Today, we’re diving into the incredible journey of Clara and Chuks. Clara was on the brink of giving up on her marriage, but she chose to give it one last shot. This decision led to a transformation that not only saved her marriage but also rekindled the love and intimacy she thought was lost forever. Grab a seat and let’s get into it!
Clara had her reasons for resenting her husband, Chuks. They were all valid reasons. But she also knew that the fantasy of leaving that marriage was exactly that—a fantasy. She had to worry about their four kids and uprooting them from their father.
Clara and Chuks met 12 years ago while on vacation in Johannesburg.
Clara, originally from Cameroon, and Chuks, an Igbo man from Nigeria, quickly fell in love. Their marriage might not have been conventional, but they built a family together, bringing four beautiful children into the world.
Six months ago, Clara found herself in a very bad place. She was contemplating divorce yet again, a fantasy she had been nurturing for three years; on and off. She felt justified in her decision due to Chuks’ infidelity and financial abuse. But before she could file the divorce papers, she stumbled upon our video on Instagram. That’s when she decided to give it one more shot by booking a one-hour session with us. At first, she thought it was expensive but not after she considered the cost of divorce and a broken home for her 4 kids.
What Can I Do To Improve My Marriage
In our session, we shared a plan with Clara, which included seven crucial steps. These steps not only helped Clara but also meant great benefits to Chuks and their marriage. According to Chuks, he knew something was terribly wrong because they hadn’t been intimate for eight months, but he couldn’t figure out what it was.
Chuks simply concluded that she was weaponizing sex against him. He resented it for so long too. He had offered to go to counseling, but Clara had completely shut down because he rejected the same offer 5 times in the past. She thought it was a lost cause and was filled with resentment, expecting Chuks to never fully admit his faults. But just at, about four, of these seven steps, they started enjoying their marriage and lost intimacy for the first time in over 12 years. Let’s dive into these seven steps!
Step 1: Self-Assessment
The first step was a deep dive into personal reflection. Clara needed to take a thorough look at herself to prepare for the journey ahead. She had to ask herself the tough question: “Why have I attracted similar love experiences, even before my marriage to Chuks?” This introspection was essential for Clara to understand if there were underlying patterns in her behavior that contributed to her situation.
Instead of falling into the trap of blaming Chuks for everything like most people do, Clara needed to address her own feelings and focus on improving her interpersonal skills. This involved recognizing her tendencies and understanding how her actions and reactions might have influenced her relationship dynamics.
By becoming more attuned to her own behaviors and emotions, Clara was able to allow a greater sense of empathy and understanding. This self-reflection was crucial for her growth and helped her cultivate a mindset that could positively influence her marriage in a positive direction.
Clara’s journey of personal growth allowed her to become a more supportive and understanding partner, ready to rebuild her relationship with Chuks or, if necessary, approach future relationships with a healthier mindset.
This self-assessment not only equipped Clara with the tools to be a better wife but also empowered her to create more meaningful and harmonious connections in all areas of her life.
Step 2: Power in Romance Assessment
Next, we shed light on how the interactions within romantic relationships can shape the entire dynamic. Many couples end up in a constant power struggle, viewing each other as enemies rather than allies.
Our method involves creating a united front, where one partner can start first leading to partners working together to tackle the larger issues that threaten their bond. This shift in perspective has been incredibly transformative for our clients, allowing for a deeper connection, love and respect.
By understanding the nuances of communication and influence, Clara first learned how to navigate conflicts with grace and empathy. They quickly become attuned to each other’s needs and emotions, allowing for a supportive and nurturing environment.
This approach helps couples move away from blame and resentment, allowing them to rediscover the attraction and harmony that brought them together in the first place. Embracing these principles leads to a more fulfilling and resilient relationship, where both partners eventually feel valued and understood.
Step 3: Social Intelligence Assessment
Understanding and navigating relationships require a nuanced perspective on interactions. Clara needed to assess her outlook on life and marriage, particularly how societal influences impacted her relationship with Chuks. This step involved a deep dive into recognizing the subtleties of their interactions, including their communication styles and how these shaped their relationship.
Clara had to become more aware of the unspoken cues and signals that both she and Chuks exhibited. This meant paying attention to body language, tone of voice, and the underlying messages in their conversations. By becoming more attuned to these aspects, Clara could better understand how her actions and responses influenced Chuks and vice versa.
Additionally, Clara had to consider the broader societal context and how it shaped their behaviors and expectations. She needed to reflect on how cultural norms and societal pressures affected their marriage. This included recognizing that Chuks’ upbringing and early life experiences, which were different from her own, played a significant role in his behavior and attitudes. By acknowledging these factors, Clara could approach their differences with greater empathy and understanding.
This assessment helped Clara and Chuks move towards a more harmonious relationship, where they could better navigate conflicts and misunderstandings. It allowed Clara to allow for a deeper connection with Chuks, creating a more supportive and nurturing environment for their marriage. This step was crucial in helping Clara and Chuks bridge the gap between their individual experiences and find common ground in their relationship.
