it’s only natural to defend yourself
…and then go down a rabbit hole from there.., potentially trash a relationship you care about and/or divorce.
Are men too stupid to meet women’s expectation?
That’s usually the direction of these conversations when women gather in support groups to talk about this
…without a professional and emotionally intelligent moderator.
I encourage that you consider the possibilities that a man is not stupid and just may have a different goal and objective that you should learn.
Granted, men don’t always communicate with emotional intelligence.
In relationships, some of the most important information you need to give and attract the love you want, desire and deserve are passed non-verbally.
Mismatch of Expectations?
That only exists in 2 scenarios that you can actually manage.
- It exists when you don’t manage your expectations with respect to the dynamics that a partner brings into a relationship with you.
- It also exists when you don’t give your partner the freedom to express their expectations without taking it personally.