In fact, I would argue that you also need that space to regain back your emotional control and escape potential emotional abuse.
Remember.. No one can abuse you emotionally unless you allow it.
Focusing on giving has a direct correlation with fixing your marriage successfully but it must accompany a generous level of patience.
How much you give has a lagging and not a leading indication in your marriage.
(3) Avoid Predictable Reactions
You are responsible for your actions and your reactions are your actions.
Essentially, you don’t get to say “he or she made me do it.”
You are an adult and…
Therefore you are responsible for your actions even when you are not willing to take responsibility.
But you are in a better position of control when you take responsibility without confusing it with guilt and/or self-blame.
When a spouse shuts down, it tends to create triggers for overreaction in many aspects.
So one of the tricks you can use to fix your marriage is to identify scenarios where you would normally overreact and simply do the opposite.
This trick is not a one size fits all.
If you are normally dormant in reacting, then you should gain courage and speak up using words.
But say what you want to say once and leave it there. Arguments will create an undesirable effect.
The idea of this trick is to not be predictable; being predictable kill attraction.
If you can successfully make your spouse wonder why you act the way you act, it will build attraction and with patience, you will fix the marriage.
(4) Detach from Feelings
You are probably feeling like your spouse is no longer in love with you right?
Well first of all, know that feelings are temporary in nature and tend to exaggerate the reality of what’s going on.
So start with how you feel… you are probably exaggerating naturally.
And if you are not exaggerating, your spouse has probably expressed that feeling in words. “I am not in love.”
The in-love is a feeling and it reflects hurt; that’s okay because that can be fixed.
In-love is not love… that’s just butterflies.
And you can probably figure why he or she feels that way at the moment; it’s temporary if you use trick #3… RELAX.
It is better to not get attached to how you feel and your spouses’ expression of how they feel.
Instead, focus on creating a new alternate experience and be patient because it will create a lagging indication and not a leading indication.
That means you will see moments that feel like your effort is not reflecting but that’s a feeling; focus on giving.
But don’t forget to give to yourself too.
(5) Avoid Approval Seeking Behaviors
Some are very quick to apologize but there is a problem with that.
There is blurry line between:
Apologies
Seeking Approval and
Manipulation
These, including apology itself, are not attractive behaviors and it is better in a marriage and relationships to focus on changed behavior.
Changed behavior is the best apology and it’s also attractive as it makes you less predictable in the eyes of your spouse.
You should only apologize once if you feel you should and only if your spouse specifically asks for it.
Think about it, if you have to apologize over and over, you are probably not going to get a different result that you desire with doing the same thing over and over.
In general, avoid approval seeking behavior as it indicates lack confidence and that’s very unattractive at subconscious levels.
BONUS TRICK: Patience
You are not meeting your spouse for the first time so fixing your marriage will be a process.
But it’s worth it because of the level of personal growth that comes with giving over and over when it seems like you won’t receive.
It’s worth the process and your marriage will last that much longer.
Below is a question for us to address with this lesson…
“I need help.
I have a wife and she doesn’t talk to me near her mom and dad.
She says she is shy but sometimes she talks to me and sometimes she doesn’t.
Only sometimes she doesn’t talk to other guys but I don’t know if she loves me.
She says she does but I don’t believe it.”
Enjoy the video.
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Before we dive into more details about infidelity…
Let’s answer the question as it will help with fundamentals.
In order to survive a crisis in any type of relationships
(especially a marriage), you can’t afford to undermine the power of an overall positive attitude.
Therefore if you are dealing with a negative and/or shutdown spouse, it will take a tremendous emotional energy to maintain your cool.
As I said earlier, respect is earned.
Just as trust and submission, all these actions are driven in a marriage as effects and not a cause.
Sure you can deliberately initiate them.
But it will eventually drain you emotionally if you are not aware of the underlying attraction level that initially brought you and you spouse together.
That is to say, if you are not presently attracted to your husband, it won’t last much long if you force yourself to respect him.
So in the long run, you need to address the cause of the low attraction level.
You have to also respect and love yourself enough to attract the type of love you deserve from your spouse.
It is natural for couples to go through this over time as complacency kicks in.
So I am saying that it is natural to take each other for granted over-time.
Is your marriage a mistake?
There is no relationship that is a mistake and here is why.
Every relationship you engage in your life must be regarded as an opportunity to grow.
It’s part of the interpretations you must add to your efforts of positive attitude.
Because that energy will drive a lot more other actions that will drive your spouse to do right by you.
Subsequently, it will propagate energy that will attract the types of relationship and may be another marriage that will serve you.
Can we agree that the marriage you have right now is bad especially if infidelity is involved?
Therefore it’s time to build a brand-new marriage with or without the same and present spouse.
That attitude gives you your best chance of attracting your present spouse to do right by you if that’s in fact what you want.
Effectively, if you lead with the attitude that it “MUST” be the same spouse,
Your desperate energy will push him or her away further.
Sure we all need prayer.
The scripture says….
“Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.”
James 2:17 New King James Version (NKJV)
The Real Meaning of Infidelity
The truth of the matter is that infidelity is involved whenever a promise is broken in your marriage.
It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature.
Therefore, any type of promise that was made in your vows no matter how little is seems will result in infidelity.
What is the difference between infidelity and adultery?
Adultery is more specific of a way to describe sexual related betrayal in a marriage.
But it’s an effect.
In order to fix adultery as one of the many types of infidelity, we have to go deeper into causes; Root Cause Analysis.
Of course it’s easier to point the most fingers at the person who engaged sexually with another outside of the marriage.