Step 4: Emotional Control Assessment
Many people pride themselves on being good communicators but often talk themselves into toxic arguments due to a lack of emotional control. Clara learned that while it’s not her responsibility to be Chuks’ therapist, her influence could significantly impact their interactions. One partner might shut down because they feel they can’t get a word in, leading them to seek connections elsewhere.
Clara realized that her reactions and responses played a crucial role in the dynamics of their relationship. By learning and practicing active listening, she was able to steer conversations away from conflict and towards understanding. It was difficult, particularly coming from the woman, but it’s been worth it. This change, over time, created an atmosphere where both she and Chuks felt heard and valued, reducing the likelihood of misunderstandings and arguments.
Additionally, Clara worked on recognizing her triggers and managing them effectively. This involved taking a step back during escalating situations and approaching discussions with a calm and collected mindset. By doing so, she set a positive example for Chuks, encouraging and indirectly challenging him to engage more openly and honestly.
This newfound control over her emotions also allowed Clara to communicate her needs more clearly. She eventually felt safe enough to express herself without resorting to blame or criticism, which in turn made Chuks more receptive and willing to address issues constructively. Clara’s efforts in this area not only improved their day-to-day interactions but also deepened their emotional connection, allowing for a more resilient and loving relationship.
By mastering this aspect of her behavior, Clara was able to create a more conducive environment for positive and better interactions, paving the way for a healthier and more fulfilling marriage. She didn’t have to wait for him so they could do the work simultaneously as most people expect.
Take these 7 steps and share with your coach for support and to help you facilitate it step-by-step. If you don’t have a coach, link up with us at this link.
Step 5: Continuous Assessment
We helped Clara to realize that ongoing evaluation was essential for growth. Rather than relying on a single book, counseling session, or family meeting, we encouraged her and both of them eventually to delve deeply and continuously into their specific events and stories. This ongoing exploration revealed many ingrained beliefs that created blocks between them and the romantic experience they both longed for.
By revisiting their experiences and reflecting on them regularly, Clara and Chuks were able to identify patterns and behaviors that hindered their relationship. Clara learned to look beyond surface-level issues and understand the underlying dynamics at play. This approach helped her recognize how past experiences, cultural and societal influences shaped their interactions and expectations.
As Clara embraced this continuous process, she found herself becoming more open-minded and adaptable.
She was able to challenge her preconceived notions and approach situations with greater flexibility. This mindset shift allowed her to respond more effectively to Chuks’ needs and allow for a more supportive and loving environment.
Chuks, too, began to benefit from this ongoing assessment. As he became more aware of their shared history and the factors influencing their relationship, he gained a deeper understanding of Clara’s perspective. This mutual enlightenment helped them bridge gaps in communication and rebuild trust.
This continuous journey of self-discovery, love and respect, brought Clara and Chuks closer together. They were able to navigate their challenges with greater empathy and resilience, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship. The regular reassessment of their beliefs and behaviors allowed them to grow individually and as a couple, paving the way for a stronger and more enduring connection.
Step 6: Let Go & Let God
In marriage, many people try to handle the heavy lifting of romance without trust. The sixth step involved letting go of everything outside of Clara’s control. She was often called a nag, which confused her because she was only trying to ensure a good life as the helpmate. Letting go allowed Clara to focus on what she could control and trust in the process.
Step 7: Manage Expectations
Lastly, managing expectations was key. We were able to enlighten Clara on how to manage and practice managing her expectations and give Chuks the freedom to express his. This was difficult because she had learned from various therapists and social media outlets to express her expectations and never settle below her standards; whatever that means. Instead, we encouraged her to engage her influential and seductive powers without waiting for Chuks in order to connect with her feminine essence. With our support, it worked wonders.
You might be wondering if Chuks ever got held accountable for his bad behaviors. He did, and he paid above and beyond Clara’s expectations. But not with the lame strategies that most people use; typically verbally.
A new version of Chuks emerged as a direct result of the new version of Clara. She chose to be a survivor instead of being stuck in victimhood. Many people get caught up in the accountability cycle and miss out on a blissful romantic experience.
Ask yourself: if you had to choose between holding your partner accountable and influencing a joy-filled romantic experience, what would you choose? What if the latter automatically brought about the former, improving your relationship and the marriage overall?
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Remember, marriage is a journey, and sometimes it takes a little guidance and a lot of heart to find your way back to each other. If you’re struggling in your marriage, reach out. We’re here to help you transform your relationship and create the love you deserve.
Frequently Asked Question!
By engaging in continuous self-assessment and focusing on personal growth, you can create a more positive and resilient relationship.
Rekindle the spark by addressing underlying issues through consistent communication and mutual understanding.
An unhappy marriage can be improved by adopting a continuous assessment approach to identify and resolve persistent issues.
To fix lack of intimacy, create an environment of emotional safety and open communication to rebuild trust and connection.
Lack of intimacy can lead to feelings of rejection and frustration, potentially causing emotional distance or infidelity.
Struggles with intimacy often stem from unresolved emotional issues or past experiences that need to be addressed.
Intimacy can be restored by focusing on emotional connection, understanding each other’s needs, and creating a supportive environment.