Most of the infidelity that happens in marriages has nothing to do with sexual behaviors.
However all of the different types of infidelities create resentments and complacency over-time.
For example, if you promised to be there for richer or poorer…
But then catch attitude last week because he was broke financially, that’s a form of infidelity.
In addition, catching negative attitude in the midst of any crisis does not solve it; it expands the emotional effect of it.
So, you’d agree that marriage has probably been infected with infidelity and needs work right?
I am by no means telling you that cheating or having an affair outside of the marriage is any easier to deal with.
All I am saying is that those types tend to be the most obvious to judge people with.
It’s very important that you use that to adjust your perspective in order to attract the love and marriage that you deserve.
Judgment, guilt, and blame will harm you, your relationships and especially any children involved.
Therefore you have to rise above the obvious emotions such anger, resentments, rage that you will naturally feel…
If you are on the receiving end of an infidelity.
That’s going to take work, but it’s doable and it’s your best shot at attracting happiness again.
So should you Stay in the Marriage After Infidelity?
It depends on your particular relationship.
If it’s taking you more than 3 months to at least forgive, you probably should consider separation first.
Because it’s not helpful for any of the parties for the other to live in mystery.
Time apart may just be what you need to appreciate life, the marriage or both again.
That same time apart may help a perpetual adulterer make a decision to nurture what they value…
And have clarity of where he or she belongs (with you or someone else).
Having out in that dark spot for longer than 3 month tends to create more and more emotional damage in you, your spouse and even any children that may be involved.
But marriage is usually not easy to just throw away.
If it was easy, you probably would not have that question.
Ask yourself this question however…
Are you running from your problems obviously entangled up in infidelity right now?
As I have said, the problem is deeper than the effects
Of which some of them are cheating, affairs and infidelity.
Minimum of 50% of this (though not your fault) is your problem.
So if your quick solution is to leave the marriage, you will effectively take 50% of the problem with you.
Hence why 76% of marriages to divorces ends in about 2 years according to many studies.
It will help you ensure that you work on yourself before concluding that leaving is the solution.
How to Practically Rebuild Trust Even After Infidelity
When you first met your spouse, it was natural to trust because attractions high.
It’s easy to be in love and trust a person that you truly don’t know.
The reality is that you couldn’t possible love them though.
That trust was fake in essence.
Now that you are dealing with the after effects and emotions from infidelity, the real work is needed.
Anything that’s worthwhile in life will take work.
It was never practical to trust another human at the level that we do in a marriage.
That’s why I always say, people that say ‘I do’ don’t know what they are doing.
It doesn’t even matter how much pre-marital counseling you have before, you simply couldn’t comprehend what you were about to do.
So I get it
Trust can be hard to rebuild once it has been breached by a spouse but it’s do able.
But, I have to tell.
Holding your marriage and specially your happiness hostage because of trust issues will not help you.
Here are some scriptures that warned you about trust and its application to infidelity recovery…
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.
Psalm 118:8 ESV
Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.
Jeremiah 17:5 ESV
You are not even supposed to trust yourself; much less another person.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
Proverbs 28:26 ESV
Listen…
It’s natural for you to feel hurt and wallow in the mystery of it for a while.
But it’s time for you to realize that you deserve happiness and take the bulls by the horn.
How?
Leave all your trust issues in the hands of God and start living.
That’s easier said than done but hearing it or reading it from me might as well be the first step in the right direction.
Is an adulterer always an adulterer?
You’ve heard the saying, “once a cheater always a cheater.”
That’s absolutely an impossible lie.
It’s a lie that can hold you hostage even long after your spouse has repented due to…
A larger purpose than the seduction and excitement they may have derived from their past transgression.
Here is a quick 2 step-solution to that.
Do the work that will attract him or her to re-commit back into a brand-new marriage with you.
Let go and forgive yourself for attracting the old marriage.
Enjoy your new marriage one day at a time.
As you can see, none of the step has anything to do with putting the focus on fixing your spouse.
The work must be done from the inside to attract what you want on the outside.
What is the main reason for infidelity?
Of course in the long term, loyalty will benefit and create joy as opposed to short-term excitement.
But People cheat mainly for a lack of a larger purpose than the pleasure and excitement of secrecy.
It’s a choice but it’s also a choice that most humans are never too holy to make.
Most people just need the right circumstances to align to find themselves choosing pleasure over loyalty in the short term.
10+ Causes of Infidelity
Circumstances can include but not limited to:
Not receiving enough attention from the significant other,
Inappropriate engagement with friendly acquaintances,
Low self esteem
Immaturity
Background and childhood trauma
Belief system
Low attraction
Unmatched libido level
Retaliation for past transgression
(10) 12…Principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Ephesians 6:12, King James Version
But it’s never your fault when your significant other makes a choice to have an affair.
However you may have helped create one of the circumstances that align the opportunity for short-term human excitement.
They could have also chosen to rise above.
But judgment, blame, and guilt or self-guilt won’t help.
It’s time to understand “WHY” at a deeper level and attract an infidelity free brand new marriage.
The best chances of a lifetime joy is with a repented spouse because you are now both equipped with knowledge
Which becomes power when you both apply to a daily loving marriage for the rest of your lives.
Treat it on a daily basis…
Because obsession with the past and tomorrow will drown your relationships and especially your marriage.
If friendship with an opposite sex that you are personally friends with, an ex or a blast from the past is involved,
Respect yourself by allowing your spouse to go and sort that out before starting your brand-new marriage with them.
No one with healthily give you what you can’t give yourself.
Therefore if you can’t love and respect yourself, your spouse can’t love and respect you.
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